Humor of the Day

[cracker39]

....I have had to clean my monitor several times over these jokes, but before the PC crowd starts filling my in box let us remember to be the sensitive folks that we are(yeah right) and try to keep them ethnic neutral.............please
madjack(still laughing)

I have to agree with you Jack, we could get in trouble. These jokes about animals with missing limbs will have the SPCA down on us...

[cracker39]

So, this will make up for it.

A man was driving down a rural road about 50 mph and something passed him on the shoulder of the road, going so fast all he could see was a cloud of dust. The dust trail turned up a farm road. The man was curious, so he followed the dust trail and came to a farm house.

He saw the farmer on the porch and asked him what the heck passed him on the road and turned in here. The farmer said "oh, that was one of my chickens".

"How does a chicken run so fast", the man asked.

The farmer replied "When we uns eat chicken, my wife and two kids all like the drumstick, so I bred them to have 3 legs, and with the extra leg, they can all run 70 mph".

The man then asked "well, how do they taste?"

The farmer replied " I dunno, we ain't caught one yet".

[Guy]

Hey Madjack, the funny thing about your last post about the PC Crowd fillin' your box is that YOU ARE THE PC CROWD. You are the ADMINISTRATOR who posted about not having ANY political/religious/sex items..

[TonyCooper]

The farmer replied " I dunno, we ain't caught one yet".

[madjack]

Hey Madjack, the funny thing about your last post about the PC Crowd fillin' your box is that YOU ARE THE PC CROWD. You are the ADMINISTRATOR who posted about not having ANY political/religious/sex items..

...that wasn't about PC, that was about heading knife fights off at the pass............
madjack

[Guy]

You are correct Madjack, sorta, since buddists probably would not start a knife fight over their monks or themselves being the object of puns.

Should we do a bunch of different religious puns and find out which followers of which religions would actually get into knife fights over religious puns?
That would be more than an evening's worth entertainment. Some of the agnostics and atheists on this board would blowup their computers from all the spit up on their keyboards.

[TonyCooper]

Monday Humor of the Day

These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from them, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that only Hugh can prevent florist friars.

[toypusher]

BAD!, BAD!, BAD! LMAO

[Boodro]

Know where you find a dog with no legs ??

Right where ya left him!

Bad me ! Bad me!

[TonyCooper]

Where does Dragons milk come from?


Cows with short legs!

[Guy]

15 Reasons Why God Never Received Tenure at an American University


1. He had only one major publication
2. It was not in English
3. It had no footnotes or references
4. It was not published in a peer review journal
5. Some even doubted that He wrote it Himself.
6. It may be true that He created the world, but what has He done since then?
7. The scientific community cannot replicate His results.
8. He never applied to the Ethics Board for permission to use human subjects.
9. When one experiment went awry, He covered it up by drowning the subjects.
10. When subjects did not behave as predicted, He often punished them.
11. He rarely came to class and just told students to read the book.
12. He has his son teach the class.
13. He expelled His first two students for learning too much.
14. Although there were only ten requirements, most students failed His tests.
15. His office hours were infrequent, and usually held on a mountain top.

[s4son]

Kind of long.

The local church runs an ad for a Bell Ringer. A couple days later there is a knock on the door. The Priest answers and standing there is a man with no arms.
"I'm here to apply for the Bell Ringers job," the man says.
"But how can you be a Bell Ringer without arms?" asks the Priest.
"I use my head," replies the man. "Take me to the bell tower and I'll prove it."
They go to the belfry and the man begins to play. It is the most beautiful sound the Priest has ever heard. But before the Priest can offer the man the job, he slips and falls to his death.
The Priest runs to the street where a crowd has gathered. "I didn't get a chance to ask his name, does anyone know this man?" asks the Priest.
"I'm not sure" replies the Butcher, "but his face rings a bell."

But wait there's more.

A couple weeks later there's a knock on the door, the Priest answers.
"I am the Bell Ringers brother and I have come for the job," the man says, "I am a better bell ringer than my brother."
So the Priest takes him to the belfry and the man plays the bells beautifully. Tragically, this man also falls to his death. The Priest runs to the street.
"I didn't get a chance to ask his name, does anyone know this man?" asks the Priest.
"No," replies the Butcher, "but he's a dead ringer for his brother."

[Guy]

21 Actual Announcements Taken From Church Bulletins
Richard Lederer

1. Don't let worry kill you -- let the church help.
2. Thursday night - Potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow.
3. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.
4. For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
5. The rosebud on the alter this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer.
6. This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.
7. Tuesday at 4:00 PM there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early.
8. Wednesday, the ladies Liturgy Society will meet. Mrs. Jones will sing, "Put me in My Little Bed" accompanied by the pastor.
9. Thursday at 5:00 P.M. there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All wishing to become little mothers, please see the minister in his study.
10. This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the alter.
11. The service will close with "Little Drops of Water." One of the ladies will start quietly and the rest of the congregation will join in.
12. Next Sunday a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet will come forward and do so.
13. The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind and they may be seen in the church basement Friday.
14. A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
15. At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.
16. The preacher will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing, "Break Forth With Joy."
17. Today...Christian Youth Fellowship House Sexuality Course, 8 p.m. Please park in the rear parking lot for this activity.
18. During the absence of our pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when A. B. Doe supplied our pulpit.
19. The Rev. Adams spoke briefly, much to the delight of his audience.
20. The church is glad to have with us today as our guest minister the Rev. Shirley Green who has Mrs. Green with him. After the service we request that all remain in the sanctuary for the Hanging of the Greens.
21. The `eighth graders' will be presenting Shakespeare's "Hamlet" in the church basement on Friday at 7 p.m. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

[TonyCooper]

Tuesday Humor of the Day

A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

[DestinDave]

Three strings are standing outside a bar and they decide a cold beer would be real nice. The first string walks in, goes up to the bar, and asks for 3 beers. The bartender says "we don't serve strings in here". The string goes back and tells his friends what happened. The second string gets mad and declares he'll go get the beers. He walks in, walks up to the bar, and says "I want 3 beers - to go". The bartender tells him "I told your buddy we don't serve strings here, now get out before I throw ya out!" The second string walks out dejected. The third string thinks about it a minute, then starts twisting himself around, looping one end around the other, then through the middle. Then he starts flailing away at the sidewalk until he's a tattered mess, fibers sticking out everywhere. He walks into the bar, saunters up to the bartender, and orders 3 beers to go. "Sure thing pal", the bartender says and starts pouring them. Then he slowly turns around and looks supsiciously and asks "Say, aren't you one of them strings?" "Nope", replies the string, "I'm afraid not".

My wife's favorite joke of all time....