Dad Jokes

[DJ Davis]

I swear...these new fangled cars have too many gadgets on 'em! I just wanted to back up and it started showing me a video of someone getting run over!

 

[Tom&Shelly]

Lady in our neighborhood accidentally hit a cow with her Cadillac. The cow was stunned, but still alive. But the lady panicked and backed up, driving right over the cow, killing it. The second hit delivered the Coup de Ville.

Tom

 

[Tom&Shelly]

Shelly’s goal on our current teardrop camping adventure is to lose ten pounds.

8 from me and two from the dog.

Tom

 

[DJ Davis]

I once asked a girl out for a date, but she turned me down. She said I have a face like the back end of a boat. I didn't argue with her, I didn't get upset, but I did give her a very stern look.

 

[DJ Davis]

I have never opened the 'fridge after a terrible day and thought, "This calls for celery."

 

[DJ Davis]

Despite the high cost of living, it remains popular.

 

[DJ Davis]

People say, "Just be yourself." Like I haven't tried that already and traumatized everyone!

 

[DJ Davis]

All of my friends have been bugging me for months to go spelunking.

I finally caved.

 

[DJ Davis]

Man: Hi. I've forgotten what room I'm in.

Desk clerk: No problem, Sir. This is called "The Lobby."

 

[DJ Davis]

I was at a car dealer checking out the features of a new SUV. I asked the Sales Rep, "Cargo space?" He replied, "Car no do that. Car go road."

 

[Tom&Shelly]

Billboard somewhere on the Ontario corridor: We are above par in Real Estate and, unfortunately, golf.

Tom

 

[DJ Davis]

After worrying about how much my smartphone is spying on me, I just realized the vacuum has been gathering dirt for years!

 

[DJ Davis]

I told my friend 10 jokes to make him laugh. Sadly, no pun in ten did.

 

[DJ Davis]

They say whiskey doesn't solve any of your problems, but I'm willing to give it a shot!

 

[DJ Davis]

English is what happens when Vikings learn Latin and use it to shout at Germans, and then the French shout back.

 

[DJ Davis]

While doing his history homework, my son asked me what I knew about Galileo.

I said, "He's just a poor boy from a poor family."

 

[DJ Davis]

Dear Mother-in-law,

Stop telling me how to raise my kids. I live with one of yours, so I've seen your work.

 

[DJ Davis]

What's the name of a woman who burns her monthly bills?

Bernadette.

 

[DJ Davis]

"I before E, except after C" has been disproved by science.

 

[Tom&Shelly]

In Townsend Tennessee there is an ice cream place called Peaceful Side Creamery. If you put it in your navigation system, don’t confuse it with Peaceful Side Crematory. Different establishment entirely.

Tom