Humor of the Day

[Nitetimes]

Something To Offend Nearly Everyone

Q. What's the Cuban National Anthem?
A. Row, Row, Row Your Boat

Q. Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A. A different bar

Q. What did the Chinese couple name their retarded baby?
A. Sum Ting Wong

Q. What do you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A. A speech impediment

Q. What does it mean when the Post Office's flag is flying at half-mast?
A. They're hiring

Q. Why aren't there any Puerto Ricans on Star Trek?
A. Because they're not going to work
in the future either.

Q. What do you call a Mississippi
farmer with a sheep under each arm?
A. A pimp.

Q. Why do Driver Education classes in redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
A. Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.

Q. What's the difference between a Southern zoo and a Northern zoo?
A. The Southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage..........along with a recipe.

Q. How do you get a sweet little
80-year-old lady to say the "F" word?
A. Get another sweet little
80-year-old lady to yell "BINGO!"

Q. What's the difference between a Northern fairytale and a Southern fairytale???
A. A Northern fairytale begins, "Once
upon a time..."
A Southern fairytale begins, "Y'all ain't
gonna believe this sh**."

Q. Why doesn't Mexico have an Olympic team?
A. Because all the Mexicans who can run,
jump or swim are already in the United
States.

[halfdome, Danny]

The Olympics Again

[H@nk]

Lately I was coming home with flowers for the wife.
She said: "Thank you and have I to spread my legs now?
I said":" No put them in a vase".

[halfdome, Danny]

There is a new study just released by the American Psychiatric Association about women and how they feel about their asses.

The results are pretty interesting:

1. 5% of women surveyed feel their ass is too big.

2. 10% of women surveyed feel their ass is too small.

3. The remaining 85% say they don't care; they love him; he's a good man, and they would have married him anyway!

[rbeemer]

A great answer to a dumb question..

Katie Couric, while interviewing a Marine sniper, asked:

'What do you feel when you shoot a Terrorist?'


The Marine shrugged and replied,

'A slight recoil.'

[dhazard]

DRILL PRESS:
A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, destroying the window which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

WIRE WHEEL:
Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned sanding calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, "Oh sh--...."

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL:
Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age.

SKILL SAW:
A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS:
Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

BELT SANDER:
An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW:
One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS:
Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

WELDING GLOVES:
Heavy duty leather gloves used to prolong the conduction of intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH:
Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub you want the bearing race out of.

TABLE SAW:
A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK:
Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

EIGHT-FOOT LONG YELLOW PINE 2X4:
Used for levering an automobile upward off of a trapped hydraulic jack handle.

E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR:
A tool ten times harder than any known drill bit that snaps neatly off in bolt holes thereby ending any possible future use.

BAND SAW:
A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST:
A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 24-INCH SCREWDRIVER:
A very large pry bar that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle.

AVIATION METAL SNIPS:
See hacksaw.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER:
Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids and for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER:
A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws.

PRY BAR:
A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER:
A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER:
Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.

MECHANIC'S KNIFE:
Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.

DAMMIT TOOL:
Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling "DAMMIT" at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.

[signs]

When you have an 'I Hate My Job' day, try this:

On your way home from work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the
thermometer section and purchase a rectal thermometer made by Johnson &
Johnson; Be very sure you get this brand. When you get home, lock your
doors, draw the curtains and disconnect the phone so you will not be
disturbed.

Change into very comfortable clothing and sit in your favorite
chair.
Open the package and remove the thermometer. Now, carefully place it on
a table or a surface so that it will not become chipped or broken.

Now the fun part begins. Take out the literature from the box
and read it carefully. You will notice that in small print there is a
statement:

'Every Rectal Thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson is
personally tested and then sanitized '.

Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud five times, 'I am so
glad I do not work in the thermometer Quality Control Department at
Johnson & Johnson.'

HAVE A NICE DAY AND REMEMBER, THERE IS ALWAYS SOMEONE ELSE WITH
A JOB THAT IS MORE OF A PAIN IN THE A$$ THAN YOURS

[Bob Olszewski]

A man and a woman who had never met before, and were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a Trans-continental train.

Though initially uneasy over sharing a room, they were both tired and fell asleep quickly.....he in the upper bunk and she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."

"I have a better idea," she replied . "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married."

"Wow! That's a great idea!" he exclaimed.

"Good," she replied. "Get your own damn blanket."

After a moment of silence, he farted.

[caseydog]

HELL EXPLAINED BY CHEMISTRY STUDENT

The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid term.

The answer by one student was so 'profound' that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well :


Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle' s Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.
One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. A s for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.

Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of thes e religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.
This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my F reshman year that, 'It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,' and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct......leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting 'Oh my God.'


THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+.

[Bob Olszewski]

Little Carol came into the kitchen where her mother was making dinner.

Her birthday was coming up and she thought this was a good time to tell her mother what she wanted. "Mom, I want a bike for my birthday."

Now, Little Carol was a bit of a troublemaker. She had gotten into trouble at school and at home. Carol's mother asked her if she thought she deserved to get bike for her birthday. Little Carol, of course, thought she did.


Carol's mother, being a Christian woman, wanted her to reflect on her behavior over the last year, and write a letter to God and tell him why she deserved a bike for her birthday. Little Carol stomped up the steps to her room and sat down to write God a letter.



LETTER 1:
Dear God:

I have been a very good girl this year and I would like a bike for my birthday. I want a red one.

Your friend,
Carol



Carol knew this wasn't true. She had not been a very good girl this year, so she tore up the letter and started over




LETTER 2:
Dear God:

This is your friend Carol. I have been a pretty good girl this year, and I would like a red bike for my birthday.

Thank you,
Carol


Carol knew this wasn't true either. She tore up the letter and started again.




LETTER 3:
Dear God:

I know I haven't been a good girl this year. I am very sorry. I will be a good girl if you just send me a red bike for my birthday.

Thank you,
Carol



Carol knew, even if it was true, this letter was not going to get her a bike. By now, she was very upset. She went downstairs and told her mother she wanted to go to church. Carol's mother thought her plan had worked because Carol looked very sad.

"Just be home in time for dinner," her mother said.

Carol walked down the street to the church and up to the altar. She looked around to see if anyone was there. She picked up a statue of the Virgin Mary slipped it under her jacket and ran out of the church, down the street, into her house, and up to her room. She shut the door and sat

down and wrote her
letter

to God.

LETTER 4:
I GOT YOUR MAMA.
IF YOU WANT TO SEE HER AGAIN, SEND THE BIKE.


Signed,

YOU KNOW WHO

[Mike C.]

Bill and Hill.
>
>Hillary Clinton called Bill into her office one day and said, "Bill, I
>have a grea t idea. I know how we can win back middle America and
>secure my presidential victory in 2008".
>
>"Great, but how do you propose we go about that?", asked Bill.
>
>"Well", Hillary responds, "We'll go down to a local Wal-Mart, get some
>cheesy clothes and shoes like most middle Americans wear, and then we
>'ll stop at the pound and pick up a Labrador . When we look the part
>we'll go to a nice old country bar in middle America , and we'll show
>them that we really enjoy the countryside and show admiration and
>respect for the hard working people living there."
>
>
>A few days later, all decked out and with the requisite Labrador at
>heel, they set off from New York in a westerly direction. Eventually
>they arrived a t just the place they were looking for. With dog in tow
>they walk into the bar. They step up to the bar and the bartender
>takes a step back and says,
>
>
>"Aren't you Bill and Hillary Clinton?"
>
>Hillary answers, "Yes we are, and what a lovely town you have here. We
>were just passing through and Bill suggested that we stop and take in
>some local color."
>
>
>They then order a couple of cocktails from the bartender and proceed
>to drink them down, all the while chatting up a storm with anyone who
>would listen.
>
>
>All of a sudden, the bar room door opens and a grizzled old farmer
>comes in. He walks up to the Labrador , lifts its tail and looks
>underneath, shrugs his shoulders and walks out the door.
>
>
>A few moments later, in came another old farmer. He walks up to the
>dog, lifts its tail, looks underneath, scratches his head, and then
>leaves the bar.
>
>
>Over the course of the next hour o r so, another four or five farmers
>came in, lifted the dog's tail, and went away looking puzzled.
>
>
>Eventually Hillary and Bill could stand it no longer and called the
>bartender over "'Tell me", said Hillary , "Why did all those old
>farmers come in and look under the dog's tail like that? Is it some
>sort of old custom?"
>
>
>"Good Lord no", said the bartender, "Its just that someone has told
>them that there was a Labrador in here with two a$$holes!"
>
>
>IS THIS A GREAT COUNTRY, OR WHAT?

[Gaston]

Had to go to the VA for a blood test today and while I was sitting there looking at the "your next number" and being 34#"s from next it reminded me of ..
the snail that got mugged by 2 turtles and told the police he couldn't identify the turtles at a lineup cause it all happened so fast

[halfdome, Danny]

Words of Wisdom
Source Unknown


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal the neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help.

If you tell the truth you don't have to remember anything.

If you lend someone $20 and never see him again; it was probably worth it.

If you haven't much education you must use your brain.

Never mess up an apology with an excuse.

Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

Taxation with representation isn't so hot, either!

Wisdom comes from good judgment and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.

A closed mouth gathers no foot.

Duct tape is like the Force, it has a light side and a dark side and it holds the universe together.

I didn't say it was your fault. I said I was going to blame you.

There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.

Never miss a good chance to shut up.

Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your mouth is moving.

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in his shoes. That way, when you do criticize him, you're a mile away and you have his shoes.

[Ken Fincher]

Being from Utah originaly I can relate to this one.

If you are going to go fishing with a mormon you should always take two of them, Because if you only take one he will drink all of your beer.

So take two scince they will not drink in front of each other.

The Sin City Teardropper.
Ken F.
( www.VegasTeardrop.com )

[Nitetimes]

Being from Utah originaly I can relate to this one.

If you are going to go fishing with a mormon you should always take two of them, Because if you only take one he will drink all of your beer.

So take two scince they will not drink in front of each other.

The Sin City Teardropper.
Ken F.
( www.VegasTeardrop.com )

I didn't know that but I will certainly file it for future reference!!