Humor of the Day

Things that don't fit anywhere else...

Re: Humor of the Day

Postby SmokeyBob » Fri Apr 29, 2016 10:10 am

Why did the chicken cross the road halfway?
She wanted to lay it on the line

Why did the chicken cross the basketball court?
He heard the referee calling fowls

Why did the chicken cross the playground?
To get to the other slide

Why did the chicken scientist cross the road?
To invent the other side

What do you get when you cross a chicken and a pit bull?
Just the pit bull
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Re: Humor of the Day

Postby SmokeyBob » Fri Jun 17, 2016 9:50 am

Perfect Card

My 16-year-old brother, Ryan, was out late with friends one night. Suddenly he realized it was Father’s Day and he had neglected to buy a card for our dad. After much searching, Ryan located an open store, but was disappointed to find only two cards left on a picked-over rack. Selecting one, he brought it home and, somewhat sheepishly, presented it to our father.

Upon opening it, Dad read this message: “You’ve been like a father to me.”
He looked at Ryan, puzzled.

“Well, Dad,” Ryan tried to explain, “it was either that or the card that said, ‘Now that I’m a father too!'”

Wash Day

I decided to make myself useful and do a load of the family laundry. When I took the clothes out of the machine, I discovered — to my dismay — that I had also washed the watch my wife had given me while we were dating.

“Don’t expect me to replace it,” she said later with an obvious lack of sympathy.

By the time Father’s Day rolled around, however, she had relented and gave me a beautiful new watch.

Attached was a note with this stipulation: “DRY-CLEAN ONLY!”
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Re: Humor of the Day

Postby SmokeyBob » Fri Jul 15, 2016 9:08 am

Dear John

Dear John,

I have been unable to sleep since I broke off our engagement.
Won't you forgive and forget? Your absence is breaking my heart.
I was a fool, nobody can take your place. I love you.

All my love,

Belinda. xxxxoooxxxx


P.S. Congratulations on winning last week's Powerball lottery.



The Secret

A couple had been married for 45 years and had raised a brood of 11 children and was blessed with 22 grandchildren.

When asked the secret for staying together all that time, the wife replies, "Many years ago we made a promise to each other: the first one to pack up and leave has to take all the kids."



The Diagnosis

A woman went to the doctor's office where she was seen by one of the younger doctors. After about four minutes in the examination room, she burst out screaming as she ran down the hall. An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she told him her story.

After listening, he had her sit down and relax in another room. The older doctor marched down the hallway back to where the young doctor was writing on his clipboard.

"What's the matter with you?" the older doctor demanded. "Mrs. Terry is
61 years old, has four grown children and seven grandchildren and you told her she was pregnant?"

The younger doctor continued writing, and without looking up and said,

"Does she still have the hiccups?"
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Re: Humor of the Day

Postby BigGoofyGuy » Sun Jul 17, 2016 4:20 pm

There is a new restaurant called Pavlov's. They ring a bell and everyone drools.

:lol:
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Re: Humor of the Day

Postby SmokeyBob » Mon Jul 25, 2016 10:29 am

My high school assignment 
was to ask a veteran about World War II. Since my father had served 
in the Philippines during the war, 
I chose him. After a few basic questions, I very gingerly asked, “Did you ever kill anyone?”

Dad got quiet. Then, in a soft voice, he said, “Probably. I was the cook.”
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Re: Humor of the Day

Postby SmokeyBob » Mon Jul 25, 2016 10:30 am

When I lost my rifle, the Army charged me $85. That’s why in the Navy, the captain goes down with the ship.
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Re: Humor of the Day

Postby SmokeyBob » Mon Jul 25, 2016 10:31 am

“Poor Old fool,” thought the well-dressed gentleman as he watched an old man fish in a puddle outside a pub. So he invited the old man inside for a drink. As they sipped their whiskeys, the gentleman thought he’d humor the old man and asked, “So how many have you caught today?”

The old man replied, “You’re the eighth.”
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Re: Humor of the Day

Postby SmokeyBob » Fri Aug 19, 2016 8:15 am

Don't Lie To Mom

John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn't help noticing how beautiful John's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between John and his roommate, and this only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between John and the roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, John volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Julie and I are just roommates."

About a week later, Julie came to John and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you"?

John said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure."

So he sat down and wrote, "Dear Mother, I'm not saying you did take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you did not take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner."

Several days later, John received a letter from his mother which read, "Dear Son, I'm not saying that you do sleep with Julie, and I'm not saying that you do not sleep with Julie. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mom."

Lesson of the day: don't lie to your mother.
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Re: Humor of the Day

Postby SmokeyBob » Fri Aug 19, 2016 8:19 am

Little Gordon's dad had been promising for years that he could have a hunting bow when he turned 12.

On his birthday, he unwrapped his gift box, revealing the long, sought for bow. Yet Gordon was still disappointed. "But dad, where are the arrows?"

His cautious father replied, "I never promised you arrows, Gordon."
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Re: Humor of the Day

Postby SmokeyBob » Fri Sep 02, 2016 9:49 am

Make Your Bed

When we put our house up for sale, I stressed emphatically that my sons make their beds each morning.

I left for work before they left for school and I wanted to be sure the house looked presentable when the agent showed it to prospective buyers.

I was surprised and impressed that my 15-year-old son's bed was perfectly made each day. Until, that is, one night when I went into his room, I discovered his secret.

He was fast asleep on the floor in his sleeping bag.



Batting Average

Harry was never shy about reminding people that he played semi-pro baseball.

"My teammates used to call me James Bond," he was telling his friends. "I had all sorts of tricks to confuse the opposition."

"That and he batted .007," his wife added.
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Re: Humor of the Day

Postby SmokeyBob » Thu Nov 16, 2017 12:27 am

A priest, a minister, and a rabbi want to see who’s best at his job. So they each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it.

Later they get together. The priest begins: “When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his First Communion.”

“I found a bear by the stream,” says the minister, “and preached God’s holy word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him.”

They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying on a gurney in a body cast. “Looking back,” he says, “maybe I shouldn’t have started with the circumcision.”
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Re: Humor of the Day

Postby SmokeyBob » Sun Nov 19, 2017 11:07 am

A week after John bought a bull, he complained to his friend, “All that bull does is eat grass. Won’t even look at a cow.”

“Take him to the vet,” his friend suggested.

The next week, John is much happier. “The vet gave him some pills, and the bull serviced all of my cows!” he told his pal. “Then he broke through the fence and bred with all my neighbor’s cows! He’s like a machine!”

“What kind of pills were they?” asked the friend.

“I don’t know, but they’ve got a peppermint taste.” :twisted:
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Re: Humor of the Day

Postby Bill n Robi » Tue Nov 21, 2017 10:16 am

The attack on my childhood continues...
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2015 T@G Max
2015 Toyota Tacoma TRD Sport 4 Door Short Bed
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