Humor of the Day

[SmokeyBob]

While making rounds, a doctor points out an X-ray to a group of medical students.

"As you can see," she says, "the patient limps because his left fibula and tibia are radically arched.

Michael, what would you do in a case like this"?

"Well," ponders the student, "I suppose I'd limp too."

[SmokeyBob]

Mowing the Lawn

There was a small town nestled in a valley that was powered by a dam. One day, the dam broke and flooded the valley. Naturally, everyone headed for higher ground. Once they all arrived, they began scanning the area for people or animals who needed help.

After a few hours of looking, it seemed that they were all safe, but then they could see a little straw hat bobbing downstream about 50 yards and then bobbing back upstream 50 yards. It then moved to the side and bobbed downstream and then back upstream and it kept repeating this.

Nobody could figure out why the hat was behaving so strangely. After they pondered this for awhile, a young boy recalled his granddad saying that come hell or high water, he was going to get the lawn mowed!

[SmokeyBob]

A surgeon goes to return some books he borrowed from the library. The librarian quips after checking the books.

"Sir, your books are always returned with the last page missing in every single book."

The surgeon replies, "I can't stop myself from removing an appendix whenever I see one."

[SmokeyBob]

A sixtyish woman whose husband was overly attentive to the young ladies at a party explained to a neighbor: "He's like a puppy running after cars. He doesn't want to catch one - he just wants to bark at them a little."

[SmokeyBob]

Two little boys, ages eight and 10, are excessively mischievous. They are always getting into trouble and their parents know all about it. If any mischief occurs in their town, the two boys are probably involved.

The boys' mother heard that a preacher in town has been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The preacher agreed, but he asked to see them individually.

So, the mother sent the eight-year-old first, in the morning, with the older boy to see the preacher in the afternoon. The preacher, a huge man with a deep booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, "Do you know where God is, son"?

The boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there wide-eyed and his mouth hanging open. So, the preacher repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God"?

Again, the boy made no attempt to answer The preacher raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "Where is God"?

The boy screamed and bolted from the room. He ran directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him.

When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, "What happened"?

The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, "We are in big trouble this time. "God is missing and they think we did it!"

[SmokeyBob]

Torrential rainstorms were knocking down power lines all over town. That meant, as a customer service representative for the electric company, I was dispatching repairmen right and left.

When one lineman called a customer to get her exact address, he was told, "I'm at Post Office Box 99."

The weary lineman replied, "Ma'am, I'll be coming to you in a truck, not an envelope."

[SmokeyBob]

A man entered a pet shop, wanting to buy a parrot. The shop owner pointed out three identical parrots on a perch and said, "The parrot to the left costs 500 dollars."

"Why does that parrot cost so much?" the man wondered.

The owner replied, "Well, it knows how to use a computer."

The man asked about the next parrot on the perch.

"That one costs 1,000 dollars because it can do everything the other parrot can do, plus it knows how to use the UNIX operating system." Naturally, the startled customer asked about the third parrot.

"That one costs 2,000 dollars."

"And what does that one do?" the man asked.

The owner replied, "To be honest, I've never seen him do a thing, but the other two call him boss!"

[SmokeyBob]

Mrs. Applebee, the 6th grade teacher, posed the following problem to one of her arithmetic classes:

"A wealthy man dies and leaves ten million dollars. One-fifth is to go to his wife, one-fifth is to go to his son, one-sixth to his butler, and the rest to charity. Now, what does each get?"

After a very long silence in the classroom, Little Morris raised his hand.

The teacher called on Little Morris for his answer.

With complete sincerity in his voice, Little Morris answered, "A lawyer!"

[mcspin50]

Costco Doctor

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I'd better see a doctor." 
"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies.
"There's a diagnostic computer down at Costco. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars. A lot cheaper than a doctor."

So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Costco.

He deposits ten dollars and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.

Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:

"You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks. Thank you for shopping at Costco!"

That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled.

He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample from himself for good measure.

Joe hurries back to Costco, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.

The computer prints the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9) 
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7) 
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.

Thank you for shopping at Costco!

[planovet]

A guy goes into the post office to apply for a job.

The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"

He replies, "Yes, caffeine. I can't drink coffee."

"Ok, Have you ever been in the military service?"

"Yes," he says, "I was in Iraq for one tour."

The interviewer says, "That will give you 5 extra points toward
employment." Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"

The guy says, "Yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both my testicles."

The interviewer grimaces and then says, "Okay. You've got enough points
for me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00
pm. You can start tomorrow at 10:00 am, and plan on starting at 10:00 am
every day."

The guy is puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00
PM, why don't you want me here until 10:00 am?"

"This is a government job", the interviewer says. "For the first two
hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No
point in you coming in for that."

[SmokeyBob]

Both sides of our family turned out for my wife's college graduation. After the dean finished awarding all of the diplomas, he requested, "Will all the cum laudes please stand up?"

My mother-in-law leaned over and whispered, "Wow! The Cum Laude family sure has a lot of kids!"

[jstrubberg]

The Dalai Lama walks into a pizza shop and asks...

"Can you make me one with everything?"

[Shug]

Then the pizza guy says to the Dalai lama 6.50 please. Dalai lama gives him 10 bucks. Pizza guy takes it. Dalai lama says What about the change? Pizza guy says 'change comes from within'....

[SmokeyBob]

A very zealous soul-winning young preacher recently came upon a farmer working in his field. Being concerned about the farmer's soul, the preacher asked the man, "Are you laboring in the vineyard of the Lord, my good man"?

Not even looking at the preacher and continuing his work, the farmer replied, "Naw, these are soybeans."

"You don't understand," said the preacher. "Are you a Christian"?

With the same amount of interest as his previous answer, the farmer said, "Nope my name is Jones. You must be looking for Jim Christian. He lives a mile south of here."

The young, determined preacher tried again asking the farmer, "Are you lost"?

"Naw! I've lived here all my life," answered the farmer.

"Are you prepared for the resurrection"? the frustrated preacher asked.

This caught the farmer's attention and he asked, "When is it gonna be"?

Thinking he had accomplished something, the young preacher replied, "It could be today, tomorrow or the next day."

Taking a handkerchief from his back pocket and wiping his brow, the farmer remarked, "Well, don't mention it to my wife. She don't get out much and she'll wanna go all three days."

[SmokeyBob]

Pauly got a job as a casket salesman in the local funeral home. He's talking to an older guy who came in to plan his funeral for "one of these days."

"Now, sir," says Pauly, "I think you'll want this model. It's a beautiful piece of equipment and a steal at $4,000."

"No," said the old guy. "That's really too much for a casket. How much is this one right here?"

"Oh," said Pauly, "it's the bottom of the line and is just $1,000."

"I think I'd like that one," said the old guy.

"Wait just a minute, sir. This casket is very narrow. You just lie down in here and try to spread your elbows!"