Dad Jokes

[rjgimp]

I decided to make sure my wife woke up with a big smile on her face this morning.

Now I’m not allowed to have Sharpies anymore.

 

[DJ Davis]

What do you call a man with a rubber toe?

Roberto.

 

[Tom&Shelly]

If Shelly shopped Price Chopper for Cherry Chocolate Chunk ice cream, how many quarts of Cherry Chocolate Chunk ice cream would be chilling in our cabin's commodious commercial cooler?

Not many, I can eat faster than I can talk.

Tom

 

[DJ Davis]

I want to start a new diet I heard about recently, but I feel like I have way too much on my plate right now.

 

[Tom&Shelly]

Friend of mine was in a bar last night complaining about his wife's cooking when she called him. Said if he wasn't home in ten minutes she would feed his dinner to the dog. Five minutes later, the dog walked into the bar...

Tom

 

[DJ Davis]

I ran out of toilet paper and started using old newspapers. The Times are rough.

 

[Tom&Shelly]

My New England ancestors all used Mason jars for canning. I suppose in the Deep South they used Dixon jars?

Tom

 

[rjgimp]

 

[rjgimp]

I'll do Trigonometry, I'll do Calculus, I'll even do Algebra...

...but Geometry is where I draw the line!

 

[DJ Davis]

When I go jogging in the mornings, I keep getting hit by the same bicycle. It's a vicious cycle.

 

[DJ Davis]

Read an interesting book this week. "Native American Weapons" by Tom A. Hawk with point comments by A. Rowhead.

 

[Tom&Shelly]

Just got our 2026 calender today. The 2025 calender's days are numbered!

Tom

 

[DJ Davis]

A friend of mine was bragging about his new hearing aid he just got. "State of the art! Cost me a fortune!" he said. I asked, "What type is it?" He looked at his watch and said, "Two-thirty."

 

[rjgimp]

 

[Tom&Shelly]

When the power company buys their poles from Home Depot.

Tom

 

[DJ Davis]

The wife told me to get six cans of Sprite while I was at the store. When I got home I realized I had picked 7 up.

 

[Tom&Shelly]

With Harbor Fraught improving the quality of their tools, Shelly and I sense a marketing opportunity: We want to start a tool company and name it after ourselves: TS Tools.

Finally, low quality tools made right here in the U.S.A! The "good", "better", "best" paradigm doesn't even begin to describe us.

Who needs a drop forge when we have a 3D printer!

We'll have a lifetime guarantee: Guaranteed for the life of the tool. If the tool breaks, that's TS.

Tom

 

[DJ Davis]

What do you call a paper airplane that doesn't move? Stationary.

 

[Tom&Shelly]

Just heard the news that a Russian long-distance runner defected! He convinced the authorities that he would set a record by running all the way across Russia. But he didn't stop until he crossed the Finnish line.

Tom

 

[DJ Davis]

Last night I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink. I went to the hospital and I'm still waiting to be seen.