Dad Jokes

[Tom&Shelly]

Ol’ Roy Rogers had a birthday coming up. His wife, Dale Evans, decided for his birthday she was going to give him a fine new pair of cowboy boots. So, she hired the best bootmaker and demanded the finest leathers and sturdiest stitching that could be found. The resulting boots were the most magnificent any cowboy had ever laid eyes on.

On Roy’s birthday, Dale made her grand presentation of the boots. Ol’ Roy was so excited at receiving such fine boots, he donned the boots, hopped on Trigger, and rode off into the mountains to try them out. Sometime later, Dale saw Roy dragging himself back onto the ranch completely frazzled and torn, and to her horror, she noticed that the fine new boots had been chewed to shreds.

“Oh, Roy,” Dale cried. “What happened to you?”

Barely able to speak, Roy struggled to reply, “Well, I was out in the mountains when a big cat jumped out of nowhere and took me down. The boots’ leather was evidently so new that it attracted the cat’s attention and he ripped into them while they were still on my feet.”

Dale was so irate that she grabbed her gun, jumped on her horse, and tore off into the mountains. In not too much time, Dale returned to the ranch dragging the carcass of a large cat behind…

♪ “Pardon me, Roy. Is this the cat that chewed your new shoes?” ♫

♪ Yes, Yes! That's the dang lion,
Boy, he loved those boots' shine! ♫

If Trigger were hurt in the encounter, would they have taken him to a horsepital?

Tom

[Tom&Shelly]

Tom

[Tom&Shelly]

The barber who lives down the street was just arrested for dealing drugs.

I was his customer for six years and I never knew he was a barber!

Tom

[rjgimp]

We went to a Chinese restaurant last night and got to chatting with the old Chinese waiter. He told us he lived in Japan during WW2 and was a Kamikaze pilot for the Japanese, his code name was 'Chow Mein'.
I said, "Correct me if I'm wrong, but didn't Kamikaze pilots sacrifice their own lives?"
To which he replied, "Yes, but I was Chicken Chow Mein."

[Tom&Shelly]

Tony the Tiger was terrified!

He heard there was a cereal killer in town.

Tom

[rjgimp]

When my kids are sad I often let them draw on my upper arms. Sometimes they just need a shoulder to crayon.

[Tom&Shelly]

Gotta say, I'm just a little annoyed with Pope Gregory for sticking leap day in the middle of Winter.

As if those of us who cut our own firewood didn't have a long enough season already!

Tom

[Tom&Shelly]

When folks ask me when my birthday is, I tell them it's February 36.

If they look confused (and sometimes they don't!), I laugh and say, "But seriously, months used to be longer. Augustus Ceaser was jealous of Julius who had a month named after him, so he took a few days from each month and created August."

"I told him it was a bad idea, but I was only a junior member of the Senate in those days..."

Tom

[rjgimp]

My neighbor suggested putting cow manure on my strawberries. I tried it and I have to say I'm not impressed. I've decided to go back to using whipped cream.

[rjgimp]

I’ve just learned a dull yet interesting fact.

Koi fish always travel in groups of four. If attacked Koi A, B and C will scatter, Leaving behind the D Koi.

[Tom&Shelly]

Ponce de Leon came upon a certain valley, far away from "civilization" and asked one of the locals if he knew the location of the fountain of youth. The indian scratched his chin and replied, "No, I've been drinking water from this valley for 500 years, and I've never heard of such a thing."

Tom

[rjgimp]

I know a man so good at making stir-fry he can do it with his eyes closed.

He woks by faith, not by sight.

[Tom&Shelly]

Say, did you folks ever notice that Girl Scout Cookie boxes have a reclosable flap, so you can save some for later?

No, neither did I.

Tom

[Tom&Shelly]

I think Shelly just left me because she says I'm too insecure.

Oh wait! No! She just pulled in with the groceries.

Tom

[Tom&Shelly]

Well, it's that time of year again folks. Time to move your clocks forward..er, wait a minute.. um... "Fall ahead, Spring back", no wait...

Well, when you get up in the morning, look at the clock on your phone, and change your other clocks to match!

Farmers hate daylight savings time because the extra hour of sunlight burns up the crops.

Tom