Humor of the Day

[Oregonian]

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says, "Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I am full of aches and pains. I know your about my age. How do you feel?"
Slim says, " I feel just like a new born baby."
"Really, like a newborn baby!?"
"Yep, No hair, no teeth , and I think I just wet my pants."

[Oregonian]

A senior citizen said to his eighty year old buddy:

"So I hear your getting married?"

"Yep!"

"Do I know her?"

"Nope!"

"This woman, is she good looking?"

"Not really."

"Is she a good cook?"

"Naw, she can't cook too well>"

"Does she have lots of money?"

"Nope, poor as a church mouse."

"Well then, is she good in bed?"

"I don't know."

"Why in the world do you want to marry her then?"

"Because she can still drive!"

[Oregonian]

An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.
The man went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again."
The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I have changed my will three times!"

[Oregonian]

A man was driving down a road and ran out of gas. Just at that moment, a bee flew in his window.
The bee ask, "What seeens to be the problem?"
"I am out of gas" the man replied.
The bee told the man to wait right there and flew away. Minutes later, the man watched as an entire swarm of bees flew to his car and into his gas tank. After a few minutes, the bees flew out. "Try it now," said one bee.
The man turned the ignition key and the car started right up. "Wow!" the man exclaimed,"what did you put in my gas tank?"
The bee answered,

BP

[bigjim661966]

Pastor's Business Card



A new pastor was visiting in the homes of his parishioners. At one house it seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer came to his repeated knocks at the door.

Therefore, he took out a business card and wrote "Revelation 3:20" on the back of it and stuck it in the door.

When the offering was processed the following Sunday, he found that his card had been returned. Added to it was this cryptic message, "Genesis 3:10."

Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation, he broke up in gales of laughter. Revelation 3:20 begins "Behold, I stand at the door and knock." Genesis 3:10 reads, "I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid for I was naked."

Remember when the funniest jokes were the clean ones?
They still are! Pass it on-


"A cheerful heart is good medicine" (Prov. 17:22)

[Claw]

A fleeing Al Qaeda guerrilla, desperate for water, was plodding through the Iraqi desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he walked toward the object, only to find a little old Jewish man at a small stand selling neckties.

The Arab asked, 'Do you have water?'

The Jewish man replied, 'I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $25.'

The Arab shouted, 'Idiot Jew! Israel should not exist! I do not need an over-priced tie. I need water! I should kill you, but I must find water first.'

'OK,' said the old Jew, 'It does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me I will show you that I am bigger than that. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a lovely restaurant. It has all the water you need. Shalom.'

Muttering, the Arab staggered away over the hill.

Several hours later he staggered back, near collapse. ...

'Your brother won't let me in without a tie..........

[Oregonian]

Well maybe he should have bought that tie. Love that one

[Claw]

I know we had a redneck thread so maybe I am posting this in the wrong area.

A redneck family is visiting a big city for the first time.
The father and son are in the hotel lobby when they spot an elevator.

“What’s that, Paw?” the boy asked.

“I ain’t never did see nothin’ like that in my life,” replied the father.

Seconds later an old frail woman walks in the hotel door and hobbles to the elevator. She presses the button with her cane, waits for the doors to open, and gets in.

The father and son, still amazed by this contraption, continue to watch.

They hear a ping noise and the doors open again. Out steps a beautiful 20 year old busty blonde.

The father looks at his son and says, “Go get your Maw!”

[sonar37]

In the year 2007, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in the United States , and said, "Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me.

Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing along with a few good humans."

He gave Noah the blueprints, saying, "You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights. "

Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard - but no Ark.

"Noah!" He roared, "I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark ?"

"Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah, "but things have changed. I needed a building permit. I've been arguing with the inspector about the need for a sprinkler system. My neighbors claim that I've violated the neighborhood zoning laws by building the Ark in my yard and exceeding the height limitations. We had to go to the Development Appeal Board for a decision.

Then the Department of Transportation demanded a bond be posted for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the Ark 's move to the sea . I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it.

Getting the wood was another problem. There's a ban on cutting local trees in order to save the spotted owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls - but no go!

When I started gathering the animals, an animal rights group sued me.

They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the accommodation was too restrictive, and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space.

Then the EPA ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood.

I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission on how many minorities I'm supposed to hire for my building crew.

Immigration and Naturalization is checking the green-card sta tus of most of the people who want to work.

The trades unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only Union workers with Ark-building experience.

To make matters worse, the IRS seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species.

So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish this Ark. "

Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky. Noah looked up in wonder and asked, "You mean you're not going to destroy the world?"

"No," said the Lord. "The government beat me to it.”

[Oregonian]

Man who run in front of car get tired

Man who run in back of car get exhausted

Man with one chopstick go hungry

War does not determine who is right, but who is left.

Man who drives like hell, is bound to get there.

Man who lives in glass house should change cloths in basement

[rbeemer]

Don't eat chicken sandwiches, no matter what.....

A little boy and a little girl attended the same school and became friends.
Every day they would sit together to eat their lunch. They discovered that they both brought chicken sandwiches every day! This went on all through the fourth and fifth grades, until one day he noticed that her sandwich wasn't a chicken sandwich.
He said, 'Hey, h ow come you're not eating chicken, don't you like it anymore?'
She said 'I love it but I have to stop eating it.'

'Why?' he asked.
She pointed to her lap and said 'Cause I'm starting to grow little feathers down there!'
'Let me see' he said.
'Okay' and she pulled up her skirt.
He looked and said, 'That's right. You are! Better not eat any more chicken.'
He kept eating his chicken sandwiches until one day he brought peanut butter.He said
to the little girl, 'I have to stop eating chicken sandw iches, I'm starting to get feathers
down there too!' She asked if she could look, so he pulled down his pants for her!



She said 'Oh,my God,it's too late for you! You've already got the NECK and GIZZARDS!!!

[signs]

. . . Everyone concentrates on the problems we're having in this country lately; illegal immigration, hurricane recovery, alligators attacking people in Florida . .



Not me. I concentrate on solutions for the problems. It's a win-win situation.

+ Dig a moat the length of the Mexican border.

+ Send the dirt to New Orleans to raise the level of the levies.

+ Put the Florida alligators in the moat along the Mexican border.

Any other problems you would like for me to solve today?

[Mike C.]

This Alzheimer's Test was developed as a mental age assessment by the School of Psychiatry at Harvard University. Take a few moments to see whether you can read each line aloud without a mistake. The average person over 40 years of age cannot do it!

1. This is this cat.
2. This is is cat.
3. This is how cat.
4. This is to cat.
5. This is keep cat.
6. This is an cat.
7. This is old cat.
8. This is fart cat.
9. This is busy cat.
10. This is for cat.
11. This is forty cat.
12. This is seconds cat. .?

Now go back and read the third word in each line from the top down and I bet you cannot resist passing it on ....

[Jiminsav]

This Alzheimer's Test was developed as a mental age assessment by the School of Psychiatry at Harvard University. Take a few moments to see whether you can read each line aloud without a mistake. The average person over 40 years of age cannot do it!

1. This is this cat.
2. This is is cat.
3. This is how cat.
4. This is to cat.
5. This is keep cat.
6. This is an cat.
7. This is old cat.
8. This is fart cat.
9. This is busy cat.
10. This is for cat.
11. This is forty cat.
12. This is seconds cat. .?

Now go back and read the third word in each line from the top down and I bet you cannot resist passing it on ....

[sonar37]

When Cloning Goes Wrong