Humor of the Day

[SmokeyBob]

A ventriloquist is telling Irish jokes in a pub, when an irate Irishman stands up.

"You're making out we're all dumb and stupid. I oughta punch you in the nose."

"I'm sorry sir. I..."

"Not you," says the Irishman. "I'm talking to that little fella on your knee."

[SmokeyBob]

An Irishman was flustered not being able to find a parking space in a large mall's parking lot.

"Lord,"he prayed,"I can't stand this.If you open a space up for me,I swear I'll give up drinking me whiskey, and I promise to go to church every Sunday."
Suddenly, the clouds parted and the sun shone on an empty parking spot. Without hesitation, the man said,"Never mind,I found one."

[SmokeyBob]

An applicant for a job with the federal government was filling out the application form.

He came to this question: "Do you favor the overthrow of the United States government by force, subversion, or violence?"

Thinking it was a multiple-choice question, he circled "violence."

[SmokeyBob]

Ron was almost 29 years old. Most of his friends were already married while Ron just bounced from one relationship to the next.

Finally a friend asked him, "What's the matter, are you looking for the perfect woman? Are you THAT particular? Can't you find anyone who suits you?"

"No," Ron replied. "I meet a lot of nice women, but as soon as I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesn't like them. So I keep on looking!"

"Listen," his friend suggested, "Why don't you find one who's just like your dear ol' Mother?"

Many weeks passed before Ron and his friend crossed paths again.

"So Ron. Did you find the perfect woman yet? One that's just like your Mother?"

Ron shrugged his shoulders, "Yes I found one just like Mom. My mother loved her, they became great friends."

"Excellent!!! So... Are you and this girl engaged yet?"

"I'm afraid not," Ron replied, "My Father can't stand her!"

[SmokeyBob]

A woman begins to pray, "God, please help me. I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lottery."

Lottery night comes and somebody else wins.

She again prays, "God, please let me win the lottery! I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well."

Lottery night comes and she still has no luck.

So, once again, she prays, "My God, why have you forsaken me? I've lost my business, my house and my car. My children are starving. I don't often ask You for help and I've always been a good servant to You. Please let me win the lottery just this one time, so I can get my life back in order."

Suddenly, there is a blinding flash of light as the Heavens open. She is overwhelmed by the voice of God, Himself.

He says, "Sweetheart, work with Me on this. Buy a ticket."

[SmokeyBob]

A minister told his congregation, "Next week I plan to preach about the sin of lying. To help you understand my sermon, I want you all to read Mark 17."

The following Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his sermon, the minister asked for a show of hands. He wanted to know how many had read Mark 17.

Every hand went up. The minister smiled and said, "Mark has only 16 chapters. I will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying."

[SmokeyBob]

Two opposing candidates for county office happened to be sitting next to each other in the local diner.

One turned to the other and said, "You know why I'm going to win this election? Because of my 'personal touch.' For example, I always tip waitresses really well and then ask them to vote for me."

"Oh, really?" replied the other, "I always tip them a nickel and ask them to vote for you."

[SmokeyBob]

We went to the movie the other night. I sat in an aisle seat as I usually do, because it feels a little roomier. Just as the feature was about to start, a baby boomer from the center of the row got up and started working her way out.

"Excuse me, sorry, oops, excuse me, pardon me, gotta hurry, oops, excuse me."

By the time she got to me, I was trying to look around her and I was a little impatient, so I said, "Couldn't you have done this a little earlier"?

"No!!" she said in a loud whisper. "The 'Turn Off Your Cell Phone, Please' message just flashed up on the screen and mine is out in the car."

[SmokeyBob]

Cleaning Advice

Every time you get the urge to clean, watch Hoarders. You may decide your house isn’t that dirty after all.

When it’s your turn to host a gathering and your guests ask what they can bring, tell them dark socks and low expectations.

Post a sign on your door that says: “My house was clean yesterday. Sorry you missed it.”

Instead of vacuuming the sofa, just flip over the cushions. Take that, to do list!

[SmokeyBob]

Years ago, when my daughter was expecting her second baby, my husband and I traveled to the Air Force base where they were stationed so we would be able to take care of their first daughter when the new baby was born.

We arrived at their house in the evening and little Jane was bathed and ready for bed. Her mother told her to go tell everyone good night so she dutifully kissed everyone, including her mother's tummy and told us all goodnight and scampered down the hallway.

Suddenly she stopped and said, "Oh I forgot." Running over to her grandpa she reached up and kissed his rather portly stomach and announced quite matter-of-factly, "I forgot to kiss grandpa's baby goodnight."

[SmokeyBob]

A friend and I stayed at a Chicago hotel while attending a convention. Since we weren't used to the big city, we were overly concerned about security.

The first night we placed a chair against the door and stacked our luggage on it. To complete the barricade, we put the trash can on top. If an intruder tried to break in, we'd be sure to hear him.

Around 1 a.m. there was a knock on the door.

"Who is it?" my friend asked nervously.

"Honey," a woman on the other side yelled, "you left your key in the door."

[SmokeyBob]

You never know what you have…until you clean your room.

I love cleaning up messes I didn’t make. So I became a mom.

My room is not dirty. I just have everything on display. Like a museum.

A clean house is a sign of no Internet connection.
The true, short story of every parent: “My house was clean. Then the kids woke up. The end.”

[SmokeyBob]

The difference between complete and finished?

If you marry the right one, that's complete.

If you marry the wrong one, that's finished.

If you marry the right one and then get caught with the wrong one, that's completely finished.

[SmokeyBob]

Dr. Stitchem was trying very hard to convince Percy that he should give up drinking.

"Ever notice a cactus plant?" he asked the boozer. "If you pour water around its roots it thrives, turns greener and grows bigger. Take the same

cactus plant. Pour vile liquor on it and what happens? It shrivels, it shrinks, it dies. Doesn't this teach you anything?"

"Yes," said Percy. "If you want a cactus growing in your stomach drink water."

[SmokeyBob]

A lady died this past January, and Citibank billed her for February and March for their annual service charges on her credit card, and added late fees and interest on the monthly charge. The balance had been $0.00, now somewhere around $60.00. A family member placed a call to Citibank. Here is the exchange:

Family Member: 'I am calling to tell you she died in January.'

Citibank: 'The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply.'

Family Member: 'Maybe, you should turn it over to collections.'

Citibank: 'Since it is two months past due, it already has been.'

Family Member: So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?'

Citibank: 'Either report her account to frauds division or report her to the credit bureau, maybe both!'

Family Member: 'Do you think God will be mad at her?' (I really liked this part!!!!)

Citibank: 'Excuse me?'

Family Member: 'Did you just get what I was telling you - the part about her being dead?'

Citibank: 'Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor.' (Duh!)

Supervisor gets on the phone:

Family Member: 'I'm calling to tell you, she died in January.'

Citibank : 'The account was never closed and late fees and charges still apply.' (This must be a phrase taught by the bank!)

Family Member: 'You mean you want to collect from her estate?'

Citibank: (Stammer) 'Are you her lawyer?'

Family Member: 'No, I'm her great nephew.' (Lawyer info given)

Citibank: 'Could you fax us a certificate of death?'

Family Member: 'Sure.' (Fax number is given )

After they get the fax:

Citibank: 'Our system just isn't setup for death. I don't know what more I can do to help.'

Family Member: 'Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing her. I don't think she will care.'

Citibank: 'Well, the late fees and charges do still apply.'(What is wrong with these people?!?)

Family Member: 'Would you like her new billing address?'

Citibank: 'That might help.'
Family Member: ' Odessa Memorial Cemetery, Highway 129, Plot Number 69.'