Dad Jokes

[Tom&Shelly]

Friend of mine back in college got a summer job as a counselor at a summer camp that advertised "extreme camping". It was in tents.

Tom

 

[DJ Davis]

How does a Daddy electron watch his baby electron?

He keeps an ion him.

 

[DJ Davis]

Why does my 10,000-year-old Himalayan sea salt have a "Best by" date on it...?

 

[DJ Davis]

This morning I was freshening up with my bottle of Axe Men's body spray and accidently sprayed some into my mouth. I now speak with an axe scent.

 

[DJ Davis]

I'm not broke. I'm pre-rich.

 

[DJ Davis]

I hired a local handyman and gave him a list of several jobs to do for me. He only did jobs 1, 3, and 5. It seems he works odd jobs.

 

[Tom&Shelly]

The ACLU is concerned about reports big city police departments are keeping lists of men riding bicycles near schools and playgrounds. They're looking for pedal files.

Tom

 

[Tom&Shelly]

Of course, the ACLU is also concerned about police keeping lists of speeders. They're looking for pedal to the metal files.

Tom

 

[Tom&Shelly]

Then there's the list of known bed-wetters: The piddle files.

And the list the post office keeps of homes with small dogs: The poodle files.

Tom

 

[Wandering Sagebrush]

How does a Daddy electron watch his baby electron?

He keeps an ion him.

Me: I think I’ve lost an electron.

They: How do you know, are you sure?

Me: I’m positive!

 

[DJ Davis]

In school the science class taught us about protons, neutrons, electrons, and ions. Huh...didn't mention the existence of morons.

 

[yayeric]

Knock Knock

Who's there?

Dishes

Dishes who?

(in a Scottish accent)
Dishes Sean Connery

 

[DJ Davis]

My friend's favorite movie quote is: "Arrrr, Luke, ye scurvy dawg! I be yer fatherrr!"

I think he got a pirated copy.

 

[DJ Davis]

What's blue but doesn't weigh much?

Light blue.

 

[Tom&Shelly]

We installed a new toilet last Fall. Instead of the traditional "John", I call it Jim.

People are impressed when I tell them I use the Jim every morning.

Tom

 

[DJ Davis]

Why should you wear glasses in math class?

It helps with division.

 

[Tom&Shelly]

The settlers and their guide were crossing the desert when they were attacked by a band of Indians. The Indians had them pinned down, but the guide sensed something was off, and so, during a pause in the fighting, he yelled over to the other side:

"Hey! You're wearing Apache clothing and headdresses, you're shooting Apache arrows, and you have on Apache war paint, but I know every Apache this side of the Galisteo, and ain't none of you them. What gives?"

"We're a tribute band!"

Tom

 

[DJ Davis]

Sure calling it "chicken gravy" is fine, but I think "roostershire sauce" would've been much better!

 

[DJ Davis]

Did you hear about the poor fellow who evaporated?

He will be mist.

 

[DJ Davis]

What do you call a group of rabbits walking backwards?

A receding hareline.