Dad Jokes

[Tom&Shelly]

Me: "Heisenberg gets pulled over by a cop. The cop says 'Did you know you were going 80 mph?' and Heisenberg says 'Great! Now I'm lost!'".

Shelly: "That's not a Dad joke, that's a physics joke."

Me: "Don't you think physicists have kids?"

Tom

[DJ Davis]

In honor of the upcoming celestial event tomorrow:

How does an astronaut cut his hair in space? 'E clipse it.

[Tom&Shelly]

A prospector friend of mine just found a hidden vein of gold and struck it rich!

Nobody else believed there was gold on that mountain. They just took it for granite.

Tom

[Tom&Shelly]

When you're taking middle school American history, but your dad teaches logic at the local community college (and helps you with your homework):

History teacher: The Civil War was one of the bloodiest in US history, and, surprisingly, more soldiers died of disease than of wounds received in battle.

Homework:
1. How many soldiers fought in the Civil War (on both sides)?
2. How many died (of all causes)?



Answers:
A. Not many. Most picked one side or the other and stuck with it.
B. All of them!

Tom

[Tom&Shelly]

There is a peculiar state law in New York: When folks accidently leave a sock in a washer or dryer at a laundramat, the laundramat is required to send it (actually, it's usually a bagful a month) to a central location. There, socks are paired up as best they can and given away to the homeless.

The place is called the New York Sock Exchange.

Tom

[DJ Davis]

I always wanted to be a Gregorian monk but I never got the chants.

[rjgimp]

I hear that humans eat more bananas than monkeys. This must be true because I've eaten lots of bananas but I can't remember the last time I ate a monkey.

[rjgimp]

I went to a fast food place and ate a kid's meal yesterday.

His mother didn't seem too happy about it.

[Tom&Shelly]

Shelly: What are we going to do for our tenth anniversary?

Me: Want to go to Disneyland?

Shelly: No! Why would I want to go there? You know I get sick on the rides!

Me: But we can wander around and see the characters; don't you want to meet Dopey?

Shelly: I see him when I wake up every morning!

Tom