Humor of the Day

Things that don't fit anywhere else...

Re: Humor of the Day

Postby SmokeyBob » Thu May 21, 2015 8:43 pm

It was mealtime during our trip on a small airline in the Northwest.

"Would you like dinner?" the flight attendant asked the man seated in front of me.

"What are my choices?" he asked.

"Yes or no," she replied.
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Re: Humor of the Day

Postby SmokeyBob » Mon May 25, 2015 9:03 am

A young naval student was being put through the paces by an old sea-captain. "What would you do if a sudden storm sprang up on the starboard?"

"Throw out an anchor, sir."

"What would you do if another storm sprang up aft?"

"Throw out another anchor, sir."

"And if another terrific storm sprang up forward, what would you do?"

"Throw out another anchor."

"Hold on," said the Captain, "where are you getting all your anchors from?"

"From the same place you're getting your storms, sir."
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Re: Humor of the Day

Postby SmokeyBob » Mon May 25, 2015 9:29 am

A private just out of training is assigned to guard the main gate.

He is ordered to allow no one through unless they have the password.

A vehicle with a 3-star general inside rolls up. The private stops the vehicle and asks the driver for the password.

The driver doesn't know the password. The private, after saluting the general, asks him the for the password. The general doesn't know it either.

The private says, “I can’t let you through without the password.”

The general replies, “Son I'm the commander of this base and a 3-star general!”

The private says, “Sir, I still can’t let you pass.

The general tells the driver to drive on through.

The private then says to the general, “Sir I'm real new to this. Do I shoot you or the driver?”
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Re: Humor of the Day

Postby SmokeyBob » Thu May 28, 2015 9:29 am

The strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workmen. After several minutes, one older worker had had enough.

"Why don't you put your money where your mouth is," he said. "I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won't be able to wheel back."

"You're on, old man," the braggart replied.

"Let's see what you got." The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles.

Then, nodding to the young man, he said, "All right. Get in."
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Re: Humor of the Day

Postby SmokeyBob » Thu May 28, 2015 9:32 am

The old man had died. A wonderful funeral was in progress and the country preacher talked at length of the good traits of the deceased. What an honest man he was, what a loving husband and kind father he had been.

The widow, meanwhile was ever so slightly shaking her head, as she intently listened to the preacher's words.

Finally, the widow leaned over and whispered to one of her children, "Erica, honey, go on up there and take a look in the coffin and see if that's your pa in there."
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Re: Humor of the Day

Postby SmokeyBob » Thu May 28, 2015 9:41 am

Ron and John were building a house. John was on a ladder, nailing. He'd reach into his nail pouch, pull out a nail, look at it, and either toss it over his shoulder or proceed to nail it into the wood.

Ron couldn't stand it any longer and yelled, "Why are you throwing some of the nails away?"

John explained, "When I pull it out of my nail pouch. If it's pointed toward me, I throw it away. If it's pointed toward the house, then I can use it!"

Ron replied, "Don't throw away the nails that are pointed toward you! They're for the other side of the house."
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Re: Humor of the Day

Postby SmokeyBob » Fri May 29, 2015 9:59 am

I had moved to South Carolina from New York and at that time, a vehicle inspection was required to register my car.

I was nervous. My car was in rough shape. I thought of New York State's rigorous inspections. Any number of problems might turn up that would be expensive to fix.

I drove down a country road and found a garage that had an inspection sign. When I told the mechanic what I needed, he circled the car, turned on the lights and honked the horn.

Then he attached a new sticker and asked me for the three dollar fee.

I was shocked.

"Is that all you have to do"? I asked.

He answered, "Well, you drove it here, didn't you"?
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Re: Humor of the Day

Postby SmokeyBob » Mon Jun 01, 2015 11:05 pm

Many years ago I had stopped in bring my girlfriend some pizza while she was babysitting.

We received a call that her grandmother had been taken to the hospital, so I agreed to watch the children, so she could meet her family at the hospital.

Well, the parents were at a movie and these were the days before cell phones, so I couldn’t get in touch with them. I thought I was doing pretty well, though. At bedtime I sent the kids upstairs to bed and settled down to watch some TV.

One child kept creeping down the stairs, but I just kept sending him back to bed.

At 9 pm the doorbell rang, it was the next-door neighbor, asking whether her son was there.

I said, “No.”

Just then a little head appeared over the banister and shouted, "I'm here, Mom, but he won't let me go home!"
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Re: Humor of the Day

Postby SmokeyBob » Mon Jun 01, 2015 11:06 pm

I was getting ready for a tag sale one summer day. Since it was so humid out, I decided to stay inside my air-conditioned house and mark the special stickers I had bought for the sale.

Then I slapped them on my blouse, ran outside, stuck them on the appropriate items and rushed back inside.

I did this until every item was labeled.

Later that day a UPS man came by the house with a delivery. I noticed that as I was signing for the package, he seemed ill at ease.

It was only after he left that I noticed there was one sticker still attached to the front of my blouse. It read “Make me an offer.”
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Re: Humor of the Day

Postby SmokeyBob » Tue Jun 02, 2015 10:22 am

For her summer job, my 18-year-old daughter arranged interviews at several day-care centers.

At one meeting, she sat down on one of the kiddie seats, no simple task for most people.

The interview went well, and at the end, the day-care center director asked the standard question, "Can you give me one good reason we should hire you?"

"Because I fit in the chairs."
She got the job.
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Re: Humor of the Day

Postby SmokeyBob » Wed Jun 03, 2015 10:47 am

Teddy came thundering down the stairs, much to his father's annoyance.

"Teddy,' he called, 'how many more times have I got to tell you to come down the stairs quietly? Now, go back up and come down like a civilised human being."

There was a silence, and Teddy reappeared in the front room.

"That's better," said his father. "Now will you always come down stairs like that?"

"Suits me," said Teddy. "I slid down the bannister."
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Re: Humor of the Day

Postby SmokeyBob » Wed Jun 03, 2015 10:48 am

A four-year-old boy and his father went to the beach. There was a dead seagull lying on the sand. The boy asked his father, "Dad, what happened to the birdie?"

His dad told him, "Son, the bird died and went to heaven."

Then the boy asked, '"And God threw him back down?"
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Re: Humor of the Day

Postby SmokeyBob » Thu Jun 04, 2015 9:38 am

A 60-year-old man went to a doctor for a check-up. The doctor told him, "You're in terrific shape. There's nothing wrong with you. Why, you might live forever; you have the body of a 35-year-old. By the way, how old was your father when he died?"

The 60-year-old responded, "Did I say he was dead?"

The doctor was surprised and asked, "How old is he and is he very active?"

The 60-year-old responded, "Well, he is 82 years old and he still goes skiing three times a season and surfing three times a week during the summer."

The doctor couldn't believe it. So, he asked, "Well, how old was your grandfather when he died?"

The 60-year-old responded again, "Did I say he was dead?"

The doctor was astonished. He said, "You mean to tell me you are 60 years old and both your father and your grandfather are alive? Is your grandfather very active?"

The 60-year-old said, "He goes skiing at least once a season and surfing once a week during the summer. Not only that," said the patient, "my grandfather is 106 years old, and next week he is getting married again."

The doctor said, "At 106-years, why on earth would your grandfather want to get married?"

His patient looked up at the doctor and said, "Did I say he wanted to?"
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Re: Humor of the Day

Postby SmokeyBob » Thu Jun 04, 2015 9:39 am

The summer after college graduation, I was living at home, fishing in the daytime, spending nights with my friends—generally just hanging out. One afternoon my grandfather, who never went to college, stopped by.

Concerned with how I was spending my time, he asked about my future plans. I told him I was in no hurry to tie myself down to a career.

“Well,” he replied, “you better start thinking about it. You’ll be thirty before you know it.”

“But I’m closer to twenty than to thirty,” I protested. “I won’t be thirty for eight more years.”

“I see,” he said, smiling. “And when will you be twenty again?”
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Re: Humor of the Day

Postby SmokeyBob » Fri Jun 05, 2015 11:31 am

A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.

The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee."

The husband said, "You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."

Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee."

Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me."

So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says:
"HEBREWS"
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