Humor of the Day

Things that don't fit anywhere else...

Re: Humor of the Day

Postby SmokeyBob » Mon Jul 20, 2015 11:27 pm

A helicopter was flying around above Seattle yesterday when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communication equipment. Due to the clouds and haze the pilot could not determine his position or course to steer to the airport. The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, drew a handwritten sign and held it in the helicopter's window. The sign said "WHERE AM I?" in large letters.

People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign and held it in a building window. Their sign said, "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER." The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map and determined the course to steer to SEATAC (Seattle/Tacoma) airport and landed safely.

After they were on the ground, the co-pilot asked the pilot how the "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER" sign helped determine their position.

The pilot responded, "I knew that had to be the MICROSOFT building because they gave me a technically correct but completely useless reply.
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Re: Humor of the Day

Postby Retroguy » Tue Jul 21, 2015 7:31 am

I have little interest in tear drop trailers :crazy:
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Re: Humor of the Day

Postby SmokeyBob » Wed Jul 22, 2015 11:19 am

A priest walked into a barber shop in Washington, D.C. After he got his haircut, he asked how much it would be. The barber said, "No charge. I consider it a service to the Lord." The next morning, the barber came to work and there were 12 prayer books and a thank you note from the priest in front of the door.

Later that day, a police officer came in and got his hair cut. He then asked how much it was. The barber said, "No charge. I consider it a service to the community." The next morning, he came to work and there were a dozen donuts and a thank you note from the police officer.

Then, a Senator came in and got a haircut. When he was done he asked how much it was. The barber said, "No charge. I consider it a service to the country." The next morning, the barber came to work and there were 12 Senators in front of the door.
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Re: Humor of the Day

Postby SmokeyBob » Fri Jul 24, 2015 8:33 am

Facebook is like...
Facebook is like a fridge. Even when u know there's nothing new going on, u still go on & check it every 10 minute.
Facebook is like jail. You have a profile picture, you sit around all day writing on walls, and you get poked by guys you don't really know!
Facebook is like a college dorm. Regardless of the hour, somebody's up...also, somebody is drunk.
Being Popular on Facebook is like sitting at the pool table in the cafeteria at a mental hospital.
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Re: Humor of the Day

Postby SmokeyBob » Fri Jul 24, 2015 8:35 am

Questions For the Internet Age

• If an anonymous comment goes unread, is it still irritating?

• What is the sound of no hands texting?

• If nobody likes your selfie, what is the value of the self?

• To see a man’s true face, look to the 
photos he hasn’t posted.
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Re: Humor of the Day

Postby SmokeyBob » Sun Jul 26, 2015 10:44 am

Fay Chester was a busy housewife with a demanding husband, six children and a large house. The only relief she got from her chores was the twice-a-week bridge game she shared with a dozen other women. The only flaw in the bridge club relationship was that Fay loved to tell off-color stories and the girls didn't want to hear them.

To teach Fay a lesson, the other women decided that the next time she told an off-color story, they'd just get up, walk out, meet at another home but without Fay.

Sure enough, at the next meeting, Fay started, "You know, girls, there's a rumor going around that a busload of prostitutes will be leaving in the morning for that big gold find up in Alaska, and they say...." Just then, the women all stood up and started for the door. Fay was disconcerted but only for a moment, then she understood what was going on and said, "Hey! Girls! Hold on, hold on! There's plenty of time 'cause the bus doesn't leave till morning!"
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Re: Humor of the Day

Postby SmokeyBob » Fri Jul 31, 2015 8:09 am

Tech Expert

I’m at the library, and for some reason, when I plug my flash drive into the computer, it doesn’t show up.

I keep trying, but nothing happens.

As an IT major, I know I can figure this out. So I spend 15 minutes changing settings and inserting and removing the flash drive.

Then a girl sitting next to me taps my shoulder and says, “You’re plugging into my computer, not yours.”
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Re: Humor of the Day

Postby SmokeyBob » Wed Aug 05, 2015 11:42 am

A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep.

Pretty soon all the other bats smelt the blood and began hassling him about where he got it.

He told them to go way ! And let him get some sleep, but they persisted until he finally gave in.

"OK, follow me," he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him.

Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a forest of trees.

Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him.

"Now, do you see that tree over there?" he asked.
"Yes, Yes, Yes!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy.
"Good!" said the first bat, "Because I didn't!"
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Re: Humor of the Day

Postby SmokeyBob » Mon Aug 10, 2015 5:11 pm

A football coach of an all Redneck team walked into the locker room before a game, looked over to his star player and said, "I'm not supposed to let you play since you failed math, but we need you in there. So what I have to do is ask you a math question, and if you get it right, you can play."

The player agreed, and the coach looked into his eyes intently and asks, "Okay, now concentrate... what is two plus two?"

The player thought for a moment and then he answered, "Four?"

"Four?!?" the coach exclaimed, excited that he got it right.

At that, all the other players on the team began screaming, "Come on coach, give him another chance!"
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Re: Humor of the Day

Postby Redneck Teepee » Tue Aug 25, 2015 12:58 pm

True Friendship Among Golfing Buddies







This guy brings his best golf buddy home, unannounced, for dinner at 6:30, after golf. His wife screams her head off while his friend sits open mouthed and listens to the tirade.



"My bloody hair & makeup are not done, the house is a ****** mess, the dishes aren't done. Can't you see I'm still in my ****** pajamas and I can't be bothered with cooking tonight! Why the *** did you bring him home unannounced you stupid idiot?" "Because he's thinking of getting married." :lol: :lol: :lol:
I fear the day that technology will surpass our human interaction, the world will have a generation of idiot's.
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Re: Humor of the Day

Postby SmokeyBob » Thu Aug 27, 2015 6:23 pm

One day God and Adam were walking in the garden. God told Adam it was time to populate the earth.

He told Adam, "Adam, you can start by kissing Eve." Adam replied "God, what is a kiss?"

God told Adam and Adam went and took Eve behind the bush and kissed her. A little while later, Adam came back out with a big smile and said "Wow Lord! That was great!! What next?"

God said, "Adam, I now want you to caress Eve." Adam says, "Lord what is a caress?" God explained it to Adam and he again took her behind the bush.

A little while later, he came out and said "Lord that was even better than a kiss! What next." God said, "Here is what gets the deed done. I now want you to take Eve and make love to her."

Adam said "Lord, what is to make love?" God explained and Adam took Eve behind the bush and a few seconds later came out and said "Lord, what is a headache?"
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Re: Humor of the Day

Postby SmokeyBob » Fri Aug 28, 2015 11:02 am

My family has a tradition of naming the cruise control on our cars. We were used to hearing my father proclaim, "Take it, Max," as he flipped on the cruise control during long trips in our station wagon.

Recently, I was traveling with my parents in their new car when we hit a wide-open expanse of highway. My dad leaned back and said, "I think I’ll let Tom drive for a while."

"Tom who?" I asked.

My mother translated for me: "Tom Cruise, of course."
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Re: Humor of the Day

Postby SmokeyBob » Fri Sep 18, 2015 8:59 am

Paging Lucille

Years ago, before cellphones, back when pagers were big, I worked in the customer service call center of a national pager company. I dealt with the usual complaints regarding poor pager operation, as well as the occasional loony caller demanding to be paged less often, more often, or by more interesting people.

A good call came from a guy, who repeatedly complained that he keeps being paged by 'Lucille.'

I told him he would have to call her and tell her to stop paging him.

"She never leaves a number, so I can't call her back," he said.

After three calls, I asked how he knew it was Lucille if she didn't leave a number.

"She leaves her name," he insisted.

After establishing that the customer had a numeric-only pager, the light bulb came on.

"How does she spell her name?"

"L-O-W C-E-L-L," he said.

I explained that it was time to change the battery. Yet another technical problem solved!
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Re: Humor of the Day

Postby SmokeyBob » Fri Oct 02, 2015 9:35 am

The Password

I was in a couple’s home trying to fix their Internet connection. 


The husband called out to his wife 
in the other room for the computer password.

“Start with a capital S, then 123,” she shouted back.

We tried S123 several times, but 
it didn’t work.

So we called the wife in.

As she input the password, she muttered, “I really don’t know what’s so difficult about typing Start123.”

The Limp

An old man limped into the doctor's office and said, "Doctor, my knee hurts so bad, I can hardly walk!"

The doctor slowly eyed him from head to toe, paused and then said, "Sir, how old are you?"

"I'm 98," the man announced proudly.

The doctor just sighed, and looked at him again. Finally he said, "Sir, I'm sorry. I mean, just look at you. You are almost one hundred years old, and you're complaining that your knee hurts? Well, what did you expect?"

The old man said, "Well, my other knee is 98 years old too, and it doesn't hurt!"
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Re: Humor of the Day

Postby SmokeyBob » Fri Oct 16, 2015 9:45 am

Three Cleveland Fans

Cleveland Browns Fans were lamenting the state of their season so far.

The first fan blamed...: "I blame the manager; if we could sign better players, we'd be a great club."

The second fan blamed...: "I blame the players; if they made more effort, I'm sure we would score more touchdowns."

The third fan blamed...: "I blame my parents; if I had been born in a different town, I'd be supporting a decent team."

Funny Money
Borrow money from pessimists, they don’t expect it back.

Living on earth may be expensive, but it includes an annual free trip around the sun.

The market is weird.
Every time one guy sells, another one buys,
and they both think they’re smart.

What’s another name for long term investment?
A failed short term investment!

A study of economics usually reveals that the best time to buy anything was last year.

An economist is an expert
who will know tomorrow
why the things he predicted yesterday
didn’t happen today.

Why did God create stock analysts?
In order to make weather forecasters look good.
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