Tools and their uses.

[gman]

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat

metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and

flings your beer across the room.



WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under

the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and

hard-earned guitar calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you

to say, "Ouch...."



ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes

until you die of old age.



PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of

blood-blisters.



HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board

principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable

motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal

your future becomes.



VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to further round off bolt heads.

If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense

welding heat to the palm of your hand.



OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable

objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside

the wheel hub you want the bearing race out of.



WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and

motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or 1/2

socket you've been searching for the last 15 minutes.



HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after

you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly

under the bumper.



EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4: Used for levering an automobile upward

off of a trapped hydraulic jack handle.



TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters and wire wheel wires.



E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool ten times harder than any known

drill bit that snaps off in bolt holes you couldn't use anyway.



TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the tensile strength on

everything you forgot to disconnect.



CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large prybar that inexplicably has

an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle.



AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.



TROUBLE LIGHT: The home mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a

drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin,"

which is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits aside,

its main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate

that 105-mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few

hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is

somewhat misleading.



PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids

and for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on

your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out

Phillips screw heads.



AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning

power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that

travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty

bolts which were last over tightened 50 years ago by someone at Ford, and

neatly rounds off their heads.



PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or

bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.



HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses too short.


HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is

used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts not far

from the object we are trying to hit.



MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of

cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well

on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles,

collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts.

Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.



DAMMIT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage

while yelling "DAMMIT" at the top of your lungs. It is also the next tool

that you will need.



EXPLETIVE: A balm, also referred to as mechanic's lube, usually applied

verbally in hindsight, which somehow eases those pains and indignities

following our every deficiency in foresight

[madjack]

it's an oldie but still a damn good goldie..........................................

[Arne]

Here is a tip I'll pass along I've learned over the years. When you throw something, throw something that is unbreakable towards somthing that is either unbreakable or cheap to replace...... If you have to kick something, kick something that will not break your foot and that is either unbreakable or cheap to replace.

I've found that Rubbermaid step stools are breakable, the pieces are fairly easy to find on a driveway for cleanup, and they are not terribly expensive... I've also found out that smashing a plastic bottle of brandy down on a kitchen counter leads to very sticky walls...... but it does quiet the significant other down for a while.

[Laredo]

until i 'cause except for the air compressor been there done that.

AIR COMPRESSOR: tool used for driving brads and nails with tremendous force in the vicinity of unwary coworkers.

PUNCH: AKA cordless driver, used for nicking new slots in the tops of rounded-off, stripped-out or otherwise mutilated wood and machine screws.

Countersink bit: the only one you can find until you've scrambled around under the workbench, located the one you want, and stood up under the bench, countering your elation with the sinking sensation of an imminent concussion.

Hammer; device for locating thumb and/or fingertips in the vicinity of brads, nails, etc.

nd my favorite:

knife: all purpose tool for cutting, scraping, prying, unscrewing, unlocking, deburring, shortening, prizing, trimming, punching, and scarifying whatever's in your other hand at the moment. Note: this device WILL NOT open those vac-sealed plastic containers typically used by manufacturers to protect Leatherman tools, new CD/DVDs, or anything you got in the mail. For that, you need a grapefruit spoon. If you don't have a grapefruit spoon try a .45.

I've also found out that smashing a plastic bottle of brandy down on a kitchen counter leads to very sticky walls...... but it does quiet the significant other down for a while.

OOOOoooohhhhhhhh .... So does flinging a plastic-cased electric fan into the middle of the kitchen floor with sufficient force to result in an inadvertant dribble, followed by copious bleeding from the sliced hand. Sticky walls and all... made the kids shut up too. Last time I *ever* tried to clean a plastic fan.

a[/quote]

[kajamelu4]

Boys...boys... boys....

Instead of kicking something that has to be replaced, or throwing something that requires much cleaning of liquids afterwards......

stop at the next garage sale you see. Any and all of these sales will no doubt have misc. plates, mugs, cheap dishes of all varieties. Sometimes for only .05 to .25 cents. (Ceramics are easier to clean up than glass). Next time you need to let off a little steam, grab one out of your "mad" box. The noise and breakage will instantly lower your blood pressure, send any surrounding spouses and children running for cover, and will produce peace and quiet.


Take it from a mom.......the peace and quiet are worth it!


Karol

[Ira]

Gman, I laughed my a** off ! I never saw that list before.

[gman]

Thanks Ira, this list is not to be confused with the Murphy's Law List, such as "Any thing dropped while working on the car will roll to the absolute center of the vehical being worked on" or " bounce into the most unlikly spot you could think of" .

[Larry Messaros]

nd my favorite:

knife: all purpose tool for cutting, scraping, prying, unscrewing, unlocking, deburring, shortening, prizing, trimming, punching, and scarifying whatever's in your other hand at the moment.

The trick is to actually have something in your other hand. A few years ago at work, after just replacing the blade in my utility knife with a new one I was kneeling down in a van opening a box and lost my balance. Wouldn't you know it, the knife found my other hand, I found emergency and the doctor found the needle and thread!! The doctor thought it was great that the knife was sharp. I didn't agree

[Laredo]

Larry ..

Sharp knives leave much cleaner wounds.

(Says the veteran of "I've seen stuff hurt worse than that steak get well'' cuisine).

I have a scar where I was bitten by a cheese sandwich when I was a freshman in high school. Took 9 stitches to close. I got fascinated holding it under the sink tap, watching all the internal workings, waiting for the bleeding to quit. My mother fainted ... which she had NOT done, when I was in grade school, and my dad was cutting sheetrock with a Craftsman saw (not on a sawhorse) that went neatly through the big muscle in his thigh on its way to cutting its own power cord in half. I remember both those trips to the ER because Mom drove. Dad's car was a Studebaker Commander with a standard in it, and the ER was 16 twisty Missouri backroad miles away, but Dad didn't get stitches. Mom's car, about 8 years later, was the sweetest teal-green metallic 68 Satellite (showroom stock car ... talk about I'd like to have that one back!) in Texas ... there were exactly three corners between our house and the 18-mile distant ER. I sat for two dishtowels' worth of seeping blood waiting for the doc to get in 'cause it was his day off....

Dull blades make ragged, ugly, hard-to-fix wounds. Sharp blades make straight deep clean ones....

[Larry Messaros]

Larry ..

Dull blades make ragged, ugly, hard-to-fix wounds. Sharp blades make straight deep clean ones....

Yah, I hear you. Reading through some of your trips brought back memories of another incident much like yours, (but probably not as many corners). I was working at my cousins art business and I was using a larger cut off saw and my hand got a little too close. I ended up cutting through my tendon on the knuckle of my left index finger. That was certainly not a clean cut! 3 months later I was back to normal.

It's good to remember these incidents as sometimes I get a little too complacent and forget where my hands and fingers are!!

[Arne]

I was using a hole saw, the kind with replaceable saws... I spun off the spindle nut that held the saw blade on and it fell on the floor. I kind of took note of which direction it went in. I finished putting the spindle and saw blade in the box and went to find the nut..... which many of you know has a very unusual shape........ I recently bought a new hole saw kit..... never could find that stupid nut.... but, I put the old kit next to the right hand driving glove I still have, just in case....

[Laredo]

Murphy's here: http://www.murphys-laws.com/murphy/murphy-true.html

[angib]

such as "Any thing dropped while working on the car will roll to the absolute center of the vehical being worked on" or " bounce into the most unlikly spot you could think of" .

Yeah, but all you guys seem to have double garage palaces in which to work. For several years I ran a 1970 Morris Minor as a winter car - but I have only a cobbled back street behind my house in which to carry out minor maintenance like renewing suspensions, replacing engines, etc, etc.

'Cobbles' are small stones set in dirt:



Can you imagine trying to find anything smaller than a 1/2" bolt in that? Yes, of course, I spread an old sheet to catch dropped parts - but usually only after I had dropped an irreplacable part......

Andrew

[Laredo]

andrew,
Morris Minor -- isn't that the wooden one?
and do you get CBS-TV's show "NCIS" over there? One of the protagonists drives a Morris.

[cracker39]

That isn't a Morris, it's a Morgan. And, it actually doesn't have a wood chassis according to the article on the site below. I always thought it did, but they state " Like an Elizabethan house, Morgan bodies are of half-timbered construction. (The chassis is steel, though, despite the long-standing myth that it, too, is wood.) "

http://www.sportscarmarket.com/profiles ... y/English/

Maybe Andrew can verify this.