Humor of the Day

Things that don't fit anywhere else...

Re: Humor of the Day

Postby VijayGupta » Sat Oct 17, 2015 1:42 pm

An Irishman walks into a bar in Chicago and says to the barkeeper, "I'll have a wee dram of Irish Whiskey. And another just like it." Every time he re-orders, he asks for the same thing.

This goes on every day for several weeks and finally the barkeeper asks, "What's up with you always ordering two whiskeys at the same time. Why don't you just get a double?"

The Irishman says, "Oh, me brother is back on the old sod, and when I came to America, we agreed that every day after work, we'd have a drink to toast each other's health."

The bartender responded that that was a nice thought and every day, the Irishman came in and asked for two drinks at a time.

One day, the Irishman just orders one whiskey. The bartender was concerned and asked, "Is everything OK with your brother?"

"Oh sure," the Irishman answered, "but I saw my doctor yesterday and he told me I needed to stop drinking."
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Re: Humor of the Day

Postby SmokeyBob » Fri Dec 04, 2015 10:08 am

A group of 20-year-old girlfriends discussed where they should
go for dinner. They agreed on the Ocean View Restaurant
because the food was cheap and the waiters were cute.

Ten years later, the same group of 30-year-old friends talked
about where they should meet for dinner. Finally, they agreed
to meet at the Ocean View Restaurant because they had lots of
brands of beer on tap, free snacks, a good band, no cover and
there were always lots of good-looking guys.

Ten years later, at 40 years old, the group once again debated
where to meet for dinner. They settled on the Ocean View
Restaurant because the cosmos were good, it was close to the
gym and if they went late enough, there wouldn't be too many
whiny little kids.

Ten years later the 50-year-old freinds emailed each other
about where they should meet for dinner. Finally, they arranged
to meet at the Ocean View Restaurant because the martinis were
big and the waiters had tight pants and nice buns.

Ten years later, at 60 years of age, the group IM'd about
meeting for dinner. They decided on the Ocean View Restaurant
because the food there was good, the wine list was decent, they
had windows that open in case of a hot flash, and fish is good
for your cholesterol.

Ten years later, the 70-year-old friends Tweeted about where
to meet for dinner. They settled on the Ocean View Restaurant
because lighting was good and they had an early bird special.

Ten years later, at 80 years old, the group discussed on
Facebook about where they should meet for dinner. They decided
to get together at the Ocean View Restaurant because the food
wasn't too spicy and the restaurant is handicapped accessible.

Ten years later, the 90-year-old group got together at the
nursing home to talk about going out for dinner. They agreed
that they should have the van take them to the Ocean View
Restaurant because they had never been there before.
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Re: Humor of the Day

Postby SmokeyBob » Fri Dec 04, 2015 10:10 am

The Merger

Marriott reached a $12 billion deal to buy Starwood Hotels
and Resorts, which now makes Marriott the world's biggest
hotel chain. At first the deal only cost $9 billion, but
when they celebrated with a tiny bottle of champagne from
the minibar, that made it $12 billion.
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Re: Humor of the Day

Postby Gold5one » Wed Dec 16, 2015 6:48 pm

Most people have one of two kinds of hair- parted or unparted- regretfully I have the third kind= it's called, departed hair!
It went and departed before I was 30 years old. :o
"the slow road has the most adventure"
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Re: Humor of the Day

Postby SmokeyBob » Fri Jan 01, 2016 10:58 am

New Year's Prayers

God, grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway,

The good fortune to run into the ones that I do,

And the eyesight to tell the difference.

Dear Lord

So far this year I've done well.

I haven't gossiped, I haven't lost my temper, I haven't been greedy, grumpy, nasty, selfish, or overindulgent. I'm very thankful for that. But in a few minutes, Lord, I'm going to get out of bed, and from then on I'm probably going to need a lot more help.

Amen
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Re: Humor of the Day

Postby Dave Gray » Mon Feb 01, 2016 10:00 pm

Wife comes into the room, says "what's on the TV?" I don't know, looks like dust. :twisted: :x
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Re: Humor of the Day

Postby SmokeyBob » Fri Feb 05, 2016 11:01 am

A guy took his girlfriend to her first football game. Afterward, he asked her how she liked the game.

“I liked it, but I couldn’t understand why they were killing each other for 25 cents,” she said.

“What do you mean?” he asked.

“Well, everyone kept yelling, ‘Get the quarter back!'”
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Re: Humor of the Day

Postby SmokeyBob » Fri Feb 05, 2016 11:03 am

Help Wanted Ads Translated

Energetic self-starter: You'll be working on commission

Entry level position: Minimum wage. Or less, if we can
get away with it

Experience required: Our staff doesn't know the first
thing about any of this

Fast learner: No training

Flexible work hours: Lots and lots of mandatory overtime

Good organizational skills: File clerk

Make an investment in your future: Pyramid scheme

Management training position: Sales position. Expect to
travel. A lot.

Much client contact: Cold calling

Must have reliable transportation: breaking speed limits
is mandatory

Must be able to lift 50 pounds: No health insurance

Opportunity of a lifetime: You will not find a lower
salary for so much work

Planning and coordination: You book the bosses' travel
arrangements

Problem solver: Project is months behind schedule already

Strong communication skills: Writing documentation, or
"boiler room" call center. Or both.
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Re: Humor of the Day

Postby SmokeyBob » Fri Feb 12, 2016 10:47 am

I was standing in front of the bathroom mirror one evening admiring my reflection.

I posed this question to my wife of 30 years: “Will you still love me when I’m old, fat, and balding?”

She answered, “I do.” :eyebrows2:
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Re: Humor of the Day

Postby SmokeyBob » Fri Mar 11, 2016 8:46 am

A ventriloquist is telling Irish jokes in a pub, when an irate Irishman stands up.

"You're making out we're all dumb and stupid. I oughta punch you in the nose."

"I'm sorry sir. I..."

"Not you," says the Irishman. "I'm talking to that little fella on your knee." :beer:
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Re: Humor of the Day

Postby SmokeyBob » Fri Mar 11, 2016 8:48 am

An Irishman was flustered not being able to find a parking space in a large mall's parking lot.

"Lord,"he prayed,"I can't stand this.If you open a space up for me,I swear I'll give up drinking me whiskey, and I promise to go to church every Sunday."

Suddenly, the clouds parted and the sun shone on an empty parking spot. Without hesitation, the man said,"Never mind,I found one."
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Re: Humor of the Day

Postby SmokeyBob » Fri Apr 01, 2016 10:26 pm

At a recent software engineering management course in the US, the participants were given an awkward question to answer. "If you had just boarded an airliner and discovered that your team of programmers had been responsible for the flight control software how many of you would disembark immediately?"

Among the ensuing forest of raised hands, only one man sat motionless. When asked what he would do, he replied that he would be quite content to stay onboard.

With his team's software, he said, the plane was unlikely to even taxi as far as the runway, let alone take off.
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Re: Humor of the Day

Postby SmokeyBob » Fri Apr 01, 2016 10:29 pm

A man on his Harley was riding along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, God said, "Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."

The biker pulled over and said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want."

God replied, "Your request is materialistic; think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind."

The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, "God, I wish that I, and all men, could understand women. I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, why she snaps and complains when I try to help, and how I can make a woman truly happy."

God replied - "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"
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Re: Humor of the Day

Postby SmokeyBob » Fri Apr 22, 2016 9:11 am

The Oldest Profession

A doctor, a civil engineer and a programmer are discussing whose profession is the oldest.

“Surely medicine is the oldest profession,” says the doctor. “God took a rib from Adam and created Eve and if this isn’t medicine I’ll be…”

The civil engineer breaks in: “But before that He created the heavens and the earth from chaos. Now that’s civil engineering to me.”

The programmer thinks a bit and then says: “And who do you think created chaos?”
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Re: Humor of the Day

Postby SmokeyBob » Fri Apr 29, 2016 10:06 am

The Apple

Three farmers are talking about their apple crop.

The first one says, "I grew an apple so big, when I put it on a chair, the chair broke."

The second one says, "I grew an even bigger apple. When I put it on a table, the table broke."

The third one says, "I grew a pretty big one, too. I put it in a wagon."

The first farmer asks, "Did it break?"

The farmer answers, "No, a worm got out of it and ate the horse!"
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