Dad Jokes

[rjgimp]

The only thing that flat earthers fear, is sphere itself.

[Tom&Shelly]

Years ago, I bought an apple, a banana, and two eggs at the grocery store. The checkout clerk said, "You must be single."

I said, "Wow, how did you know that?"

She said, "Because you're ugly!"

Tom

[Tom&Shelly]

Spent the morning dragging an old extension ladder around cleaning the 2nd floor windows on my folk's house. Same job I had when I was 15, but I'm much more careful now. I better appreciate the gravity of the situation!

Tom

[Tom&Shelly]

Shelly was out back repairing the windows and said she needed some glazing points.

I told her if she dipped a spoon in hot water first, it would flow right onto the pastries.

Tom

[DJ Davis]

What did one nut that was chasing another nut say to it?

"I'm a cashew!"

[Tom&Shelly]

The water table in these parts is about 90 feet down, and yet there is a well driller here who doesn't own any equipment other than a small garden spade.

He goes to the well site, digs a shallow hole, starts telling dad jokes, and in no time at all the hole is bored halfway to hell!

Tom

[DJ Davis]

This weekend I visited an aquarium. There was something fishy about the place, so I didn't stay too long.

[DJ Davis]

What happens when a battery commits a crime? It gets charged.

[Tom&Shelly]

A small village here in Upstate NY has a very dangerous intersection. They considered fixing it, but decided it was cheaper just to increase the size of their public cemetery.

They expanded it to the lawn around city hall. The creepy part is the sign they put out front: "Spaces available, inquire within".

Tom

[Tom&Shelly]

Friend of mine used to live in a house surrounded on three sides by a cemetery, but he had to move. Noisy neighbors kept him up all night!

Tom

[Tom&Shelly]

Mail was late today because the truck got lost. Shelly says you could tell it was a mail truck because a fe-mail truck would have stopped and asked directions!

Tom

[rjgimp]

I am very disappointed to find out that the new universal remote control I recently bought does not, in fact, control the universe.

[rjgimp]

Well, today sure has been strange. First I found a hat full of money and I was very happy and excited, but then I was chased by a very angry man with a guitar...

[Tom&Shelly]

Last week we hired a handyman to make repairs to Mom's house so we could put it up for sale.

We gave him a list, but he only did jobs 1, 3, 5, 7, and 9. Turns out he's an odd-jobs man.

Tom

[Tom&Shelly]

We're selling a house I painted 45 years ago and the inspector says it's a pealing. So I thanked him.

But he still wants us to repaint it.

Tom