Dad Jokes

Things that don't fit anywhere else...

Re: Dad Jokes

Postby rjgimp » Sat Feb 03, 2024 12:23 pm

So I just read through the whole thread to see if there was a good one I hadn't yet stolen... ehhrr, "gleaned" for my farcebook page All Dad Jokes All The Time and am happy to report there appear to be no duplicates! There are two similar ones with the same "a reptile dysfunction" punchline but they each have a unique setup.

Well done! :applause: :applause: :applause:
-Rob


I hope to make it to a Procrastinators Anonymous meeting someday...
just as soon as the steering committee gets around to scheduling one!
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Re: Dad Jokes

Postby rjgimp » Sat Feb 03, 2024 12:26 pm

When I was little my parents would say "Please excuse my French" If they uttered a swear word.

I'll never forget my first day of school when the teacher asked if any of us knew any French words. :frightened:
-Rob


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Re: Dad Jokes

Postby Tom&Shelly » Sun Feb 04, 2024 12:46 pm

Why aren't kola bears real bears?

They don't meet the kolafications.

Tom
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Re: Dad Jokes

Postby rjgimp » Mon Feb 05, 2024 10:50 pm

After spending $500 on a limo, a guy discovered that a driver wasn't included. All that money and nothing to chauffeur it!
:cry: $>
-Rob


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Re: Dad Jokes

Postby DJ Davis » Tue Feb 06, 2024 10:38 am

Two unwritten rules of life:

1.

2.
DJ

They say "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger." I've noted that if it doesn't kill you, it waits patiently for another opportunity.
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Re: Dad Jokes

Postby bdosborn » Tue Feb 06, 2024 1:46 pm

I bought sneakers from a drug dealer.

I don't know what he laced them with but I can't stop tripping.

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Re: Dad Jokes

Postby rjgimp » Tue Feb 06, 2024 2:11 pm

I visited a monastery and as I walked past the kitchen I saw a man frying chips.
I asked, "Are you the Friar?"
He replied,"No, I'm the chip monk."
-Rob


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Re: Dad Jokes

Postby Tom&Shelly » Wed Feb 07, 2024 10:18 pm

When a mortuary owner's daughter got married, he was surprised that she and the groom, like most couples, held a practice wedding at the church the night before, so that the bridesmaids, groomsmen, and others participating in the wedding would know their roles in the actual ceremony. The mortuary owner thought it was a pretty good idea, and started holding practice funerals for his staff. Folks thought it was a crazy idea, probably with good reason, but sure enough, one day the lead car in the procession from church to cemetary wouldn't start, and they had to quickly move the cadaver from that vehicle to a backup. It was accomplished so quickly, most of the family didn't even know it happened.

Moral: It pays to re-hearse!

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Re: Dad Jokes

Postby Tom&Shelly » Thu Feb 08, 2024 6:52 pm

"[George, an Inuit] was especially fond of chocolate candy. He and his partner, an Indian of the same age called Big Charlie, found an old cache and there was some chocolate candy in it which they ate.

'You talk about trouble! They call that candy Ex-Lax.' "

Harmon Helmericks, author of The Last of The Bush Pilots
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Re: Dad Jokes

Postby bdosborn » Fri Feb 09, 2024 10:44 am

As the optician handed over my new glasses he said: "These are the special James Bond model".
I said: "Why James Bond?"
He said: “Because they're for your eyes only...."
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Re: Dad Jokes

Postby rjgimp » Fri Feb 09, 2024 10:55 am

I just asked myself if I’m going crazy. Everyone said no, so we’re good.
:crazy: :chicken: :lol:
-Rob


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Re: Dad Jokes

Postby Tom&Shelly » Fri Feb 09, 2024 9:31 pm

rjgimp wrote:I just asked myself if I’m going crazy. Everyone said no, so we’re good.
:crazy: :chicken: :lol:


Just checked over here. Three out of five ain't bad!

Tom :NC
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Re: Dad Jokes

Postby Tom&Shelly » Fri Feb 09, 2024 9:39 pm

A friend of mine is working on AI software for Emergency/Disaster (ED) response. Every hospital, police station, and emergency response vehicle in a county will get a unit, and all the units will communicate with each other. But the big gimmick is that the AI system will actually talk with the emergency responders, suggesting courses of action they might take in any situation. They even plan to install units with the county morgue and their vehicles, just in case.

Yep, it's ED, the talking hearse!

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Re: Dad Jokes

Postby Tom&Shelly » Fri Feb 09, 2024 10:12 pm

Great news! Just heard from my friend and the county is buying the ED system.

Only problem: ED the talking hearse's comments were a bit crypt-ic.

Tom
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Re: Dad Jokes

Postby Tom&Shelly » Sun Feb 11, 2024 9:16 am

We had a warm spell last week, but we've had a snowstorm this weekend, and this morning it's in the teens. Shelly says the poor animals must be confused.

I said they just blame it on coyote induced global warming. (They don't know it's humans.) :shhh:

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