Humor of the Day

[SmokeyBob]

"It seems like all Alfred and I do any more is fight. I've been so upset, I've lost 20 pounds."

"Why don't you just leave him then?"

"Oh, no! Not until I've lost another five pounds."

[SmokeyBob]

We went to the movie the other night. I sat in an aisle seat as I usually do, because it feels a little roomier. Just as the feature was about to start, a baby boomer from the center of the row got up and started working her way out.

"Excuse me, sorry, oops, excuse me, pardon me, gotta hurry, oops, excuse me."

By the time she got to me, I was trying to look around her and I was a little impatient, so I said, "Couldn't you have done this a little earlier"?

"No!!" she said in a loud whisper. "The 'Turn Off Your Cell Phone, Please' message just flashed up on the screen and mine is out in the car."

[SmokeyBob]

A man in his 40s bought a new BMW and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up.

As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him.

"There's no way they can catch a BMW," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100 and then the reality of the situation hit him.

"What am I doing"? he thought and pulled over.

The cop came up to him, took his license without a word, examined it and the car.

"It's been a long day, this is the end of my shift and it's Friday the 13th. I don't feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go."

The guy thinks for a second and says, "Last week, my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid it was you and you were trying to give her back."

[SmokeyBob]

Daughter's First Date

Doug asks, "I know you're crazy about that little daughter of yours, Bill. What are you going to do when she starts to date?"

Bill says, "I figure I'll take the first young man aside, put my arm around his shoulder and pull him close to me so that only he can hear."

"Then I'll say, 'Do you see that sweet, little young lady? She's my only daughter and I love her very much. If you were thinking about touching, kissing or being physically affectionate to her in any way, just remember, I don't mind going back to prison.'"

[SmokeyBob]

The high school music director said to the cymbal player, "You're constantly coming in at the wrong time."

"My entry point gives a much better effect and I won't play it as written," the cymbal player said.

Later, the principal asked the music director, "Why did you kick that young musician out of the band?"

"It was a simple case of cymbal disobedience." I know, I couldn't help myself.

[SmokeyBob]

Two 90-year-old men, Moe and Joe, have been friends all of their lives. When it's clear that Joe is dying, Moe visits him everyday. One day, Moe says, "Joe, we both loved baseball all our lives and we played minor league ball together for so many years. Please do me one favor. When you get to Heaven, somehow, you must let me know if there's baseball there."

Joe looks up at Moe from his death bed," Moe, you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favor for you."

Shortly after that, Joe passes on.

At midnight, a couple of nights later, Moe is awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to him," Moe. Moe."

"Who is it"? asks Moe, sitting up suddenly. "Who is it"?

"Moe, it's me, Joe."

"You're not Joe. Joe just died."

"I'm telling you, it's me, Joe," insists the voice."

"Joe! Where are you"?

"In Heaven," replies Joe. "I have some really good news and a little bad news."

"Tell me the good news first," says Moe.

"The good news," Joe says "is that there's baseball in Heaven. Better yet, all of our old buddies who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we're all young again. Better still, it's always Spring time and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play baseball all we want and we never get tired."

"That's fantastic," says Moe. "It's beyond my wildest dreams! So, what's the bad news"?

"You're pitching Tuesday."

[SmokeyBob]

Just as she was celebrating her 80th birthday, Judy received a jury-duty notice. She called to remind the people at the clerk's office that she was exempt, because of her age.

"You need to come in and fill out the exemption forms," they said.

"I've already done that," she replied. "I did it last year."

"You have to do it every year," she was told.

"Why?" came the response. "Do you think I'm going to get younger?"

[planovet]

[planovet]

[SmokeyBob]

A nurse walks into a bank.

Preparing to write a check, she pulls a rectal thermometer out of her purse and tries to write with it.

She looks at the flabbergasted teller and, without missing beat, says, "Well, that's great. That's really great. Someone's got my pen."

[SmokeyBob]

An old hillbilly farmer had a wife who nagged him unmercifully. From morning until night (and sometimes later), she was always complaining about something. The only time he got any relief was when he was out plowing with his old mule. He tried to plow a lot.

One day, when he was out plowing, his wife brought him lunch in the field. He drove the old mule into the shade, sat down on a stump and began to eat his lunch. Immediately, his wife began harassing him again. Complain, nag, nag. It just went on and on.

All of a sudden, the old mule lashed out with both hind feet, caught her smack in the back of the head. It killed her dead on the spot.

At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed something rather odd when a woman mourner would approach the old farmer. He would listen for a minute, then nod his head in agreement, but when a man mourner approached him, he would listen for a minute, then shake his head in disagreement. This was so consistent, the minister decided to ask the old farmer about it.

So, after the funeral, the minister spoke to the old farmer and asked him why he nodded his head and agreed with the women, but always shook his head and disagreed with all the men.

The old farmer said, "Well, the women would come up and say something about how nice my wife looked or how pretty her dress was, so I'd nod my head in agreement."

"And what about the men"? the minister asked.

"They wanted to know if the mule was for sale."

[SmokeyBob]

A very successful lawyer parked his brand-new Lexus in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he got out, a truck passed too close and completely tore off the door on the driver’s side. The lawyer immediately grabbed his cell phone, dialed 911, and within minutes a policeman pulled up.

Before the officer had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically. His Lexus, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter what the body shop did to it.

When the lawyer finally wound down from his ranting and raving, the officer shook his head in disgust and disbelief. “I can’t believe how materialistic you lawyers are,” he said. “You are so focused on your possessions that you don’t notice anything else.”

“How can you say such a thing?” asked the lawyer.

The cop replied, “Don’t you know that your left arm is missing from the elbow down? It must have been torn off when the truck hit you.”

“My God!” screamed the lawyer. “My Rolex! My Rolex!”.

[jstrubberg]

I failed the mandatory Health and Safety course at work today.

One of the questions was: "In the event of a fire, what steps would you take?"

"Damn big ones" was apparently the wrong answer.

[SmokeyBob]

You Know You're a Mom When...

- You automatically double knot everything you tie.

- You find yourself humming the Barney song as you do the dishes.

- You hear a baby cry in the grocery store and you start to gently sway back and forth, back and forth. However, your children are at school!

- You actually start to like the smell of strained carrots mixed with applesauce.

- You weep through the scene in Dumbo when his mom is taken away, not to mention what Bambi does to you.

- You get so into crafts that you contemplate writing a book called "101 Fun Crafts To Do With Dryer Lint and Eggshells."

- You spend a half hour searching for your sunglasses only to have your teenager say, "Mom, why don't you wear the ones you pushed up on your head"?

- You are out for a nice romantic meal with your husband, enjoying some real adult conversation, when suddenly you realize that you've reached over and started to cut up his steak.

[SmokeyBob]

Tom was in his early 50s, retired and started a second career. However, he just couldn't seem to get to work on time. Every day, he was five, 10, 15 minutes late. But, he was a good worker and real sharp, so the boss was in a quandary about how to deal with it.

Finally, one day he called Tom into his office for a talk.

"Tom, I have to tell you, I like your work ethic. You do a bang-up job, but your being late so often is quite bothersome."

"Yes, I know boss and I am working on it."

"Well good, you are a team player. That's what I like to hear. It's odd though, your coming in late. I know you're retired from the Air Force. What did they say if you came in late there"?

"They said, 'Good morning, General.'"