Humor of the Day

[SmokeyBob]

At the data-entry company where I work, the other operators and I share a coffeepot.

One morning I took it into the ladies room to fill it with water. Then I began preening in the mirror, brushing my hair and reapplying some makeup.

I didn't realize how long I'd been until someone slid a note under the door. "You win," it read. Any ransom demand will be met. Just release the coffeepot."

[SmokeyBob]

A lawyer and an engineer were fishing in the Caribbean. The lawyer said, "I'm here because my house burned down, and everything I owned was destroyed by the fire. The insurance company paid for everything."

"That's quite a coincidence," said the engineer. "I'm here because my house and all my belongings were destroyed by a flood, and my insurance company also paid for everything."

The lawyer looked somewhat confused, "How do you start a flood?"

[SmokeyBob]

A drill sergeant had just chewed out one of his cadets, and as he was walking away, he turned to the cadet and said, "I guess when I die you'll come and dance on my grave."

The cadet replied, "Not me, Sarge. No sir! I promised myself that when I got out of the Army, I'd never stand in another line!"

[SmokeyBob]

As Joan was getting to know Kyle and his family, she was very impressed by how much his parents loved each other. "They're so thoughtful," Joan said. "Why, your dad even brings your mom a cup of hot coffee in bed every morning."

After a time, Joan and Kyle were engaged, and then married. On the way from the wedding to the reception, Joan again remarked on Kyle's loving parents, and even the coffee in bed. "Tell me," she said, "does it run in the family?"

"It sure does," replied Kyle. "And I take after my mom."

[SmokeyBob]

We were helping customers when the store optometrist walked by and flirted with a co-worker.

Of course, we all had to stop what we were doing to tease her. But she quickly dismissed the notion of a budding romance.

"Can you imagine making out with an optometrist? she asked. "It would always be, 'Better like this or like this'"?

[SmokeyBob]

The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.

"Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer; she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, he's a doctor.'"

A small voice from the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher; she's still old, nasty, and wrinkled"

[SmokeyBob]

At the outpatient surgery center where I work, the anesthesiologist often chatted with patients before their operations to help them relax.

One day he thought he recognized a woman as a co-worker at the VA hospital where he had trained. When the patient confirmed that his hunch was correct, he said, "So, tell me, is the food still as bad there as it used to be?"

"Well," she replied, "I'm still cooking it."

[SmokeyBob]

A bill collector knocked on the door of a country debtor.

"Is Fred home"? he asked the woman who answered the door.

"Sorry," the woman replied. "Fred's gone for cotton."

The next day, the collector tried again.

"Is Fred here today"?

"No, sir," she said. "I'm afraid Fred has gone for cotton."

When he returned the third day, he humphed, "I suppose Fred is gone for cotton again"?

"No," the woman answered solemnly. "Fred died yesterday."

Suspicious that he was being avoided, the collector decided to wait a week and investigate the cemetery himself. But sure enough, there was poor Fred's tombstone, with this inscription:

"Gone, but not for cotton."

[SmokeyBob]

These two girlfriends are very close, allowing them to be totally honest with each other.

As one fidgeted in front of the mirror one evening before a date, she remarked, "I'm fat."

"No, you're not," the other scolded.

"My hair is awful."

"It's lovely."

"I've never looked worse," she whined.

"Yes, you have," her friend replied.

[SmokeyBob]

My wife and I take turns walking our five-year-old daughter to the bus stop for school every morning.

Today was my turn, and as me and all the other moms in the neighborhood waited, one of them asked me to say hello to my wife.

"I will," I said. "It'll make her feel better. She has pneumonia."

"Oh, poor girl," they all said in unison.

One of them crooked her eyebrow at me and said, "I hope you're helping her with the kids, the cooking and cleaning."

"I can't," I said pointing to the band aid on my index finger. "I have a hangnail."

[SmokeyBob]

Brian reported for his final exam which consisted of Yes / No answers.

He took his seat in the examination hall, stared at the test, and then in a bit of inspiration, took a quarter out of his pocket. He started tossing the coin and marking the answer sheet "Yes" for heads and "No" for tails.

Within 30 minutes he was all done whereas the rest of the class was still sweating it out. During the last few minutes of the exam period, Brian frantically started flipping the coin again.

The moderator, concerned about what he was doing, stopped by his desk and asked if everything was ok.

"Oh yes, I'm fine. I finished the exam a half hour ago—but," explaining the frantic coin tossing, "I'm going back thru and checking my answers!"

[SmokeyBob]

Three guys are riding in their truck, drinking beer, having a good ol' time.

The driver looks in the mirror and sees the flashing lights of a police car, so he pulls over.

The other two are real nervous, "What do we do with our beers? We're in trouble!"

"No," the driver says, "Just do this. Pull the label off of your beer bottle and stick it to your forehead and let me do the talking."

So, they all pull the labels off their beer bottles and stick 'em to their foreheads.

The policeman walks up and says, "You boys were swerving down the road. Have you been drinking"?

The driver says, "Oh, no officer," and points to his forehead, "We're on the patch, trying to quit."

[SmokeyBob]

At the banquet of their 25th wedding anniversary, Tom was asked to give his friends a brief account of the benefits of a marriage of such a long duration.

"Tell us Tom, just what is it you have learned from all those wonderful years with your wife"?

Tom responds, "Well, I've learned that marriage is the best teacher of all. It teaches you loyalty, forbearance, meekness, self-restraint, forgiveness and a great many other qualities you wouldn't have needed if you'd stayed single!"

[SmokeyBob]

One afternoon a young bank teller met her aunt downtown for lunch.

During the meal, the older woman asked her niece to deposit her paycheck at the bank where the girl worked. She told her aunt she would be happy to, however on her way back to work, the girl’s purse was snatched.

“Help, help,” she screamed at a passing cop. “That man has taken my aunt’s pay-he’s taken my aunt’s pay!”

“OK, lady,” said the cop. “Cut out the pig latin and tell me exactly what happened.”

[SmokeyBob]

A farm boy accidentally overturned his wagonload of corn. The farmer who lived nearby heard the noise and rushed right over.

“Hey Willis!!” the farmer yelled. “Forget it for now. It’s dinnertime. Come eat with us, and then we’ll come back and I will help you turn the wagon back up.”

“That’s mighty nice of you, ” Willis answered, “but I don’t think Pa would like me to.”

“Aw, come on,” the farmer insisted, “you have to eat! We’ll get back to the wagon soon.”

“Well okay,” the boy finally agreed, and added, “But Pa won’t like it.”

After a hearty dinner, Willis thanked his host. “I feel a lot better now, but I know Pa is going to be real upset.”

“Don’t be foolish.” the neighbor said with a smile. “By the way, where is your Pa?”

“Under the wagon.”