Dad Jokes

[Tom&Shelly]

The water table in these parts is about 90 feet down, and yet there is a well driller here who doesn't own any equipment other than a small garden spade.

He goes to the well site, digs a shallow hole, starts telling dad jokes, and in no time at all the hole is bored halfway to ****!

Tom

 

[DJ Davis]

This weekend I visited an aquarium. There was something fishy about the place, so I didn't stay too long.

 

[DJ Davis]

What happens when a battery commits a crime? It gets charged.

 

[Tom&Shelly]

A small village here in Upstate NY has a very dangerous intersection. They considered fixing it, but decided it was cheaper just to increase the size of their public cemetery.

They expanded it to the lawn around city hall. The creepy part is the sign they put out front: "Spaces available, inquire within".

Tom

 

[Tom&Shelly]

Friend of mine used to live in a house surrounded on three sides by a cemetery, but he had to move. Noisy neighbors kept him up all night!

Tom

 

[Tom&Shelly]

Mail was late today because the truck got lost. Shelly says you could tell it was a mail truck because a fe-mail truck would have stopped and asked directions!

Tom

 

[rjgimp]

I am very disappointed to find out that the new universal remote control I recently bought does not, in fact, control the universe.

 

[rjgimp]

Well, today sure has been strange. First I found a hat full of money and I was very happy and excited, but then I was chased by a very angry man with a guitar...

 

[Tom&Shelly]

Last week we hired a handyman to make repairs to Mom's house so we could put it up for sale.

We gave him a list, but he only did jobs 1, 3, 5, 7, and 9. Turns out he's an odd-jobs man.

Tom

 

[Tom&Shelly]

We're selling a house I painted 45 years ago and the inspector says it's a pealing. So I thanked him.

But he still wants us to repaint it.

Tom

 

[Tom&Shelly]

I came up with some dad jokes about heating registers. They're grate jokes, but they aren't very good.

Tom

 

[philpom]

Sometimes Bigfoot is confused with Sasquatch, Yeti never complains.

 

[Tom&Shelly]

Did you know that if you took all of the cable out of the Brooklyn Bridge, and laid it end-to-end, the bridge would fall down?

Tom

 

[Tom&Shelly]

A long forgotten manufacturing company these days, in emergencies World War II airmen counted on the reliability of Maxwell parachutes: "Good to the last drop!"

Tom

 

[Tom&Shelly]

Shelly and I take pre-packaged cake mixes along camping. We mix them with powdered eggs and bake in a dutch oven. I showed Shelly the instructions that say not to lick the mixing bowl. She said that was so one didn't get salmonella from the eggs and since we used powdered eggs it didn't apply.

"No", I insisted, it's still very important that you don't lick the mixing bowl!

"Why?" she asked.

"Because I want to lick it!"

Tom

 

[DJ Davis]

I typed in "Missing medieval servant" into my computer. It responded with "Page not found."

 

[Tom&Shelly]

Shelly is particular about the quality of the bandaids in our first aid kits. She made some painful cutting remarks about generic-brand plastic bandaids.

Tom

 

[Tom&Shelly]

I went into a magic forest to cut firewood. Found a likely victim, but it said "wait, I'm a talking tree!"

"Well," I replied, "you're going to dialogue!"

Tom

 

[rjgimp]

Where do bad rainbows go...? To PRISM!

It's a light sentence.

It gives them time to reflect...

 

[rjgimp]

My deer hunting spot is so secret the deer can't even find it!