bow and arrows...

[madjack]

I have no idea if this is true or if where it came from. But it's an amusing little yarn and I hadda share it..........
madjack

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Around age 10 my dad got me one of those little badass compound bow beginner kits.

Of course, the first month I went around our land sticking arrows in anything that could get stuck by an arrow. Did you know that a 1955 40 horse Farmall tractor tire will take 6 rounds before it goes down? Tough sumbich.

That got boring, so being the 10 yr. old Dukes of Hazard fan that I was, I quickly advanced to taking strips of cut up T-shirt doused in chainsaw gas tied around the end and was sending flaming arrows all over the place.

One summer afternoon, I was shooting flaming arrows into a large rotten oak stump in our backyard.

I looked over under the Lean-too of the barn and see a shiny brand new can of starting fluid (Ether). The light bulb went off in my head. I grabbed the can and set it on the stump.

I thought that it would probably just spray out in a disappointing manner. Let's face it, to a 10 yr old mouth-breather like myself; (Ether), really doesn't "sound" flammable.

So, I went back into the house and got a 1 pound can of Pyrodex (black powder for muzzle loader rifles). At this point, I set the can of Ether on the stump and opened up the can of black powder.

My intentions were to sprinkle a little bit around the (Ether) can but it all sorta - kinda dumped out on me. No biggie, a 1 lb. Pyrodex and 16 oz (Ether) should make a loud pop, kinda like a firecracker you know? You know what?

Screw that I'm going back in the house for the other can. Yes, I got a second can of Pyrodex and dumped it too.

Now we're cookin'. I stepped back about 15 ft and lit the 2 stroke powered arrow. I drew the nock to my cheek and took aim. As I released I heard a clunk as the arrow launched from my bow.

In a slow motion time frame, I turned to see my Pa getting out of the truck...OH $HIT! He just got home from work. So help me God it took 10 minutes for that flaming arrow to go from my bow to the can. My dad was walking towards me in slow motion with a WTF look in his eyes. I turned back towards my target just in time to see the arrow pierce the starting fluid can right at the bottom. Right through the main pile of Pyrodex and into the can.

Oh #$%#!!!.

When the shock wave hit, it knocked me off my feet. I don't know if it was the actual compression wave that threw me back or just reflex jerk back from 235 frickin decibels of sound.

I caught a half a millisecond glimpse of the violence during the initial explosion and I will tell you there was dust, grass, and bugs all hovering 1 ft above the ground as far as I could see.

It was like a little low to the ground layer of dust fog full of grasshoppers, spiders, and a worm or two.

The daylight turned purple. Let me repeat this... THE FRICKING DAYLIGHT TURNED PURPLE.

There was a big fir tree out by the gate going into the pasture. Notice I said "was". That son-of-a-bitch got up and ran off or something.

So here I am, on the ground blown completely out of my shoes with my Thundercats T-Shirt shredded, my dad is on the other side of the carport having what I can only assume is a Vietnam flashback:

ECHO BRAVO CHARLIE YOU'RE BRINGIN' EM IN TOO CLOSE!! CEASE FIRE. DAMNIT CEASE FIRE!!!!! Of note; Pa was not a Vietnam war vet.

His hat has blown off and is 30 ft behind him in the driveway. All windows on the north side of the house are blown out and there is a slow rolling mushroom cloud about 2000 ft. over our backyard.

There is a Honda 185 3-wheeler parked on the other side of the yard and the fenders are melted all drooped down and are now touching the tires.

I wish I knew what I said to my Pa at this moment. I don't know - I know I said something. I couldn't hear. I couldn't hear inside my own head. I don't think he heard me either... not that it would really matter.

I don't remember much from this point on. I said something, felt a sharp pain, and then woke up later. I felt another sharp pain, blacked out, woke later....repeat this process for an hour or so and you get the idea.

I remember at one point my Ma had to give me CPR. and Pa screaming "Bring Him back to life so I can kill him again". Thanks Ma I love you too.

One thing is for sure... I never had to mow around that stump again, Ma had been bitching about that thing for years and dad never did anything about it. I stepped up to the plate and handled business.

Pa sold his muzzle loader a week or so later. I still have some sort of bone growth abnormality, either from the blast or the beating, or both.

I guess what I'm trying to say is, get your kids into Archery. It's good discipline and will teach them skills they can use later on in life.

[mobile camper]

Awsome story!!!
I could picture the whole thing as I was reading it.
I was laughing soooo hard I had tears.

Steve G

[S. Heisley]

That was a really funny story!

I think it is just just that...a story...because, if the fenders melted on the 3 wheeler across from where the boy was, his skin would have been melted too!

Actually, I'm glad it was a just a story because I don't feel bad about laughing so hard. Thanks, Madjack!

[Woodbutcher]

That was awesome.....don't care if it was true or not.

Never let the truth get in the way of a good story!

[TheBizMan]

I used a WHOLE roll of paper towels drying the tears from my eyes. Thats a good one to tell around the campfire.

[Ratkity]

OMG!! That almost sounded like a wee Tex cowboy story!! Sure he wasn't the culprit?

LOLOLOL I loved it.

Hugs,
Ratkity

[caseydog]

Here's another one that will have you rolling...

Dear friends.

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety and every woman needs something to protect herself with, right??

WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing!

I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave oven.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right?

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5' long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best...?

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as if to say, 'don't do it dummy,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and . . HOLY MOTHER OF GOD . . . WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . ... WHAT THE HECK!!!

I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs?

The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid
getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor.

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling. Apparently I pooped on myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe came from my hair. I'm still looking for my testicles and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!!



CD

[planovet]

I've been tased and that's now how it goes. But it is still funny to read

[Wolfgang92025]

Madjack

Had a rough day at work. Now sitting here with tears in my eyes.
Thanks a lot....

[CASHCOW]

Well, if I can figure out how to type while I am ROTFLMAO... Geeeez CD I am amazed that that story has never come out while we were all sitting around a campfire, snockered to death. OH MY GOSH... I needed those laughs MJ and CD you always come through........... I cant even THINK of something that happened to me, Mike or anyone I have ever known that would top those two stories................ Thanks for the laughs.......