Humor of the Day

[Loader]

We have a "chicken gun" here where I work in the aerospace industry. Hasn't been used in years. Here's a screen shot from a video showing the canopy flex as the 2 lb chicken hits at about 250 knots.

[cracker39]

Enough with chickens...now for some ducks...


While three guys were golfing, a violent storm came up suddenly, and before they could get to cover, they were all killed by a bolt of lightning. Luckily, they all went to heaven. When they got there, they were greeted by St. Peter, who says “We have only one rule in heaven…don’t step on the ducks”.

So, they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It’s almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, one of them accidentally steps on a duck.

Along comes St. Peter with one of the ugliest women he has ever seen. St. Peter chains them together and says “this is your punishment for stepping on a duck. You will spend eternity chained to this woman”.

The next day, the second man steps accidentally on a duck, and along comes St. Peter, who doesn’t miss a thing, and with him is another extremely ugly woman. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first man.

The third man has ovserved all this and not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly woman is very, VERY careful where he steps. He manages to go months without stepping on any ducks. But, one day, St. Peter comes up to him with the most beautiful woman he has ever seen. She is very curvaceous, has long blond hair, and sexy eyes. As St. Peter chains them together, the man remarks “I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?

The woman replies, “I don’t know about you, but I stepped on a duck”.

[toypusher]

Ducks is it???? Well here goes:

Two boys were going to the movies
The first one says to the second one: “You can’t take your duck in there!”
The second one says: “I’ll just stuff him down the front of my pants”
So, they get into the movies and sit down next to two old ladies.
After a few minutes the first boy says: “Your ducks gonna suffocate in there”
The second one unzips his pants and lets the duck stick it’s head out.
The old lady setting next to him pokes the other old lady and says: “Hey, look at that
The second old lady says: “Aw, ya seen one, ya seen them all.”
The first old lady replies: “ Ya, but this one is eating my popcorn!”

[Boodro]

MR Ducks

MR Not


O,S,A,R, c dem wings



LIB MR Ducks

[cracker39]

OK, it's the humor thread, but it's Christmas, so let's get a little serious with some gift suggestions.


If you don't know what in the world you can buy for that very special "Automotive Minded" person in you life, or even someone who isn't very mechanically minded, these gift suggestions should be considered.

1. Tire Air Change Kit. This kit comes with everything you need to change the air in your tires. This highly recommended but often overlooked maintenance item is much easier now. Remember to change your air every 3000 miles or twice a year. $25

2. Blinker Fluid. You knew it existed but, WOW, is this stuff hard to find. 4oz bottle. $12

3. Synthetic Blinker Fluid. Better yet! 4oz bottle. $24 4. Light Bulb Filaments. Why throw away a perfectly good turn signal or stop light bulb when you can just install a new filament? Premium Filaments, made in the USA! $1 each.

5. Manifold Heat. Yes, your exhaust manifold should be HOT. If it's not, you may need this item. Sold by the pound. $3.50

6. Steering Wheel Gaskets. All SIZES available! Email for specific application. From $9.99

7. Tie Rod Tensioner. Is your tie rod limp? Tension it with T-50! $14.99

8. Alternator Batteries. (4 required, replace them all!) From $2.99

9. Fan Belt Buckles. Specify brass or chrome. Gold available special order. $14.99

10. Muffler Bearing Manual. Print version $59.95

11. Muffler Bearing Manual. CD version $49.99

12. Universal Muffler Bearing Tool Kit $105.59

13. Muffler Bearing Hi Temp Synthetic Lube (the only kind we sell!) $40.24

14. Muffler Bearings From $19.95

15. Muffler Bearing Gasket Kits From $9.99

16. Momentum (required for tackling some off road obstacles). Sold by the lb-ft/sec $0.50

17. Microsoft Windows Eliminator. If your car or truck begins to run poorly, (long time to start, frequent crashes, etc.), it's computer, (ecm, ecu, black box, etc.), may have become infected with this nasty computer virus. This product will safely remove the virus. $199

18. Mirror Image Flipper Film. Did you know that the image you see in your rear view mirrors are reversed! This is a manufacturing flaw that the auto companies have kept secret for years as the recall would cost BILLIONS! This film can be cut and placed over any mirror to correct the image. Now you'll be able to read signs in the rear view mirror! $5 per square ft.

To Order, please call: 1-888-GOT-AWAY (Please wait if we don't answer right away, as our courteous operators are very busy with lots of other things.)

Or send your check or money order to:
TAKEYUTUKLEENERS, INC.
P.O. Box 86
New Orleans, La. 86866

Sorry! Website temporarily unavailable. )

[madjack]

...chicken gun story debunked.... http://www.snopes.com/science/cannon.htm ..............

p.s. sorry, I just had to doit...but it is still a great story..............

[Kevin A]

...chicken gun story debunked.... http://www.snopes.com/science/cannon.htm ..............

p.s. sorry, I just had to doit...but it is still a great story..............

AWWWWW come on M/J, I'll bet you don't believe in Santa either...

[madjack]

...I believe in Santa...I believe...I believe...I believe...I believe...I believe...don't listen to that evil man...I really, really, really, really believe in Santa...
madjack

[TomS]

Hey Madjack, It's after 8 p.m., your time. If Santa's elves see that stiill up, Santa won't stop by your house Saturday night.

Hey, it worked well on my kids!

[gman]

THE SPOON

A timeless lesson on how consultants can make a difference for an
organization. Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant,
and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his
shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange. When the busboy brought our
water and utensils, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt
pocket. Then I looked around saw that all the staff had spoons in
their pockets.

When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, "Why the spoon?"

"Well, "he explained, "the restaurant's owners hired Andersen Consulting
to revamp all our processes. After several months of analysis,
they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped
utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per
table per hour. If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the
number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift."

As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it
with his spare.

"I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making
an extra trip to get it right now."

I was impressed. I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of
the waiter's fly. Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the
same string hanging from their flies. So before he walked off, I asked
the waiter:

"Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?"

"Oh, certainly!" Then he lowered his voice. "Not everyone is so
observant. ! That consulting firm I mentioned also found out that we can
save time in the restroom. By tying this string to the tip of you know
what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to
wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39 percent.

I asked "After you get it out, how do you put it back?"

"Well," he whispered, "I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon."

[gman]

My uncle's a rheumatoid alcoholic....

Every night he gets stiff in a different joint.




Just after the maid had been fired, she took five bucks from her purse and
threw it to Fido, the family dog.

When asked why by her former employer, she answered, "I never forget a
friend. This was for helping me clean the dishes all the time!"



Q. How many Spaniards does it take to change a light bulb?

A. Just Juan.





At my friends' wedding reception, the groom stood to say a few words. He
turned to his bride's mother. "You've given me a gift," he began, "a gift
that..."

Here he paused in thought, whereupon his mother-in-law completed the
sentence, "That you can't return!"





"I always find that statistics are hard to swallow and impossible to digest.
The only one I can ever remember is that if all the people who go to sleep
in church were laid end to end they would be a lot more comfortable."



Bubba and Clem find three hand grenades and decide to take them to the
police station. "What if one of them explodes before we get there?" asks
Clem.


"Don't worry about it," says Bubba. "We'll just lie and tell them we only
found two."





Sign seen in Washington, DC.

"Would someone please give him a blow job so we can impeach him."

[Hardin Valley Magic]

Gman: I guess you didn't ask for a drink refill..

[Hardin Valley Magic]

Employee Christmas Party MEMO

Christmas Party
December 1...To All Employees
I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will be held
on December 23rd at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue. There will be lots of
spiked eggnog and a small band will play traditional carols...feel free
to sing-along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as
Santa Claus to light the Christmas tree.
Exchanging gifts among employees can be done at this time. Please
remember to keep gifts to the agreed $10 limit.
Merry Christmas to you and yours,
Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
------------------------------------------------------------------------
December 2...To All Employees
In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish
employees. We recognize that Hanukkah is an important holiday and
often coincides with Christmas (although not this year). However, from
now on we're calling this party our Holiday Party. The same policy also
applies to employees who are celebrating Kwanzaa at this time. There
will be no tree or Christmas carols sung.
Happy holidays to you and yours.
Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
------------------------------------------------------------------------
December 3...To All Employees
Regarding the anonymous note I received from a member of Alcoholics
Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table, I'm happy to accommodate
your request but please remember that if I put a sign on the table that
reads "AA Only" you won't be anonymous any more.
In addition, we'll no longer be having a gift exchange because union
members feel that $10 is too much money.
Patti Lewis, Human Resources Director
------------------------------------------------------------------------
December 7...To All Employees
I have arranged for members of Overeaters Anonymous to sit farthest
away from the dessert table and for pregnant members to sit closest to
the restrooms. Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not
have to sit with gays; each group will have its own table. And, yes,
there will be a flower arrangement for the gay men's table.
Happy now?
Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
------------------------------------------------------------------------
December 9...To All Employees
People! People! Nothing sinister was intended by wanting our CEO to
play Santa Claus. Even if the anagram for "Santa" does happen to be
"Satan." There is no evil connation to our own little "man in a red
suit."
Patti Lewis, Human Resources Director
------------------------------------------------------------------------
December 10...To All Employees
Vegetarians! I've had it with you people. We're holding this party at
Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue whether you like it or not. You can just sit
at the table farthest from the "Grill of Death" as you call it, and
you'll get salad bar only including hydroponics tomatoes. Tomatoes have
feelings too, you know. They scream when you slice them. I can hear
them now. I hope you have a rotten holiday. Drive drunk and die, you
hear me?
The B*&^h from Hell
------------------------------------------------------------------------
December 14...To All Employees
I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery
from her stress-related illness. I'll continue to forward your cards to
her at the sanitarium. In the meantime management has decided to cancel
the Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with
full pay.
Terri Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director

[SmokeyBob]

This is an actual letter sent to a man named Ryan DeVries by the

Michigan Department of Environmental Quality, State of Michigan. This

guy's response is hilarious, but read the State's letter before you get

to the response letter.



(This is the State's Letter!)



SUBJECT: DEQ File No.97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; Montcalm County



Dear Mr. DeVries:



It has come to the attention of the Department of Environmental Quality

that there has been recent unauthorized activity on the above referenced

parcel of property. You have been certified as the legal landowner

and/or contractor who did the following unauthorized activity:



Construction and maintenance of two wood debris
dams across the outlet

stream of Spring Pond. A permit must be issued prior to the start of

this type of activity. A review of the department's files shows that no

permits have been issued. Therefore, the Department has determined that

this activity is in violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of

the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the

Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the

Michigan Compiled Laws, annotated.



The Department has been informed that one or both of the dams partially

failed during a recent rain event, causing debris and flooding at

downstream locations. We find that dams of this nature are inherently

hazardous and cannot be permitted. The Department therefore orders you

to cease and desist all activities at this
location, and to restore the

stream to a free-flow condition by removing all wood and brush forming

the dams from the stream channel. All restoration work shall be

completed no later than January 31, 2005.



Please notify this office when the restoration has been completed so

that a follow-up site inspection may be scheduled by our staff. Failure

to comply with this request or any further unauthorized activity on the

site may result in this case being referred for elevated enforcement

action. We anticipate and would appreciate your full cooperation in this

matter.



Please feel free to contact me at this office if you have any questions.



Sincerely,



David L. Price, District Representative Land and Water Management Division







** Here is the actual
response sent back by Mr. DeVries: **



Re: DEQ File

No. 97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; Montcalm County.



Dear Mr. Price,



Your certified letter dated 12/17/02 has been handed to me to respond to.



I am the legal landowner but not the Contractor at 2088 Dagget, Pierson,

Michigan. A couple of beavers are in the process of constructing and

maintaining two wood "debris" dams across the outlet stream of my Spring

Pond.



While I did not pay for, authorize, nor supervise their dam project, I

think they would be highly offended that you call their skillful use of

natures building materials "debris." I would like to challenge your

department to attempt to emulate their dam project any time and/or any

place you choose.



I believe I can safely state there is
no way you could ever match their

dam skills, their dam resourcefulness, their dam ingenuity, their dam

persistence, their dam determination and/or their dam work ethic.



As to your request, I do not think the beavers are aware that they must

first fill out a dam permit prior to the start of this type of dam

activity.



My first dam question to you is: (1) Are you trying to discriminate

against my Spring Pond Beavers, or (2) do you require all beavers

throughout this state to conform to said dam request? If you are not

discriminating against these particular beavers, through the Freedom of

Information Act, I request completed copies of all those other

applicable beaver dam permits that have been issued. Perhaps we will see

if there really is a dam violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes
and

Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act

451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101to 324.30113 of

the Michigan Compiled Laws, annotated.



I have several concerns. My first concern is; aren't the beavers

entitled to legal representation? The Spring Pond Beavers are

financially destitute and are unable to pay for said representation --

so the State will have to provide them with a dam lawyer. The

Department's dam concern that either one or both of the dams failed

during a recent rain event, causing flooding, is proof that this is a

natural occurrence, which the Department is required to protect. In

other words, we should leave the Spring Pond Beavers alone rather than

harassing them and calling their dam names.



If you want the stream
"restored" to a dam free-flow condition please

contact the beavers -- but if you are going to arrest them, they

obviously did not pay any attention to your dam letter, they being

unable to read English.



In my humble opinion, the Spring Pond Beavers have a right to build

their unauthorized dams as long as the sky is blue, the grass is green

and water flows downstream. They have more dam rights than I do to live

and enjoy Spring Pond. If the Department of Natural Resources and

Environmental Protection lives up to its name, it should protect the

natural resources(Beavers) and the environment (Beavers' Dams).



So, as far as the beavers and I are concerned, this dam case can be

referred for more elevated enforcement action right now. Why wait until

1/31/2005? The Spring Pond Beavers may be under
the dam ice then and

there will be no way for you or your dam staff to contact/harass them then.



In conclusion, I would like to bring to your attention to a real

environmental quality (health) problem in the area. It is the bears!

Bears are actually defecating in our woods. I definitely believe you

should be prosecuting the defecating bears and leave the beavers alone.

If you are going to investigate the beaver dam, watch your step! (The

bears are not careful where they dump!)



Being unable to comply with your dam request, and being unable to

contact you on your dam answering machine, I am sending this response to

your dam office.



THANK YOU.



RYAN DEVRIES & THE DAM BEAVERS

[toypusher]

Dam - That's funny!