Dad Jokes

[Tom&Shelly]

Just saw an ad for a coffin.

That's the last thing I need!

Tom

[Tom&Shelly]

Migrant workers in San Diego are having a tough time of it. The parsley farms are garnishing their wages.

Tom

[Tom&Shelly]

A village was so small, the funeral parlor just had a single vehicle. It was a one hearse town.

It was black. One day it broke down and they had to borrow the white hearse from the next village. That was a hearse of a different color!

The village mechanic couldn't figure out the problem. He tried tapping on the cylinders, rapping on the carburetor, whacking the transmission...But he was just beating a dead hearse.

Sorry for making fun of such a somber subject. I was just hearsing around!

Tom

[Tom&Shelly]

Oh! Before the Black hearse died, the two villages used to race them.

I lost all my money betting on the dark hearse.

Tom

[DJ Davis]

I found an old history book in a bookstore that had a picture of Mount Rushmore before it was sculpted - it was unpresidented.

[Tom&Shelly]

Had a friend get drunk on Block & Tackle whisky.

One drink and you'll walk a block and tackle anything!

Borden Chantry

[Tom&Shelly]

There are three types of people: Those who can count, and those who can't.

Tom

[Tom&Shelly]

Shelly says she wants to replace the duvet in our teardrop with a quilt, because she says quilts are better than duvets.

I said she better watch making blanket statements like that.

Tom

[Tom&Shelly]

As an aspiring author, I'm proud to say I just finished my first book!

It was so much fun I plan to start reading another one tomorrow!

Tom

[Tom&Shelly]

As a teenager, I worked briefly for a septic pumping service. The owner drove the truck; I had to do the dirty work. I also had to get into the office first thing and start the ancient coffee maker.

It was a shi**y job, but it had its perks.

Tom

[rjgimp]

I was just mugged by six Dwarfs.

Not Happy.

[Tom&Shelly]

Scientists recently discovered an ancient race of humans who wandered for no apparent reason.

They're called Meanderthals.

Tom

[Tom&Shelly]

Just found a great recipe for mock turtle soup. Doesn't do me any good though.

Here in New Mexico all of the mock turtles were eaten by chupacabras.

Tom

[Tom&Shelly]

Before I retired, I only drank on days that ended with why.

Why, oh why, did the boss/co-worker/customer say/do that?!

Tom

[Tom&Shelly]

Shelly and I went for breakfast this morning at a particular restaurant because she likes the flavor of their locally made coffee. I say it's a matter of a pinion.

Tom