Humor of the Day

[SmokeyBob]

Stumpy Grinder and his wife Martha were from Portland, Maine. Every year they went to the Portland Fair and every year Stumpy said, "You know, Martha, I'd like to get a ride in airplane."

And every year, Martha would say "I know, Stumpy, but that airplane ride costs ten dollars and ten dollars is ten dollars."

So one year Stumpy says, "By Jeebers, Martha, I'm 71 years old, and if I don't go this time I may never go."

Martha replies, "Stumpy, that there airplane ride is ten dollars ... and ten dollars is ten dollars."

So the pilot overhears then and says, "Folks, I'll make you a deal. I'll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say ONE WORD, then I won't charge you. But just ONE WORD and it's ten dollars."

They agree and up they go... the pilot does all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word is heard. He does it one more time, and there is still no word... so he lands.

He turns to Stumpy as they come to a stop and says, "By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to holler out, but you didn't."

And Stumpy replies "Well, I was gonna say something when Martha fell out ... but ten dollars is ten dollars."

[SmokeyBob]

A six-year-old goes to the hospital with his grandma to visit his grandpa. When
they get to the hospital, he runs ahead of his grandma and bursts into his
grandpa's room.

"Grandpa, Grandpa!" he says excitedly, "As soon as
Grandma comes into the room, make a noise like a frog!"

"What?" said his
grandpa.

"Make a noise like a frog because Grandma said that as soon as
you croak, we're going to Disneyland!!!"

[SmokeyBob]

How do you get a kleenex to dance?

… Put a little boogey in it.

[SmokeyBob]

Did you hear about the terrorists who took a whole courtroom full of lawyers hostage?

They threatened to release one every hour until their demands were met.

[SmokeyBob]

Bumper Stickers Seen in New York City

If you can read this, I can slam on my brakes and sue you!

Your gene pool needs a little chlorine.

You’re just jealous because the voices are talking to me and not you!

Don’t tick me off! I’m running out of places to hide the bodies

You are depriving some poor village of its IDIOT

Forget world peace. Visualize using your turn signal.

[SmokeyBob]

New Football Fan

A guy took his girlfriend to her first football game. Afterward he asked her how she liked the game.

"I liked it, but I couldn't understand why they were killing each other for 25 cents," she said.

"What do you mean?" he asked.

"Well, everyone kept yelling, 'Get the quarter back!'"

[SmokeyBob]

Ticket Winners

Two elderly sisters donated $5 to a charity and, to their surprise, won tickets to a football game. Since they had never seen a live football game before, Madge thought the free tickets would provide an excellent opportunity for doing so.

"I think so, too," said Mabel. "Let's go!"

They soon found themselves high in a noisy stadium overlooking a large, grassy expanse. They watched the kickoff and the seemingly endless back-and-forth struggles that comprised the scoreless first half.

They enjoyed the band music and cheerleader performance that followed. Then came the second half. When the teams lined up for the second-half kickoff, Madge nudged her sister.

"I guess we can go home now, Mabel," she said. "This is where we came in."

[SmokeyBob]

A single guy decided life would be more fun if he had a pet. So, he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet. After some discussion, he finally bought a centipede that came in a little white box, which served as the bug's house.

He took his purchase home, found a good location for the box and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to church with him. So, he asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go to church with me today? We will have a good time."

But there was no answer from his new pet.

This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked him again, "How about going to church with me and receive blessings?"

But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet.

So, he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation. He decided to ask him one more time; this time, putting his face up against the centipede's house and shouting, "Hey, in there! Would you like to go to church with me?"

And a little voice came out of the box and said, "I heard you the first time. I'm putting on my shoes!"

[SmokeyBob]

A busload of politicians were driving down a country road when, all of a sudden, the bus ran off the road and crashed into a tree in an old farmer's field.

The old farmer, after seeing what happened, went over to investigate. He then proceeded to dig a hole and bury the politicians.

A few days later, the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus and asked the old farmer where all the politicians had gone.

The old farmer said he had buried them.

The sheriff asked the old farmer, "Were they ALL dead?"
The old farmer replied, "Well, some of them said they weren't, but you know how them politicians lie."

[SmokeyBob]

A scruffy old man was eating at a truck stop, when three bikers (not the freindly fun kind of bikers who often read this newsletter ;-) walked in.

The first walked up to the old man, pushed his cigarette into the old man's pie, and then took a seat at the counter.

The second walked up, spit into the old man's milk, and then took a seat at the counter.

The third walked up, turned over the old man's plate, and then took a seat at the counter.

Without a word of protest, the old man quietly left the diner.

Shortly thereafter, one of the bikers said to the waitress, "Humph, not much of a man, was he?"

The waitress replied, "Not much of a truck driver either. He just backed his truck over three motorcycles."

[SmokeyBob]

After Sunday service a young couple talked to the pastor about joining the church.

He hadn't met the husband before, so he asked what church he was transferring from.

The husband looked down at his feet and replied, "I am transferring from the Municipal Golf Course."

[SmokeyBob]

A dog ran into a butcher shop and grabbed a roast off the counter.

Fortunately, the butcher recognized the dog as belonging to a neighbor of his. The neighbor happened to be a lawyer.

Incensed by the theft, the butcher called up his neighbor and said, "If your dog stole a roast from my butcher shop, would you be liable for the cost of the meat?"

The lawyer replied, "Of course. How much was the roast?"

"$7.98," said the butcher.

A few days later, the butcher received a check in the mail for $7.98. Attached to it was an invoice that read, Legal Consultation Service: $150.

[SmokeyBob]

One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several
strands of white hair sticking out in contrast to her brunette head.

She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?"

Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."

The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"

[SmokeyBob]

Bernie was invited to his friend's home for dinner. Morris, the host, preceded every request to his wife by endearing terms, calling her Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc...

Bernie looked at Morris and remarked, "That's really nice, that after all these years that you have been married, you keep calling your wife those pet names."

Morris hung his head and whispered, "To tell you the truth, I forgot her name three years ago!"

[SmokeyBob]

Wife: "How would you describe me?"

Husband: "ABCDEFGHIJK."

Wife: "What does that mean?"

Husband: "Adorable, beautiful, cute, delightful, elegant, fashionable, gorgeous, and hot."

Wife: "Aw, thank you, but what about IJK?"

Husband: "I'm just kidding!"