Dad Jokes

[rjgimp]

After playing guitar, I thought I could learn to play piano.

It's not an easy instrument to pick up.

 

[Tom&Shelly]

Today I made one of the most momentous decisions a retired guy faces: Blueberry or cherry cheescake flavored ice cream?

I told Shelly I'm not even sure I can tell the difference. She says she can: Purple vs red stains on my T-shirts.

Tom

 

[DJ Davis]

What is the scariest plant in nature?

bam-BOO!

 

[Tom&Shelly]

Why didn't the Amish computer programmer drive his wagon to work?

It was a little buggy.

Tom

 

[DJ Davis]

Someone recently stole my glasses. But I'll find them...I have contacts.

 

[Tom&Shelly]

My dentist must think I'm a king! He gave me a crown. And then he charged me royally!

Tom

 

[DJ Davis]

I told my doctor I could only hear a buzzing noise. He said, "Don't worry...it's just a bug going around."

 

[Tom&Shelly]

Shelly and I just got back from a sports bar, and ESPN was showing the most amateurish college baseball game I've ever seen! Both teams were pitching underhand!

In other news, I'm getting new glasses on Monday!

Tom

 

[DJ Davis]

I read that the capital of Ireland's population is growing very fast. That's true. It's Dublin.

 

[Tom&Shelly]

Is it a Dad Joke if it is true? From my SPAM folder: "Burial Insurance" "Final expense with guaranteed issue, No medical exam".

I think I want a really good medical exam before they try and bury me!

Tom

 

[DJ Davis]

There are SO many scams on the internet nowadays. Send me $19.95 and I will tell you how to avoid them.

 

[Tom&Shelly]

I replaced the mattress in our teardrop with a trampoline. When Shelly found out she hit the roof!

Tom

 

[Tom&Shelly]

Our neighbor just adopted a magical dog. She's a Labracadabradour.

Tom

 

[DJ Davis]

What is the least favorite vegetable of plumbers?

Leeks.

 

[rjgimp]

I went fishing this morning, but after a short time, I ran out of worms.
Then, out of the corner of my eye, I saw a cottonmouth with a frog in his mouth.
"Frogs are good bass bait," I thought to myself.
Knowing the snake couldn't bite me with the frog in his mouth, I grabbed him right behind the head, took the frog, and put it in my bait bucket.
Just then, I realized I had a problem, how was I going to release the snake without getting bit?
So, I grabbed my bottle of Jack Daniel's and poured a little whiskey in its mouth. The snakes eyes rolled back and he went limp. I released him into the lake without incident and carried on fishing using the frog.
A little later, I felt a nudge at my foot.
There was that same snake with two more frogs in his mouth.
Life is good in the South.

 

[rjgimp]

Just had a detective knock on my door saying he was looking for a man with one eye.

I told him if he used both, he’d probably find the guy a lot quicker.

 

[DJ Davis]

A large hole was discovered in the wall of the police station this morning. Police are looking into it.

 

[Tom&Shelly]

Been camping with no internet for the past week or so, but I spent my evenings writing a farcical play about frozen cool aide. It's a real popsicle schtick!

 

[DJ Davis]

A man taking a walk fell into a well. When asked how it happened the man replied he couldn't see that well.

 

[DJ Davis]

Germany is now advising people to stock up on cheese and sausages. This is called the Wurst Kase scenario.