Dad Jokes

[rjgimp]

Don't be angry with lazy people. They didn't do anything.

 

[Tom&Shelly]

There has been a coup in a small nation. The very lowest level of bureaucrats overthrew the totalitarian regime and hope to start a democracy. They named the new nation after themselves: The Notary Republic.

The US finally recognized the new government. Would have happened sooner, but the only ones qualified to witness the signatures had all been promoted.

Tom

 

[Tom&Shelly]

Here in Upstate NY, you never know who the real boss might be. A mechanic had a fleet contract for the garbage trucks in a small town, and thought he could pass off some defective tires. He signed off on the work, but the garbage company found out, and they have a long reach. The mechanic might have found himself at the bottem of the Susquehanna wearing cement goloshes, but they let him off easy.

He had to retire and resign, and then resign and retire.

Tom

 

[Tom&Shelly]

It was a royal screw up, but in a nearby country the new king's coronation was scheduled for the same day as the celebration for the soldiers back from the war. He reigned on their parade!

 

[DJ Davis]

I once lived just a stone's throw away from a family who all died from mysterious head injuries.

 

[DJ Davis]

A friend of mine worked at an Indian restaurant while he was in college. He said they were so protective of their flatbread recipe that he had to sign a naan-disclosure agreement.

 

[rjgimp]

Shepherds now use modern technology to keep track of their sheep.

They regularly check the baa codes.

 

[Tom&Shelly]

An experienced machinist suggested I make bushings for my first metal lathe project. Why bushings? Bushings make the world go around!

Tom

 

[rjgimp]

The best possible gift anyone could give is a broken drum.

No one can beat that.

 

[Tom&Shelly]

Shelly and I are currently living in a very old house and so plumbing issues are to be expected. In this case it's a running toilet. Fortunately, the toilet is 63 years old, so it doesn't run so fast we can't catch it.

Tom

 

[Tom&Shelly]

Maintaining old houses is expensive. Not only is there the electric and fuel oil bill, property and school taxes and insurance, but the cost of pressure washing the vinyl siding is high, repainting the trim is outrageous, and the chimney is through the roof!

Tom

 

[DJ Davis]

To the guy that invented the zero. Thanks for nuthin'.

 

[Tom&Shelly]

We have half a carton of store eggs and half a carton of farm fresh eggs, so I combined them into one carton to save room.

Told Shelly you could tell the difference because the white ones are slightly smaller than the brown ones.

Tom

 

[Tom&Shelly]

Many of my Dad Jokes are bad. The ones about German sausage are the wurst!

Tom

 

[DJ Davis]

Recently I was invited to join a secret society. I can't tell you how excited I am.

 

[rjgimp]

The only thing that flat earthers fear, is sphere itself.

 

[Tom&Shelly]

Years ago, I bought an apple, a banana, and two eggs at the grocery store. The checkout clerk said, "You must be single."

I said, "Wow, how did you know that?"

She said, "Because you're ugly!"

Tom

 

[Tom&Shelly]

Spent the morning dragging an old extension ladder around cleaning the 2nd floor windows on my folk's house. Same job I had when I was 15, but I'm much more careful now. I better appreciate the gravity of the situation!

Tom

 

[Tom&Shelly]

Shelly was out back repairing the windows and said she needed some glazing points.

I told her if she dipped a spoon in hot water first, it would flow right onto the pastries.

Tom

 

[DJ Davis]

What did one nut that was chasing another nut say to it?

"I'm a cashew!"