Dad Jokes

[DJ Davis]

Scientists got tired of watching the world turn for 24 hours, so they called it a day.

 

[DJ Davis]

What if there were no "hypothetical questions"...?

 

[DJ Davis]

If you're American when you enter and leave a restroom, what are you while you're in the restroom?

Europeen

 

[DJ Davis]

Police are investigating a report that a man was struck by a violin, followed by a clarinet, then a French horn. Officials describe it as an orchestrated attack.

 

[DJ Davis]

Did you know...before there were crowbars, crows would simply drink at home.

 

[Tom&Shelly]

Someone once asked John D Rockefeller Sr.: If olive oil comes from olives, peanut oil comes from peanuts, and palm oil comes from palms, where does motor oil come from?

Rockefeller responded by buying land in Pennsylvania, investing in drilling and pumping equipment and developing a refining process that took the Pennsylvania crude and produced eleven profitable extracts, including gasoline, kerosene, fuel oil, gas oil, wax distillate and motor oil.

Just goes to show, you don't become a multi-millionaire by making Dad jokes!

Tom

 

[DJ Davis]

Remember when plastic surgery was considered to be kind of a taboo subject? Nowadays, when you mention Botox, no one raises an eyebrow.

 

[Tom&Shelly]

A construction worker around here brought his personal laptop to the job site, a violation of company policy and state law. Sure enough, it got hit by some hot tar, the battery caught fire and destroyed several vehicles.

He was charged with asphalt and battery!

Tom

 

[DJ Davis]

Me: Have you ever used a telescope before?
Friend: No. Never. Is it fun?
Me: Yeah, it's great! You should look into it.

 

[Tom&Shelly]

During World War II, so many abstract artists were drafted that they formed their own unit: The Avant Guard.

Tom

 

[KCStudly]

Would you like a brief explanation of what an acorn is?

In a nutshell it's an oak tree.

 

[DJ Davis]

No matter where you go, there you are.

 

[DJ Davis]

I decided to cross the DNA of a crab and a cheetah. Things went sideways really fast.

 

[KCStudly]

How much does Santa pay to park his sleigh? Nothing, It's on the house.

 

[DJ Davis]

There's a famous woman in the past that ate only plants. I bet you've never heard of herbivore.

 

[Tom&Shelly]

Then there was the weird side-show act where the man ate an entire Volkswagen.
He was a real car-nivore.

Tom

 

[DJ Davis]

Where do ducks go for breakfast?

Quacker Barrel

 

[Tom&Shelly]

Me: "I've heard that if you mix kitchen scraps and old broth in with their feed, your pigs will grow fatter."

Farmer: "Nah, that's just hogwash!"

Tom

 

[DJ Davis]

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

 

[Tom&Shelly]

Friend of mine joined an AC/DC cover band. The band changes the lyrics enough so they can play at venues with younger audiences without upsetting their parents.

They also claim that by taking out the bad words, they've changed the song enough they don't need to pay royalties and can't be sued. I don't know about that; I think they're on the highway to heck!

Tom