Dad Jokes

[Tom&Shelly]

Shelly complained I don't do enough around the house. I said "what do you want me to do?" She handed me a block of cheddar and a cheese grater.

Behind every grate man is a woman!

Tom

[Tom&Shelly]

Behind every great man is a woman who is tired of his jokes.

Shelly

[DJ Davis]

Well, it's that time of year again folks. Time to move your clocks forward..er, wait a minute.. um... "Fall ahead, Spring back", no wait...

Well, when you get up in the morning, look at the clock on your phone, and change your other clocks to match!

Farmers hate daylight savings time because the extra hour of sunlight burns up the crops.

Tom

...and don't forget the dairy farmers! Their cows have an udder time system different from our own....

[Tom&Shelly]

I was checking out our teardrop this afternoon and found a leak in the propane line. As I tightened the connection, I recalled Tony's comparison (corrected by his expert) that propane is like water. Much more analogous to compressed nitrogen I thought, except propane is much, much less inert. In fact, it's downright ert. And if this thing blows up in my face, it'll 'ert like 'ell!

Tom

[Tom&Shelly]

If you hold an ermine up to your ear, you can hear what it's like to be attacked by an ermine.

I think the National Park Service may have us beat for Dad jokes:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GFB-YXxn_Es

Longer version

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=onXKOoC-Iuw

Tom

[bdosborn]

If you hold an ermine up to your ear, you can hear what it's like to be attacked by an ermine.

Yup, best Dad joke so far.
Bruce

[Tom&Shelly]

Shelly's makeup says it was tested on animals. They looked fabulous!

Tom

[rjgimp]

Ned “I hear you do a bad owl impression.”

Ted “What?”

Ned “Yeah, that is really horrible.”

[rjgimp]

If you see a burglary in progress at an Apple store, are you an iWitness?

[Tom&Shelly]

Me: Umm, you know it's a 30 mph limit on the road. Just sayen...

Shelly: (driving with tear at 60+) I'll bet no one goes just 30 on this road.

Me: (looking in rear view mirror) You may be right. That Texas State Trooper behind us with his lights on sure isn't!

Tom

[Tom&Shelly]

Shelly: You should turn on the galley light before brushing your teeth.

Me: Nah! What could possibly go wrong?



Tom

[Tom&Shelly]

Awhile ago I went into the hardware store to buy a bow saw. A well intentioned (I assume) woman came up and said that "when you trim your trees you should talk to them, in a soothing voice and tell them that it will only hurt for a moment, and that it is for their own good."

"Actually," I said, "I'm planning to cut firewood."

"Oh," she said, and pouted.

"But I only cut dead trees."

"Oh, that's okay then," she smiled.

"So, you see," I explained, "I wouldn't talk to them. Talking to dead trees would be crazy."

Tom

[Tom&Shelly]

OK, I got the idea at the Alamo, but don't know where to go with it from here...



Tom

[Tom&Shelly]

An auditor with the IRS called a Baptist minister one day and said "I'm reviewing the tax return of one of your members and he claims he donated $5000 to your church. Can you tell me if he really made that contribution?"

The minister replied: "I don't have my records in front of me, but if he didn't, he will!"

Tom

[Tom&Shelly]

Shelly (looking through the folder): "I'm not even sure some of these are Dad Jokes."

Me: "When does a joke become a Dad Joke?"

Shelly: "When the punchline becomes apparent."

Tom