Humor of the Day

[CASHCOW]

Aging Aunt Mildred was a 93-year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband. She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death.

Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out his old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart, since it was badly broken in the first place.

Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and a burden to someone, she called her doctor's office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be on a woman. The doctor said, 'Your heart would be just below your left breast'.



Later that night........ Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.

[Larwyn]

Who can think of the best caption for this photo?

Well, I call this one "Haley and her "dear" frined".



Haley was with us for only a short while and I believe even the deer miss her now.

[caseydog]

This guy goes to his doctor, and he complains he's having these blinding headaches. He's had them for years now, and no other doctor has found the cause, and consequently a cure for them.

The doctor gives him an examination, and he says, "Oh, you have this very strange condition." He says, "What it is, is that your testicles are pressing against the base of your spine. And that's what's causing the headache. And the only cure is surgical castration."

And the guy says, "Oh, God, should I go through the headaches, or the surgery?" And he finally decides to get the castration, and he does.

He's in a foul mood afterwards, of course. He's depressed. And the only way he can think to cheer himself up is to get a new set of clothes. So he goes to a haberdasher.

He sees a nice pin-striped suit in the window, and he goes in and says, "I'd like that pin-striped suit."

And the guy goes, "Good. That's good. You wear a 42 long."

The guy goes, "Amazing! How did you do that?"

The haberdasher says, "I've been in the business forever. I know my stuff."

The guy says, "Well, that's great. I'd also like to get a shirt." And the haberdasher says, "Yeah, that's a 16 ½ neck, 33 sleeve."

"Bloody amazing. You're really good at this." He says, "While I'm at it, I think I'd like to get some briefs." And the haberdasher says, "Well, that'd be a 36 brief."

"Nope, you're wrong this time, Mr. Haberdasher. I wear a 34 brief."

The haberdasher says, "No, you don't want to wear a 34." He says, "That'd press your balls against your spine and give you a headache."

CD

[SmokeyBob]

Tea Party

One day, my mother was out and my dad was in charge of me and my brother, who is four years older than me. I was maybe one and a half-years-old and had just recovered from an accident in which my arm had been broken, among other injuries.

Someone had given me a little tea set as a get well gift and it was one of my favorite toys. Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news and my brother was playing nearby in the living room when I brought Daddy a little cup of tea, which was just water. After several cups of tea and a lot of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom came home. My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!'

My Mom waited and sure enough, there I came down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy and she watched him drink it up. She then said, "Did it ever occur to you that the only place that baby can reach to get water is the toilet?"

[bigjim661966]

Pardon me if this one's been on here before but it is the only one I have worthy of including here.

What did the police say when they had a midget physic that they couldn't apprehend?

We have a small medium at large.

[Boodro]

A loving couple owned a ranch in Colorado . Suddenly the husband died, leaving the ranch to the widow. She wanted to keep the ranch at all cost , but she did not know how to run it as her husband did all the work before. Show she put out an ad for a ranch hand. She got 2 replies back , 1 was a drunk , & 1 was a gay guy. She thought long & hard about which one to hire. she finally decided to hire the gay guy ,she figured she be safer than with a drunk. So he started working & was a very hard worker. He turned the ranch around & made it a beautiful place. After a couple of months ,she said " Since you have worked so hard & did a great job , take the nite off & go into town & kick up your heels." So he did. Later that nite she was waiting for him to come home. Midnite came & went, 1am,finally at 230am he came home . She was sitting in her chair with a glass of wine. She called him over to her. she said softly " Take off my blouse, with trembling hands he did. She said " Take off my bra, so he did. She said " Take off my boots . He gently removed them. She said " Take off my socks." He removed them & softly laid them on her boots. she said " Take off my skirt. He looked deep into her blue eyes , & removed her skirt with shaking hands
She said " The next time you wear my clothes to town your fired!!.

[Nitetimes]

The Pope and Hillary Rodham Clinton are on the same stage in front of a huge crowd.

The senator and His Holiness, however, have seen it all before. To make it a little more interesting, the senator says to the Pope, 'Did You know that with just one little wave of my hand I can make every Democrat in the crowd go wild?'

He doubts it, so she shows him. Sure enough, the wave elicits rapture and cheering from every democrat in the crowd. Gradually, the cheering subsides.

The Pope, not wanting to be out done by such a level of arrogance, considers what he could do.

'That was impressive, the Pope says, 'But did you know that with just one little wave of MY hand I can make EVERY person in the crowd go crazy with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display like that of your subjects, but will go deep into their hearts, and they will forever speak of this day and rejoice.'

The senator seriously doubts this, and says so. 'One little wave of your hand and all people will rejoice forever? Show me.'

So the Pope slapped her.

[Nitetimes]

Rules for 2008

New Rule:No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.

New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com! There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days --- mowing my lawn.

New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Lobster?

New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged . I have a better description for these kids: 'Lucky bastards.'

New Rule: If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you're a dope. If you're a kid, the cards are keep sakes of your idols. If you're a grown man, they're pictures of men.

New Rule: Quit believing everything a politician tells you before they are elected. Then act all surprised and angery when they dont do anything they promised.

New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: Do you have two of them? Good, we're done.

New Rule:There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but, without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.

New Rule: Stop screwing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis.

New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a 'decaf grandee, half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low, and One NutraSweet,' ooooh, you're a huge asshole.

New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering My PIN number, pressing 'Enter,' verifying the amount, deciding, no, I don't want Cash back, and pressing 'Enter' again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy.

New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you Spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to 'beef with broccoli.' The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.

New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN Recently televised the U.S. Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait, they're already doing that. It's called 'The Howard Stern Show.'

New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&Ms. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.

New Rule:If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason something was a television show in the first place is that the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.

New Rule:And this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell If he's supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your webcam, Dude. I just want to wash my hands

New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to hear '27 months.' 'He's two' will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place.

New Rule: If you ever hope to be a credible adult and want a job that pays better than Minimum wage, then for God's sake don't pierce or tattoo every available piece of flesh. If so, then plan your future around saying, 'Do you want fries with that?'

[halfdome, Danny]

No Pun Intended




Keep the groans down please!



1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married.

The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve
you, but don't start anything."

3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and
says: "A beer please, and one for the road."

6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this
taste funny to you?"

7. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'" "That
sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome." "Is it common?" Well, "It's Not
Unusual."

8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to
Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe
you," says Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy.

9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing
to look at either.

10. DejaMoo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I
couldn't find any.

12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted,
"Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know
you can't - I've cut off your arms!"

13. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.

14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and
says "Dam!"..

16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in
the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't
have your kayak and heat it too.

17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were
standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories.
After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them
to disperse. "But why," they asked, as they moved off. "Because",! he
said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

18. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes
to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family
in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of
himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her
husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband
responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time,
which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate
very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he
suffered from bad breath. This made him. (Oh, man, this is so bad,
it's good)..... A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

20. And finally, there was the person who sent twenty different puns
to her friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make
them laugh. No pun in ten did.

[Grumpeyyy]

While walking down the street one day a US senator is tragically hit by a truck and dies.

His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St Peter at the entrance.

"Welcome to heaven" says St Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we are not sure what to do with you."

" No problem, just let me in" says the man.

" Well I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in Hell and one day in Heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity."

" Realy, Ive made up my mind. I want to be in Heaven," says the senator.

" I'm sorry, but we have our rules"

And with that,St Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down to Hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standind in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.

Everyone is very happy and in evening drees. They run to greet him, Shake his hand and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.

They play a friendly game of golf andd then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne.

Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, its time to go.

Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises....

The elevator goes up and the door reopens at Heaven where St Peter is waiting for him.

" Now its time to visit Heaven"

So 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They had a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St Peter returns.

" Well, then , you've spent a day in Hell and another in Heaven. Now choose your eternity."

The senator reflects for a minute, then answers: " Well, I would Never have said it before, I mean Heaven has been delightful, But I think I would be better off in Hell."

So St Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down to Hell.

Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage.

He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.

The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder. " I don't understand," stammers the senator. " Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wastland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?'


The devil looks at him and says

" YESTERDAY WE WERE CAMPAIGNING. TODAY YOU VOTED."

[halfdome, Danny]

80 year old woman marries for the 4th time



The local news station was interviewing an 80 year old lady because she
had just gotten married again for the fourth time. The interviewer asked her
questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at
80, and then about her new husband's occupation.

'He's a funeral director,' she answered.

'Interesting,' the newsman thought. He then asked her if she wouldn't
mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did
for a living.

She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those
years. After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered
proudly, explaining that she'd first married a banker when she was in her
early 20's, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40's, later on a preacher
when in her 60's, and now in her 80's, a funeral director.

The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had
married four men with such diverse careers.

She smiled and explained, 'I married one for the money, two for the
show, three to get ready, and four to go.'

[sonar37]

Winter Funny

[Nitetimes]

Now that was really, really stooooopid on her part!!!

[halfdome, Danny]

Did you see this one on the same page? Danny

[Oregonian]

Maxine was driving down the street in a sweat because she had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up toward the heaven, she said,'Lord, take pity on me. If you find me a parking place, I will go to church every Sunday for the rest of my life and give up sex and tequila.' Miraculously, a parking place appeared. She looked up again and said, 'never mind, I found one.'