Dad Jokes

[Tom&Shelly]

Can it be a Dad joke if it's actually true?

Somewhere in Southern Pennsylvania (or maybe Maryland or West Virginia) there is a sign in a cemetery: "Positively no digging without a permit"

What do you suppose necessitated that sign?

Does the permit have a check box: deposit or withdrawl?

Tom

 

[Tom&Shelly]

At a store in Tennessee the other day we overheard a dad threaten to take his mis-behaving kids to the Memphis Childrens Museum.....AND DONATE THEM!

Tom

 

[Tom&Shelly]

Evidently, I was totally wrong in my assumptions about where gas station coffee comes from....
 

Tom

 

[Tom&Shelly]

We're expecting a big snow storm here in New Mexico, so Shelly and I checked our supplies. We have a bottle of Taylor Port, and a bottle of Sandeman Fine Tawney Port, so we're okay. Any port in a storm!

Tom

 

[Tom&Shelly]

Just heard the Restore down in Albuquerque is going to start selling lumber! No piece over two feet long, because "We saw it first!"

Tom

 

[Tom&Shelly]

Just bought some tools from the guy next door. He always has low prices as long as you don't ask too many questions. A good fence makes a great neighbor!

Tom

 

[rjgimp]

The guy at the furniture store assured me the sofa would seat five people without any problems.

Then it occurred to me... I don't even know five people without any problems.

 

[Tom&Shelly]

I once dated a girl named Peg Board. She ended up marrying a real tool.

Red Green

 

[rjgimp]

I’m not raking my lawn this fall. I’ve decided to take the path of leaf resistance!

 

[Tom&Shelly]

Heard there was quite a debate at the Edgewood PTA meeting last night over whether the high school wood shop program should be reinstituted. Mr Woods had some solid points but Sanders wore him down.

Tom

 

[Tom&Shelly]

Just saw a technical report on the uses of dessicant in industry. It was dry reading.

Tom

 

[Tom&Shelly]

Our village is so small the doctor doubles as the town mechanic. We have a problem with rodents making nests and peeing in our Tundra's engine compartment. He diagnosed it as a UTI: Urinary Truck Infestation.

Tom

 

[Tom&Shelly]

Even the simplest invention sometimes takes many iterations to get right. Just ask the dedicated researchers who tried to clean their ears with A tips, B tips, C tips, D tips, E tips, F tips, G tips, H tips, I tips, J tips, K tips, L tips, M tips, N tips, O tips, and P tips!

Tom

 

[Ottsville]

Even the simplest invention sometimes takes many iterations to get right. Just ask the dedicated researchers who tried to clean their ears with A tips, B tips, C tips, D tips, E tips, F tips, G tips, H tips, I tips, J tips, K tips, L tips, M tips, N tips, O tips, and P tips!

Tom

Anybody who sticks P tips in their ears gets what they deserve!

 

[Tom&Shelly]

If we eat fondue with fondue forks, olives with olive forks, and lobster with lobster forks, shouldn't we eat tuna fish with tuning forks?

Tom

 

[Tom&Shelly]

Had an uncle who took the fork in the road. He needed something to eat road-kill.

Tom

 

[rjgimp]

An elderly couple decided it was time to take an overseas vacation and thought they’d visit Russia. So, the man called ahead and booked travel, their hotel, and tours. Upon their late-night arrival, they checked into their hotel and planned to start touring the magnificent land first thing in the morning.
On morning’s first light, the man jumped out of bed and excitedly drew back the blinds for his first glimpse of this new land. But to his dismay, he saw that it was precipitating outside. Frustrated, he dialed up their Russian tour guide, Rudolph, and explained that because of the sleet outside, they wouldn’t be able to start the tours that day.
Rudolph tried to calm the man saying, “Sir, it’s not a problem. It’s just a little rain.”
“It’s sleeting,” the man exclaimed. “We can’t go.”
“No, really sir,” Rudolph continued, “it’s really just a little bit of rain. It will be okay.”
The man nearly shouted, “I insist it’s sleeting! We can’t go!”
Thrusting the phone at his wife, he said, “Edna, tell the man it’s sleeting!”
Edna gently laid her hand on his arm and softly said, “No, Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear.”

 

[Tom&Shelly]

We're planning a Winter trip and I asked Shelly about camping in Southeast New Mexico, "where they're digging for oil".

"Boring," she said.

So we're going somewhere else.

Tom

 

[DJ Davis]

OK, officially not a "Dad joke," but a joke some Dad's might like:

I recently learned a kitchen/cooking tip: If the package of bacon has no way to seal the package until the next use, that means it's a single serving!

 

[Tom&Shelly]

OK, officially not a "Dad joke," but a joke some Dad's might like:

I recently learned a kitchen/cooking tip: If the package of bacon has no way to seal the package until the next use, that means it's a single serving!

Tom & Shelly