Humor of the Day

[bobhenry]

A lady died this past January, and Citibank billed her for February and March for their annual service charges on her credit card, and added late fees and interest on the monthly charge. The balance had been $0.00, now somewhere around $60.00. A family member placed a call to Citibank. Here is the exchange:

Family Member: 'I am calling to tell you she died in January.'

Citibank: 'The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply.'

Family Member: 'Maybe, you should turn it over to collections.'

Citibank: 'Since it is two months past due, it already has been.'

Family Member: So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?'

Citibank: 'Either report her account to frauds division or report her to the credit bureau, maybe both!'

Family Member: 'Do you think God will be mad at her?' (I really liked this part!!!!)

Citibank: 'Excuse me?'

Family Member: 'Did you just get what I was telling you - the part about her being dead?'

Citibank: 'Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor.' (Duh!)

Supervisor gets on the phone:

Family Member: 'I'm calling to tell you, she died in January.'

Citibank : 'The account was never closed and late fees and charges still apply.' (This must be a phrase taught by the bank!)

Family Member: 'You mean you want to collect from her estate?'

Citibank: (Stammer) 'Are you her lawyer?'

Family Member: 'No, I'm her great nephew.' (Lawyer info given)

Citibank: 'Could you fax us a certificate of death?'

Family Member: 'Sure.' (Fax number is given )

After they get the fax:

Citibank: 'Our system just isn't setup for death. I don't know what more I can do to help.'

Family Member: 'Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing her. I don't think she will care.'

Citibank: 'Well, the late fees and charges do still apply.'(What is wrong with these people?!?)

Family Member: 'Would you like her new billing address?'

Citibank: 'That might help.'
Family Member: ' Odessa Memorial Cemetery, Highway 129, Plot Number 69.'

I HAVE GOTTA SEND THIS WITH EASH PAYMENT TO THESE PARASITES

[VijayGupta]

Radio chatter:

OD: "Radio dispatcher, this is Officer Davis. I need to speak to the Sgt."

Sgt: "Yes, officer Davis what seems to be the situation?"

OD: "We've responded to that domestic disturbance call you sent us. Turns out the wife shot the husband in the leg because he just walked in on the kitchen floor that she'd mopped."

Sgt: "Do you have the situation under control?"

OD: "Yes, sir, we have the male victim being taken to the hospital by the EMS. Not done anything with the perpetrator yet."

Sgt: "What's the problem, has she fled the scene? Why haven't you taken her into custody?"

OD: "Well, sir, the floor is still wet."

[felixx]

[SmokeyBob]

My husband and I were watching Forrest Gump at the base theater. The crowd was pretty quiet throughout the film, until the scene when Forrest graduates from college and is met by an Army recruiter.

That was met with a shout from behind us: "Run, Forrest, run!"

[SmokeyBob]

John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn't help noticing how beautiful John's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between John and his roommate, and this only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between John and the roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, John volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Julie and I are just roommates."

About a week later, Julie came to John and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you"?

John said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure."

So he sat down and wrote, "Dear Mother, I'm not saying you did take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you did not take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner."

Several days later, John received a letter from his mother which read, "Dear Son, I'm not saying that you do sleep with Julie, and I'm not saying that you do not sleep with Julie. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mom."

Lesson of the day: don't lie to your mother.

[jerrysutphin]

What do you do if attacked by a pack of clowns? Go for the juggler.

[SmokeyBob]

You're in incredible shape," the doctor said. "How old are you again"?

"I am 78," the man said.

"78!" remarked the doctor. "How do you stay so healthy? You look like a 60-year-old."

"Well, my wife and I made a pact when we got married that whenever she got mad, she would go into the kitchen and cool off and I would go outside for a walk to settle down," the man explained.

"What does that have to do with it?” asked the doctor.

"I've pretty much lived an outdoor life."

[SmokeyBob]

Early one morning, my husband, who works in a funeral home, woke me, complaining about severe abdominal pains. We rushed to the emergency room, where tests were performed to determine the source of the pain.

My husband decided not to have me call in sick for him until we knew what was wrong. When the results came back, the nurse informed us that, true to our suspicions, he was suffering from a kidney stone.

I turned to my husband and asked, "Would you like me to call the funeral home now?"

With a scornful look, the nurse turned to me and snapped, "Honey, he's not that sick!"

[SmokeyBob]

A rookie police officer was out for his first ride in a cruiser with an experienced partner. A call came in telling them to disperse some people who were loitering.

The officers drove to the street and observed a small crowd standing on a corner. The rookie rolled down his window and said, "Let's get off the corner, people."

A few glances, but no one moved, so he barked again, "Let's get off that corner...NOW!" Intimidated, the group of people began to leave, casting puzzled stares in his direction.

Proud of his first official act, the young policeman turned to his partner and asked, "Well, how did I do?"

"Pretty good," chuckled the veteran policemen, "especially since this is a bus stop!"

[SmokeyBob]

When Mary was pregnant, her five year old, Billy, was utterly amazed and a little bit disbelieving that his sister was growing in his mom's tummy.

So one day when the baby was especially active, she asked Billy to place his tiny hands on her tummy to feel the baby kick.

But when he did, the baby was suddenly still.

"Oh, Billy, she must have decided to take a nap," shrugged his mother.

"A nap"? Billy marveled. "You mean there's a bed in there too?”

[SmokeyBob]

A 75-year-old woman had a baby and when she returned from the hospital, her friends visited her to see the new baby.

She invited them in and told them they could see the baby after having a cup of tea. After tea, they asked again, but she fobbed them off by telling them she wanted to talk some more.

Eventually, they got impatient and insisted they see the child, but she told them they would have to wait until the baby cried.

"Why"? they asked.

"Because I've forgotten where I left it!"

[SmokeyBob]

A priest had been reassigned to a new church and wanted to see how seriously the attendees take Easter.

He approached one person and asks the meaning of Easter. She replies that Easter is when a giant bunny brings candy for children.

Okay, how about another? So, the priest asks someone else. He says Easter is when all the children color eggs and the adults hide the Easter eggs and let the children participate in an egg hunt.

Okay, another. So, the priest finds a conservative looking person praying quietly and he hopes she appreciates the meaning of Easter. She describes how Jesus carried the cross and then was crucified and then his body was put in a cave with a rock at the entrance.

"Good so far," thought the priest, but then the lady continued.

"Then on Easter Sunday, the boulder magically rolled away from the cave, Jesus was resurrected and stepped out of the cave and saw his shadow. He then knew there would be six more weeks of winter."

[SmokeyBob]

Driving to work, a gentleman had to swerve to avoid a box that fell out of a truck in front of him.

Seconds later, a policeman pulled him over for reckless driving.

Fortunately, another officer had seen the carton in the road. The policemen stopped traffic and recovered the box.

It was found to contain large upholstery tacks.

"I'm sorry sir," the first trooper told the driver, "but I am still going to have to write you a ticket."

Amazed, the driver asked for what. The trooper replied, "Tacks evasion."

[SmokeyBob]

A man walks into a bar, and tells the bartender to pour him a 12 year old single malt scotch "before the trouble starts."

The bartender pours his drink and quietly moves away.

After finishing his drink, the man calls the bartender back and tells him "pour me a 15 year old scotch before the trouble starts."

The bartender thinks this is very strange but pours him the 15 year old scotch.

After finishing that drink, the man tells the bartender to pour him an 18 year old scotch "before the trouble starts."

The bartender is becoming a little worried, but pours him the 18 year old scotch.

Before the man finishes his 18 year old scotch, the bartender finally gets up the nerve to ask: "Say friend, when this trouble is going to start?"

To which the man replies: "The trouble starts, when you find out that I don't have any money."

[SmokeyBob]

In the hardware store, a 
clerk asked, “Can I help you find 
anything?”

“How about my misspent youth,” joked my husband.

The clerk shot back, “We keep that in the back, between world peace and winning lottery tickets.”