Humor of the Day

[Mike C.]

A SCARY Halloween story!!!...........................



This story happened a while ago in Brisbane, and even though it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it's true.

John Bradford, a Sydney University student, was on the side of the road hitch hiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a storm.



The night was rolling on and no cars went by. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly he saw a car slowly coming towards him and stopped. John, desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, got in the car and closed the door, only to realize there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn't on!





The car started moving slowly. John looked at the road and saw a curve approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life. Then, just before he hit the curve, a hand appeared through the window and turned the wheel.. John, paralyzed with terror, watched how the hand appeared every time they came to a curve.





John saw the lights of a pub down the road so, gathering strength, jumped out of the car and ran to it. Wet and out of breath, he rushed side and asked for two shots of tequila. He then started telling everybody about the horrible experience he went through.



A silence enveloped everybody when they realized he was crying and he wasn't drunk.



About 15 minutes later, two guys walked into the same pub. They were also wet and out of breath.



Looking around and seeing John Bradford sobbing at the bar, one said to the other; "Look Bruce, there's the idiot that got in the car while we were pushing it."

[halfdome, Danny]

DAD AT THE MALL

I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes. We decided to grab a bite at the food court. I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, and blue. My dad kept staring at him. The teenager would look and find him staring every time.

When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked, 'What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?'

Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response; knowing he would have a good one. And in classic style he did not bat an eye in his response, 'Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son.'

[Mike C.]

Dear Abby,

My husband is a liar and a cheat. He has cheated
on me from the beginning; and, when I confront him,
he denies everything. What's worse, everyone knows
that he cheats on me. It is so humiliating! Also,
since he lost his job six years ago, he hasn't even
looked for a new one. All he does all day is smoke
cigars, cruise around and shoot the bull with his
buddies, while I have to work to pay the bills. And
since our daughter went away to college, he doesn't
even pretend to like me and hints that I may be a
lesbian. What should I do?
Signed, Clueless



scroll down













Dear Clueless:
Grow up and dump this bum! Good grief, woman; you
don't need him anymore. You're a Senator from New
York and a candidate for President of the United
States . Act like it.
Signed, Abby
__________________

[madjack]

...as a counterpoint...some popular bumper stickers...


* Of Course It Hurts: You're Getting Screwed by an Elephant

* We're Making Enemies Faster Than We Can Kill Them

* Let's Fix Democracy in THIS COUNTRY First

* Bush. Like a Rock. Only Dumber.

* You Can't Be Pro-War And Pro-Life At The Same Time

* If You Can Read This, You're Not the President

* Hey, Bush Supporters: Embarrassed Yet?

* George Bush: Creating the Terrorists Our Kids Will Have to Fight

* Impeachment: It's Not Just for Sex Anymore

* America : One Nation, Under Surveillance

* They Call Him "W" So He Can Spell It

* Jail to the Chief

* No, Seriously, Why Did We Invade?

* Bush: God's Way of Proving Intelligent Design is a bunch of Of Crap

* Bad president! No Banana.

* We Need a President Who's Fluent In At Least One Language

* When Bush Took Office, Gas Was $1.46

* The Republican Party: Our Bridge to the 11th Century

* Is It Vietnam Yet?

* You Elected Him. You Deserve Him.

* 1/20/09: End of an Error

madjack

[Mike C.]

Hillary and a Cowboy



Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton, on an airliner bound for Texas, finds herself seated next to an older, weathered man in a western snap shirt, faded jeans, and a cowboy hat.



Thinking herself above the old cowboy, she decides to make sport of him.



"You know," she says, "I've heard these flights go much more quickly if you strike up a conversation with a fellow passenger.



So, let's talk."



The cowboy looks at her wryly and says, "Well I s'pose that'd be all right, m'am. What'd ya like to discuss?"



"Oh, I don't know," says Hillary with a slight hint of sarcasm.

"How about Iraq?"



"Hmm," says the cowboy, sensing an attempt to perhaps belittle him, "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first: Horses, cows, and deer all eat the same stuff--grass. Yet a deer passes little pellets, a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse makes muffins of dried poop. Why do you suppose that is?"



Dumbfounded, Senator Clinton replies, "I haven't the slightest idea."



"So tell me, then," says the cowboy with a smile. "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss Iraq when you don't know sh-t?

[madjack]

..as a pol, I would think Hil is well qualified to discuss both...as would most any other pol...................................

[Bill Fernandez]

Hey don't talk about my gal that way she will be the next president you can bet on that.

[Podunkfla]

Hey Madjack... I like this one a friend sent me a while ago...

'Twas the month before Christmas when all through our land,
Not a Christian was praying nor taking a stand.
Why the PC Police had taken away,
The reason for Christmas - no one could say.

The children were told by their schools not to sing,
About Shepherds and Wise Men and Angels and things.
It might hurt people's feelings, the teachers would say
December 25th is just a " Holiday ".

Yet the shoppers were ready with cash, checks and credit
Pushing folks down to the floor just to get it!
CDs from Madonna, an X BOX, an I-pod
Something was changing, something quite odd!

Retailers promoted Ramadan and Kwanzaa
In hopes to sell books by Franken & Fonda.
As Targets are hanging their trees upside down
At Lowe's the word Christmas - was no where to be found.

At K-Mart and Staples and Penny's and Sears
You won't hear the word Christmas; it won't touch your ears.
Inclusive, sensitive, Di-ver-is-ty
Are words that were used to intimidate me.

Now Daschle, Now Darden, Now Sharpton, Wolf Blitzen
On Boxer, on Rather, on Kerry, on Clinton !
At the top of the Senate, there arose such a clatter
To eliminate Jesus, in all public matter.

And we spoke not a word, as they took away our faith
Forbidden to speak of salvation and grace
The true Gift of Christmas was exchanged and discarded
The reason for the season, stopped before it started.

So as you celebrate "Winter Break" under your "DreamTree"
Sipping your Starbucks, listen to me.
Choose your words carefully, choose what you say
Shout MERRY CHRISTMAS, not Happy Holiday !

[Mike C.]

The Coma,


The woman's husband had been slipping in
and out of a coma for several months, yet she
had stayed by his bedside every single day.
One day, when he came to, he motioned for
her to come nearer.

As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of
tears, "You know what? You have been with
me all through the bad times. When I got fired,
you were there to support me. When my
business failed, you were there. When I got
shot, you were by my side. When we lost the
house, you stayed right here. When my health
started failing, you were still by my side. You
know what?"

"What dear?" She gently asked, smiling as
her heart began to fill with warmth.

"I think you're bad luck."

[Miriam C.]

Brick

[halfdome, Danny]

Hey Madjack... I like this one a friend sent me a while ago...

'Twas the month before Christmas when all through our land,
Not a Christian was praying nor taking a stand.
Why the PC Police had taken away,
The reason for Christmas - no one could say.

The children were told by their schools not to sing,
About Shepherds and Wise Men and Angels and things.
It might hurt people's feelings, the teachers would say
December 25th is just a " Holiday ".

Yet the shoppers were ready with cash, checks and credit
Pushing folks down to the floor just to get it!
CDs from Madonna, an X BOX, an I-pod
Something was changing, something quite odd!

Retailers promoted Ramadan and Kwanzaa
In hopes to sell books by Franken & Fonda.
As Targets are hanging their trees upside down
At Lowe's the word Christmas - was no where to be found.

At K-Mart and Staples and Penny's and Sears
You won't hear the word Christmas; it won't touch your ears.
Inclusive, sensitive, Di-ver-is-ty
Are words that were used to intimidate me.

Now Daschle, Now Darden, Now Sharpton, Wolf Blitzen
On Boxer, on Rather, on Kerry, on Clinton !
At the top of the Senate, there arose such a clatter
To eliminate Jesus, in all public matter.

And we spoke not a word, as they took away our faith
Forbidden to speak of salvation and grace
The true Gift of Christmas was exchanged and discarded
The reason for the season, stopped before it started.

So as you celebrate "Winter Break" under your "DreamTree"
Sipping your Starbucks, listen to me.
Choose your words carefully, choose what you say
Shout MERRY CHRISTMAS, not Happy Holiday !

More satire than humor of the day, quite sad indeed. If a retailer won't acknowledge Christmas he dosen't deserve your business. Danny

[Mike C.]

The Bathtub Test

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director

how do you determine whether or not a patient should be
institutionalized.

"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer
a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her
to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use
the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."






"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug.
Do you want a bed near the window?"



BTW Brick, I really appreciated and agreed with your Christmas post,
but I have to post jokes.....cause I got the humor in me.

[halfdome, Danny]

You Think English is Easy???

Can you read these right the first time?


1) The bandage was wound around the wound.

2) The farm was used to produce produce.

3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.

4) We must polish thePolish furniture.


5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.

6) The soldier decidedto desert his dessert in the desert.

7) Since there is no time like the present, hethought it was time to present the present .

8] A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.

9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.

10) I did not object to the object.

11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.

12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.

13) They were too close to the door to close it.

14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.

15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.

16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.

17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.

18] Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.

19) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.

20) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?


Let's face it - English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant, nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat. We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth, beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices? Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?

If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does ahumanitarian eat? Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell?

How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which, an alarm goes off by going on.

English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all.

P.S. - Why doesn't "Buick" rhyme with "quick"?


You lovers of the English language might enjoy this .

There is a two-letter word that perhaps has more meanings than any other two-letter word, and that is "UP."

It's easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we
awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP? At a meeting, why does a topic come UP ? Why do we speak UP and why are the officers UP for electionand why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report ?

We call UP our friends. And we use it to brighten UP a room, polish UP the silver, we warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen. We lock UP the house and some guys fix UP the old car. At other times the little word has real special meaning. People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses. To be dressed is one thing, but to be dressed UP is special.

And this UP is confusing: A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP. We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night.

We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP ! To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP, look the word UP in the dictionary. In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4th of the page and can add UP to about thirty definitions. If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used. It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don't give UP , you may wind UP with a hundred or more. When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP . When the sun comes out we say it is clearing UP .

When it rains, it wets the earth and often messes things UP.

When it doesn't rain for awhile, things dry UP .

One could go on and on, but I'll wrap it UP , for now my time is UP , so........... it is time to shut UP...!

Oh . . . one more thing:


What is the first thing you do in the morning & the last thing youdo at night? U-P

[Mike C.]

The Pope.....

The Pope took a couple of days off to visit the rugged mountains of
Alaska for some sightseeing. He was cruising around the campground
in the Pope Mobile when there was a frantic commotion just at the
edge of the woods.


A helpless Democrat, wearing sandals, shorts, a "Save the Whales"
hat, and a "To Hell with Bush" T-shirt, was screaming while
struggling frantically and thrashing around trying to free himself
from the grasp of a 10-foot grizzly.


As the Pope watched in horror, a group of Republican loggers came
racing up. One quickly fired a 44 magnum into the bear's chest. The
other two reached up and pulled the bleeding, semiconscious Democrat
from the bear's grasp Then using long clubs, the three loggers
finished off the bear and two of them threw it onto the bed of their
truck while the other tenderly placed the injured Democrat in the
back seat.



As they prepared to leave, the Pope summoned them to come over.

"I give you my blessing for your brave actions" he told them "I
heard there was a bitter hatred between Republican loggers and
Democratic Environmental activists but now I've seen with my own
eyes that this is not true."



As the Pope drove off, one of the loggers asked his buddies, "Who
was that guy?"

"It was the Pope," another replied. "He's in direct contact with
Heaven and has access to all wisdom."

"Well," the logger said, "he may have access to all wisdom but he
doesn't know squat about bear hunting! By the way, how is the bait
holding up, or do we need to go back to Massachusetts and get
another one?"

[Benthosboy]

Hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper?? He sold his soul to Santa!!

Or, the dyslexic pimp? He bought a warehouse!!

Martyn (I'll get my coat.....)