Humor of the Day

[SmokeyBob]

A small plane was carrying three passengers over a mountain range -- an old man, his grandson, and an eminent scientist.

Suddenly, the pilot burst into the cabin, saying 'The engines have all failed! Grab a parachute and jump from the plane!' With this, the pilot opened the cabin door and leapt out with his parachute.

To their dismay, the 3 passengers discovered only 2 parachutes were left in the cabin!

The Eminent Scientist took a pack, saying 'I'm sorry you two, but I won a Nobel Prize, I am the head of several intellectual Think Tanks -- honestly, I'm worth more to society than either of you'. The Eminent Scientist leapt from the plane.

The Old Man turned to his grandson and said, 'My dear boy, take the last parachute. I've had a good life. Yours has just begun.'

'Don't worry, Grandpa' said the young boy, 'that guy just jumped out the plane with my backpack.'

[SmokeyBob]

A large two engine train was crossing America. After they had gone some distance one of the engines broke down.

"No problem," the engineer thought, and carried on at half-power.

Further on down the line, the other engine broke down, and the train came to a standstill. The engineer decided he should inform the passengers about why the train had stopped, and made the following announcement:

"Ladies and gentlemen, I have some good news and some bad news. The bad news is that both engines have failed, and we will be stuck here for some time. The good news is that this is a train and not a plane."

[SmokeyBob]

Warning Labels

Google: “Warning! You may find more than what you’re looking for.”

Apple computers: “Warning! High Smug Advisory.”

Wikipedia: “Warning label does 
not exist. Would you like to create warning label?”

Match.com: “Contents may just be settling.”

[SmokeyBob]

Joan invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to their six-year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the blessing?"

"I wouldn't know what to say," the girl replied.

"Just say what you hear Mommy say," Joan answered.

The girl thought for a minute, then bowed her head and said, "Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?"

[SmokeyBob]

When the wealthy businessman choked on a fish bone at a restaurant, he was fortunate that a doctor was seated at a nearby table.

Springing up, the doctor skillfully removed the bone and saved his life.

As soon as the fellow had calmed himself and could talk again, he thanked the surgeon enthusiastically and offered to pay him for his services.

"Just name the fee," he croaked gratefully.

"Okay," replied the doctor. "How about half of what you'd have offered when the bone was still stuck in your throat?"

[SmokeyBob]

When Brandon's mother found out she was pregnant, she told the good news to anyone who would listen. But Little Brandon overheard some of his parents' private conversations.

One day, when Brandon and his mother were shopping, a woman asked the little boy if he was excited about the new baby.

"Yes!" Brandon answered, "and I know what we're gonna name it, too. If it's a girl, we're going to call her Christina, and if it's another boy we're going to call it quits!"

[SmokeyBob]

10 Signs That You're Broke

1. American Express calls and says: "Leave home without it!"

2. Your idea of a 7-course meal is taking a deep breath outside a restaurant.

3. You're formulating a plan to rob the food bank.

4. Long distance companies don't call you to switch.

5. You look at your roommate and see a large fried chicken in tennis shoes.

6. Your rob Peter... and then rob Paul.

7. You finally clean your house, hoping to find change.

8. You think of a lottery ticket as an investment.

9. Your bologna has no first name.

10. You give blood everyday... just for the orange juice.

[SmokeyBob]

While on leave, my Marine buddy and I met two nursing students from Southern California. After chatting them up awhile, the conversation turned to what we did in the service. When we told them we were in the infantry, the girls seemed very impressed, giving us big smiles as they told us how sweet that was.

Since infantry and sweet are seldom used in the same sentence, I was a little confused.

Until, that is, one of the girls said, "We admire any man who works with infants."

[SmokeyBob]

Panicking when her toddler swallowed a tiny magnet, my sister, Betty, rushed him to the emergency room.

"He'll be fine," the doctor promised her. "The magnet should pass through his system in a day or two."

"How will I be sure?" she pressed.

"Well," the doctor suggested, "you could stick him on the refrigerator. When he falls off, you'll know."

[SmokeyBob]

A husband and wife had a huge argument and ended up not talking to each other for days. Finally, he asked, "Do you know where my white dress shirt is?"

"Oh, so now you're speaking to me?"

"What are you talking about?"

"Haven't you noticed I haven't spoken to you for three days?"

"No. I just thought we were getting along!"

[pete49]

When I heard Fred Niles and Chris Riley were guest preachers
nearby Bourke church, I decided to check them out in person and see
what it was all about.

I sat down and Fred Niles came up to me, I don't know why, maybe
it was because I was the only white person in the Church.

He laid his hands on my hand and said: "By the will of Jesus the
Lord All Mighty, and the will of God, you will walk today. "

I told him I was not paralyzed.

Then Chris Riley came by and said: "By the Grace of God, and
his Son Jesus, the Lord All Mighty, you will walk today. "

Again I told him there is nothing wrong with me.

After the sermon I stepped outside and Lo and Behold, my car had been stolen...

Pete

[SmokeyBob]

The recent scandals over how large companies have been cooking the books reminds me of a basic accounting course I took years ago.

The professor was explaining an accounting method called First In, Last Out, which is useful for industries that accumulate large inventories of stuff. It explains why the oil industry, for example, reported huge profits during the 1970s, when the oil shortage occurred.

They stopped buying oil, so they had to use oil that, on paper, had been purchased in the
1930s at 20¢ a barrel. They, of course, sold it at current market prices, which accounted for their huge profits.

One of the students put up his hand and said, "Excuse me, sir, but that doesn't sound very ethical to me."

To which the professor replied, "You're in the wrong class, son. This is Accounting 101. Ethics 101 is down the hall."

[SmokeyBob]

Things You'll Never Hear a Mother Say

- "How on earth can you see the TV sitting so far back?"

- "Yeah, I used to skip school a lot, too."

- "Just leave all the lights on. It makes the house look more cheery."

- "Let me smell that shirt. Yeah, it's good for another week."

- "Go ahead and keep that stray dog, honey. I'll be glad to feed and walk him every day."

- "Well, if Timmy's mom says it's okay, that's good enough for me."

- "The curfew is just a general time to shoot for. It's not like I'm running a prison around here."

- "I don't have a tissue with me, just use your sleeve."

- "Don't bother wearing a jacket. The wind chill is bound to improve."

[SmokeyBob]

My mom has a lead foot, so I was not surprised when a state trooper pulled us over as we were driving through Georgia. Hoping to get off with a warning, mom tried to appear shocked when he walked up to the car.

"I have never been stopped like this before," she said to the officer.

"What do they usually do, ma'am," he asked, "shoot the tires out"?

[SmokeyBob]

My job as a land surveyor took me to a golf course that was expanding from nine holes to 18 holes.

Using a machete to clear thick brush in an area I was mapping, I came upon a golf club that an irate player must have tossed away. It was in good condition, so I picked it up and continued on.

When I broke out of the brush onto a putting green, two golfers stared at me in awe. I had a machete in one hand and a golf club in the other. And behind me was a clear cut swath leading out of the woods.

"There," said one of the golfers, "is a guy who hates to lose his ball!"