Humor of the Day

[Oregonian]

That is awsum.


Grandma was in the bathroom, putting on her make-up, under the watchful eye of her young granddaughter as she had done many times before. After she applied her lipstick and started to leave, the little one said, "But Grandma you forgot to kiss the toilet paper good-bye!"

[Mike C.]

The Cardiologist's Funeral

A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate
funeral. A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service.

Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the
casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the
beautiful heart forever.

At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all eyes
stared at him, he said, "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own
funeral...I'm a gynecologist."

That's when the proctologist fainted.

[mikeschn]

You would too if you thought you were going to be shoved up a humongous ass.

[Oregonian]

A second grader came home from school and said to her grandmother,"Grandma, guess what? We learned how to make babies today." The grandmother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool. "that's interesting." she said. "How do you make babies?" "It's simple," replied the little girl, all you do is drop the y and add ies."

[Oregonian]

A little girl was dilligently pounding away on her grandfather's word processer. She told him she was writing a story. "What is it about?" he asked. "I don't know," she replied, "I can't read."

[Mike C.]

A man was on the water for his weekly fishing trip.

He began his day with an 8 Lb walleye on the first cast and a 7 Lb on the second. On the third cast he had just caught his first ever walleye over 11 pounds when his cell phone rang.

It was a doctor notifying him that his wife had just been in a terrible accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU.

The man told the doctor to inform his wife where he was and that he'd be there as soon as possible. As he hung up he realized he was leaving what was shaping up to be his best day ever on the water.

He decided to get in a couple of more casts before heading to the hospital. He ended up fishing the rest of the morning, finishing his trip with a stringer like he'd never seen, with 3 walleye over 10 pounds. He was jubilant.... Then he remembered his wife.

Feeling guilty he dashed to the hospital. He saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about his wife's condition.

The doctor glared at him and shouted, 'You went ahead and finished your fishing trip didn't you! I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself on the pond your wife has been languishing in the ICU! It's just as well you went ahead and finished because it will be more than likely the last fishing trip you ever take!'

'For the rest of her life she will require 'round the clock care. And you'll be her care giver forever!'

The man was feeling so guilty he broke down and sobbed.

The doctor then chuckled and said, 'I'm just messin' with ya. She's dead. What'd you catch?'
__________________

[Mike C.]

Boudreau and Thibodeau were in fishing for crappies from their rowboat early
one morning. It was a gorgeous day and the crappies were biting like crazy.
The two men quickly filled their stringers and stopped fishing to drink a 'cold
one.'
Bye and bye, a funeral procession began passing by over the bridge near
where they fished. Thibodeau put down his beer,stood up in the boat and
took off his hat.
He stood there silently, head bowed and hat in hand while the procession
passed by.
When the funeral procession had passed, Thibodeau sat down and resumed
his beer-drinking. Boudreau looked at him in amazement; "Well gosh, Thibodeau.....
I been around you a long time and I never knew you were so devout and
respectful."
"Yeah I know, Boudreau....but it was the least I could do," said Thibodeau.
"See....I been married to her for 20 years!"

[Oregonian]

When my grandson Billy and I entered our vacation cabin, we kept the light off till we were inside to keep from attracting pesky insects. Still, a few fireflies followed us in. Noticing them before I did, Billy whispered,
"It's no use grandpa, the misquitoes are coming after us with flashlights."

[Oregonian]

My grandson called the other day to wish me a Happy Birthday. He asked me how old I was, and I told "62." He was quiet for a moment, And then he asked, "did you start at 1?"

[Joseph]

A little girl was dilligently pounding away on her grandfather's word processer. She told him she was writing a story. "What is it about?" he asked. "I don't know," she replied, "I can't read."

That's what always got me about the ads for Hooked on Phonics. "Just dial 1-800-ABCDEFG."

How do I do that if I can't effing read?!!

Joseph

[Mike C.]

From the man's pointof view.....

Adam was walking around the garden of Eden, moping. God asked him, "What is wrong with you?" Adam replied that he was lonely and didn't have anyone to talk to.

God said that He was going to make Adam a companion and that it would be a woman. He said, "This person will gather food for you, cook for you, and when you discover clothing, she will wash it for you. She will always agree with every decision you make. She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. She will not nag you and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement. She will never have a headache and will freely give you love and passion whenever you need it."

Adam asked God, "What will this 'woman' cost?"

God replied, "That will cost you an arm and a leg."

Adam thought a moment and asked, "What can I get for a rib?"

[Mike C.]

From the woman's point of view.....


After three weeks in the Garden of Eden, God came to visit Eve. "So, how is everything going?" he asked.

"It is all so beautiful, God," she replied. "The sunrises and sunsets are breathtaking, the smells, the sights, everything is wonderful, but I have just one problem. It is these breasts you have given me. The middle one pushes the other two out and I am constantly knocking them with my arms, catching them on branches and snagging them on bushes. They are a real pain," reported Eve.

Eve went on to tell God that since many other parts of her body came in pairs, such as her limbs, eyes, ears, etc...she felt that having only two breasts might leave her body more "symmetrically balanced," as she put it.

"That is a fair point," replied God, "But it was my first shot at this, you know. I gave the animals six breasts, so I figured that you needed only half of those, but I see that you are right. I will fix it up right away."

And God reached down, removed the middle breast and tossed it into the bushes.

Three weeks passed and God once again visited Eve in the Garden of Eden. "Well, Eve, how is my favorite creation?"

"Just fantastic," she replied, "But for one oversight on your part. You see, all the animals are paired off. The ewe has a ram and the cow has her bull. All the animals have a mate except me. I feel so alone."

God thought for a moment and said, "You know, Eve, you are right. How could I have overlooked this? You do need a mate and I will immediately create a man from a part of you...Now let's see... where did I put that useless boob?"

[Oregonian]

i didn't know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet, so I decided to test her. I would point something and ask her what color it was. She would tell me and was always right. It was fun for me, so I continued. At last she headed for the door and said, "Grandma I think you should try to figure out some of these yourself.

[Mike C.]

Your Government in Action......

A Department of Water representative stopped at a farm and talked with an old farmer. He told the farmer, 'I need to inspect your farm for your water allocation.' The old farmer said, 'OK , but don't go in that field over there.'

The Water representative said, 'Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me. See this card? The card means I am allowed to go WHEREVER I WISH on any agricultural land. No questions asked or answered. Have I made myself clear? Do you
understand?'


The old farmer nodded politely and went about his farm chores. Later, the old farmer heard loud screams and saw the Water Rep running for the fence and close behind was the farmer's huge-horned prize bull. The bull was gaining on the Water Rep with every step. The Rep was clearly terrified, so the old farmer immediately threw down his tools,
ran to the fence and shouted out..... 'Your card! Your card! Show him your card!

[Mike C.]

Revenge.....

She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes,

crates and suitcases.



On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her

things.



On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful

dining room table by candle-light, put on some soft background

music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a

bottle of spring-water.



When she had finished, she went into each and every room and

deposited a few half-eaten shrimp shells, dipped in caviar, into

the hollow of the curtain rods.



She then cleaned up the kitchen and left. When the husband

returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few

days.



Then slowly, the house began to smell.



They tried everything; cleaning, mopping and airing the place

out.



Vents were checked for dead rodents and carpets were steam

cleaned.



Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were

brought in to set off gas canisters, during which they had to

move out for a few days and in the end they even paid to replace

the expensive wool carpeting. Nothing worked.



People stopped coming over to visit.



Repairmen refused to work in the house.



The maid quit.



Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided

to move.



A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they

could not find a buyer for their stinky house.



Word got out and eventually even the local realtors refused to

return their calls.

Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank

to purchase a new place.



The ex-wife called the man and asked how things were going.



He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely

and said that she missed her old home terribly and would be

willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting

the house back.



Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he

agreed on a price that was about 1/10th of what the house had

been worth, but only if she were to sign the papers that very

day.



She agreed and within the hour his lawyers delivered the

paperwork.



A week later the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they

watched the moving company pack everything to take to their

new home.........



And to spite the ex-wife, they even took the curtain rods.