Dad Jokes

[Tom&Shelly]

Did you hear about the crook who ran down the avenue stealing plain hot dogs right off of the grills of the street vendors? Police went after him with relish!

Tom

 

[DJ Davis]

I'd never realized that cottage cheese isn't really cheese. It's just a curd to me.

 

[rjgimp]

Was it a car or a cat I saw?

Spelled backwards it still reads:

Was it a car or a cat I saw?

 

[Tom&Shelly]

Was it a car or a cat I saw?

Spelled backwards it still reads:

Was it a car or a cat I saw?

Wow

Tom

 

[Tom&Shelly]

What did Wayne say when he tried a soy milkshake?

"No whey Garth!"

Tom

 

[halfdome Danny]

I asked the lifeguard why he didn’t rescue that hippie.
He said he was way too far out.
Danny

 

[Tom&Shelly]

Just watched a documentary on early metalurgy.

Seems a big problem processing iron ore was the amount of sulfur in many deposits: Smelt terrible!

Tom

 

[DJ Davis]

I went to the zoo this weekend and saw a French baguette in a cage. The sign said it was bread in captivity.

 

[Tom&Shelly]

A man owns some lakefront property that he decides to sell. It is quite nice, with a boat dock on either side of his portion of the lake front, and of course he wants to measure the exact frontage to put in the listing.

So he and his wife use a long tape measure and find the distance between the ends of the docks is 50 feet. "That's strange", the man says, "I always thought it was a little longer than that." His wife points out the shore is a little uneven and suggests he should measure along it. So he takes a yardstick and measuring point to point long the shore he comes up with 58 feet. He is surprised at the difference and decides to check his measurement with a foot long ruler: 67 feet! So he checks again with a 6 inch machinist's ruler: 84 feet!

Perplexed, he goes to the realtor, tells him about the lake shore between the two boat docks, explains to the realtor how he measured the frontage, and asks which measurement he should use. "Wow," says the realtor, "what a pair a docks!"

Tom

 

[rjgimp]

I bought a Jeep. I named it Elizabeth Warren because it’s completely white but says it’s a Cherokee.

 

[DJ Davis]

Ah! It's working again!

For those of you that travel on cruise ships and really like desserts, here's some helpful info:

In the Cayman Islands, you can expect to pay about $1.35 for a slice of coconut cream pie. In Jamaica, you'll find Gizzada, a hand-held fried pie which has a soft buttery crust filled with creamed coconut for $1.25. In Haiti, there's coconut flan for $1.15. In Puerto Rico look for the local dessert called Cazuela, a fruit, nut, and coconut pie for around $1.40 a slice. In Aruba, ask for Tert de preimu at $1.20. In Barbados, another hand-held fried pie called Conkies for $1.20 each.

So, there. I give you the Pie Rates of the Carribean.

 

[rjgimp]

My wife asked me if I could clear the kitchen table.

After three tries and a running start, I finally made it!

 

[Tom&Shelly]

Dad was a cowboy who swore to Mom he'd never use a Colt.

She was partial to Smith & Wessons.

Tom

 

[Tom&Shelly]

For some unknown reason, these days no one seems to answer my friend's phone calls. What did Sam Likely ever do to them?

Tom

 

[rjgimp]

The steam shovel was a groundbreaking invention!

 

[DJ Davis]

"Lance" is an uncommon name nowadays, but in medieval times people were named Lance a lot.

 

[DJ Davis]

Heard at a crime scene:

Officer: The victims were dismembered and sacrificed on an alter made of antlers.

Detective: Dear God!

Officer: Most likely, Yes.

 

[DJ Davis]

My wife just confessed to me that she broke my favorite lamp. I don't think I'll be able to look at her in the same light ever again.

 

[DJ Davis]

Some things to think about if you ever decide to eat a clock. It's very time consuming, especially if you go for seconds.

 

[DJ Davis]

I once tried to "Walk like an Egyptian." I had to go to a Cairo practor.