Dad Jokes

[Tom&Shelly]

Little brother and big sister: "Tell us a scary story Daddy!"

Dad: " Well, okay. This is the story about a king and his castle long ago, and a monster called Yellow Fingers, who lived in the moat. The monster wouldn't let anyone leave the castle, so the king decided it was necessary to slay that monster, and he sent out his knights. But Yellow Fingers was too tough, and ate all the knights.

So the king sent out his squires, and the squires did battle with Yellow Fingers, but the monster was too powerful, and ate them.

Finally in desparation, the king sent out his pages. And, somehow, the pages defeated the monster Yellow Fingers, and were able to leave the castle!

And the moral of the story is: Let your pages do the walking through the Yellow Fingers."

Little sister: "I don't get it."

Dad: "Well, this was a time long ago, before there were cell phones."

Little brother: "That is scary."

Dad: "And the telephone company would print a book, free to everyone, that had everyone's name, phone number, and address."

Little brother: "Aaaaahhhhhh!"

Little sister: "Yikes! That is so scary!"

 

[FischAutoTechGarten]

What do Jabba the Hutt and Winnie the Pooh have in common?

Same middle name...

 

[Tom&Shelly]

Saw a bill board on a freeway into Chicago this morning: "This is your sign that you shouldn't drive high".

We laughed so hard we spilled the bong!

Tom

 

[rjgimp]

Saw a bill board on a freeway into Chicago this morning: "This is your sign that you shouldn't drive high".

We laughed so hard we spilled the bong!

Tom

 

[rjgimp]

I am organizing the honey-do jar into categories and scheduling the various tasks.

It is my oughttobiography.

 

[rjgimp]

Saw my doctor today. He told me my sugar was too high, so I came home and moved the bag to a lower shelf.

 

[Tom&Shelly]

I am organizing the honey-do jar into categories and scheduling the various tasks.

It is my oughttobiography.

Shelly did that to my honey-do jar. Didn't even ask my permission!

It's the unauthorized oughttobiography!

Tom

 

[rjgimp]

I was recently reading my homeowner's insurance policy and was dismayed to realize that if someone takes my blanket in the middle of the night I will not be covered.

 

[Tom&Shelly]

Driving into the hilly eastern part of Ohio the other day, we saw the sign: "No Engine Brakes". But by golly if the driver of the truck next to us didn't prove them wrong!

Tom

 

[Tom&Shelly]

"What did you do this Summer Johnnie? " the teacher asked on the first day back to school.

"We spent the Summer camping at the dammed reservoir," Johnnie replied.

"Hurumph, we don't allow swearing in this classroom," the teacher responded.

"I didn't swear," Johnnie explained, "the Corp of Engineers built a dam to raise the lake level. It's a reservoir that's been dammed!"

"Well," said the teacher, "I guess that's okay."

"Damned straight!" Johnnie answered.

Tom

 

[rjgimp]

People sometimes ask where I obtained my very detailed tattoo.
Many are surprised when I tell them Spain.
Nobody expects the Spanish ink precision!

 

[DJ Davis]

People sometimes ask where I obtained my very detailed tattoo.
Many are surprised when I tell them Spain.
Nobody expects the Spanish ink precision!

 

[Tom&Shelly]

Cleaning out the house I grew up in, and found some Utica Club hidden in the basement. Been there 40 years, since friends and I stole it as a high school prank. Police never caught us. It's a cold case.

Tom

 

[DJ Davis]

Why does the Norwegian Navy have bar codes on the hulls of their ships? So when they come back into port they can Scandinavian.

 

[Tom&Shelly]

On a recent camping trip we bought a bag of greens from the Empire Foods store and ate half the first night, intending the other half for later. Then forgot about it until we unpacked the cooler at the trip's end. I wondered what we should do with the now wilted veggies. I remember it tasted so wonderful!

Sad to say, the answer was obvious: Lettuce bury the ceaser salad, not praise it. Alas, it is the decline and fall of the Empire romaine!

Tom

 

[Tom&Shelly]

A railroad conductor always wanted to be an engineer, so one night he steals a train and drives it down the tracks. He isn't very good (naturally) and so the train derails, causes a big mess, and kills some innocent people. He is promptly arrested, tried, and eventually sentenced to die in the electric chair. For his last meal he requests a banana, which he eats, and is then strapped down to the chair and the juice is turned on, but nothing happens. They are forced to let him go free.

He promptly steals another train, causes another derailment, and kills more people. Once again, he is arrested, tried, sentenced to death, and requests a banana for his last meal. Once again he is strapped in and the switch is thrown, but nothing happens. Again, he is freed.

Yet again, he steals a train, causes an accident and kills some more people. So again he is arrested, tried, convicted and sentenced to the electric chair. This time, the warden tells the guards that the man cannot have a banana for the last meal. The man requests a banana, but the guards instead give him steak, a baked potato, and peach cobbler for desert. The man is then strapped down and the switch is thrown, and again, nothing happens. The warden calls the guards into his office and asks if they gave him a banana. The guards say "no, he asked for a banana, but we didn't give it to him!"

Turns out, the banana had nothing to do with it. The man was just a very bad conductor.

Tom

 

[DJ Davis]

I have a friend who is very timid and has trouble making decisions. He called me the other day saying he's considering planting an apple tree, but just can't make up his mind to do it or not. I told him to grow a pear.

 

[Tom&Shelly]

Did you hear the joke about the baker who accidentally used salt instead of sugar in his sugar cookies? Well, I can't tell you about it here because it's poor taste.

Tom

 

[Tom&Shelly]

Did you know Taylor Swift was named after Albert Einstein? About 110 years after.

Tom

 

[DJ Davis]

If Satan ever lost his hair, there would be **** toupee.

Ba-dum-tssss... Hey...I don't write 'em, I just "appropriate" 'em....