Dad Jokes

[Tom&Shelly]

Just watched a table saw safety video and learned a person is hurt using the table saw every 9 minutes.

We really need to find that person and make him watch the safety video!

Tom

[rjgimp]

Ol’ Roy Rogers had a birthday coming up. His wife, Dale Evans, decided for his birthday she was going to give him a fine new pair of cowboy boots. So, she hired the best bootmaker and demanded the finest leathers and sturdiest stitching that could be found. The resulting boots were the most magnificent any cowboy had ever laid eyes on.

On Roy’s birthday, Dale made her grand presentation of the boots. Ol’ Roy was so excited at receiving such fine boots, he donned the boots, hopped on Trigger, and rode off into the mountains to try them out. Sometime later, Dale saw Roy dragging himself back onto the ranch completely frazzled and torn, and to her horror, she noticed that the fine new boots had been chewed to shreds.

“Oh, Roy,” Dale cried. “What happened to you?”

Barely able to speak, Roy struggled to reply, “Well, I was out in the mountains when a big cat jumped out of nowhere and took me down. The boots’ leather was evidently so new that it attracted the cat’s attention and he ripped into them while they were still on my feet.”

Dale was so irate that she grabbed her gun, jumped on her horse, and tore off into the mountains. In not too much time, Dale returned to the ranch dragging the carcass of a large cat behind…

♪ “Pardon me, Roy. Is this the cat that chewed your new shoes?” ♫

[rjgimp]

The word “incorrectly” is spelled incorrectly in every dictionary.

[Tom&Shelly]

During World War 2, soldiers overseas often had their letters censored and were not allowed to tell their families where they were. My grandfather worked out a simple code with his younger brother though, and they agreed he would change his middle initial in each letter to, as it happened, T.U.N.I.S.

The letters arrived out of order, and my family spent weeks trying to figure out the location of Nutsi.

Tom

[Tom&Shelly]

I bought Shelly a particular brand of dark chocolate for Valentine's day. I also bought some white chocolate of the same brand because I secretly remember she doesn't like white chocolate She tells me dark chocolate is actually very healthy.

On the back of the packages, there is a picture of a guy and a statement saying the chocolates were created by the company's "Master Chocolatiers with passion and love for chocolate since 1845". Gotta say, the guy doesn't look that old--those dark chocolates really must be healthy!

Tom

[Tom&Shelly]

Just got a warning from our insurance company: If our tent is stolen at night, we won't be covered!

Tom

[Tom&Shelly]

What's the difference between George Washington and a duck?

George Washington has his face on a bill...

If Abraham Lincoln were alive today, what would he be famous for?

How old he is!

Tom

[Tom&Shelly]

A liberal arts professor began his career by experimenting with LSD and other hallucinogens. However, for some reason he did an about face at one point and became a vocal and famous advocate of the anti-drug movement. Only problem, he was still hooked and occasionally would fall off the wagon and slip away into the ample woodlands around his campus and "drop acid" (or whatever the hep cats are saying these days). He reasoned it was morally okay as long as there were no people around who would catch him and tell.

But this still bothered him, and while under the influence one day, and forgetting a few obvious aspects of reality--as liberal arts professors are wont to do--he granted there were no people who could give him away, but what about the other life forms: If a philosopher trips in the forest, and the trees are around to hear him fall, do they make a sound?

Tom

[rjgimp]

Never trust a train.
They have loco motives.

[rjgimp]

People who sing together in a group often want to eat the same food.

It's an a-choir-ed taste.

[rjgimp]

After just a few hours of searching, the detectives were able to determine the murder weapon.
It was a brief case.

[Tom&Shelly]

We tried to visit a museum this morning, but realized there was a problem when we noticed the staff parking was empty and there was a sign on the door. Sure enough, every single employee was out sick!

No danger to the public though: It's a staff infection.

Tom

[Tom&Shelly]

Up near Santa Fe there is a road called Whispering Spirit Trail. Houses there sell for much more now than they did before the road was renamed; from Shreaking Tortured Souls Highway.

Tom

[DJ Davis]

Up near Santa Fe there is a road called Whispering Spirit Trail. Houses there sell for much more now than they did before the road was renamed; from Shreaking Tortured Souls Highway.

Tom

That should be "Shrieking..."

[Tom&Shelly]

Up near Santa Fe there is a road called Whispering Spirit Trail. Houses there sell for much more now than they did before the road was renamed; from Shreaking Tortured Souls Highway.

Tom

That should be "Shrieking..."

Sorry! Hard to concentrate on spelling with all the noise!



Tom