Humor of the Day

Things that don't fit anywhere else...

Postby Oregonian » Mon Apr 07, 2008 3:25 am

Children's logic: "Give me a sentence about a public servent," said the teacher. A small boy wrote: "The fireman came down the ladder pregnant." The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. "Don't you know what pregnant means?" she asked. "Sure," said the young boy confidently, "It means carrying a child." :rofl:
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Postby sforrest » Mon Apr 07, 2008 12:21 pm

A farmer named Seamus had a car accident.



In court, the lorry company's hot-shot solicitor was
Questioning Seamus.



'Didn't you say to the Police at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?' asked the solicitor.



Seamus responded: 'Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favourite cow, Bessie, into the...'



'I didn't ask for any details', the solicitor interrupted. 'Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?'



Seamus said, 'Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road....'



The solicitor interrupted again and said, 'Your Honour, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the police on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident, he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud.



Please tell him to simply answer the question.'



By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Seamus's answer and said to the solicitor: 'I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favourite cow, Bessie'.



Seamus thanked the Judge and proceeded. 'Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favourite cow, into the trailer and was driving her down the road when this huge lorry and trailer came through a stop sign and hit my trailer right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurt, very bad like, and didn't want to move.



However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident, a policeman on a motorbike turned up. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.



Then the policeman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, 'How are you feeling?'



'Now what the *bleep* would you say?'
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Postby bobhenry » Mon Apr 07, 2008 12:58 pm

Oregonian wrote:My grandson called the other day to wish me a Happy Birthday. He asked me how old I was, and I told "62." He was quiet for a moment, And then he asked, "did you start at 1?" :lol:


This post flashed back a 30 + year old memory. I was a mechanic and wrecker driver in a busy 4 bay service station. The owner a distinguished 60+ gentleman worked on the books early AM and wandered out generally before noon. On this particular day I had my 4 year old daughter with me as I was just stopping in on my day off for gas and when Christy saw Mr. Goodnight she ran over and greeted him as she had several other times. First thing out of her mouth was " Guess what tomorrow is Mr. Goodnight " without missing a beat he squatted down and said it my birthday, why? With a totaly dumbfounded look she put her hands on her hips and said "NO IT'S MY BIRTHDAY" . Mr Goodnight insisted it was his birthday and took out his license to prove it. She turned to me and ask " Daddy is that right?" I glanced at his license and confirmed yes tomorrow is Mr Goodnight's birthday. Oh so serious she stared at my boss and said " Does that mean we are the same age ? He just smiled and said Honey if only I was that lucky to be your age again.
Growing older but not up !
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Postby DSBoring » Mon Apr 07, 2008 2:14 pm

A set of jumper cables walk into a bar and asks for a beer. The bartender says "OK, but you better not start anything'" :beer: !"
Last edited by DSBoring on Thu Apr 17, 2008 3:54 am, edited 1 time in total.
My Grandpa always said "Boring is a name, not a condition"
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Postby DSBoring » Mon Apr 07, 2008 2:36 pm

A man driving down a dirt road came to a large puddle. No way to get around it. He had to drive through it. Still not knowing how deep it was, he was a little uneasy about it. He looks around and sees a farmer sitting on his front porch watching the whole thing. The man asks the farmer if it is OK to drive through the puddle. The farmer told the man he should be just fine. So the man gets in his car and begins to drive through the puddle. The man bails out of his car just in time to see his taillights disappear into the large puddle. Frustrated. The man yells at the farmer "I thought you said it was OK to drive through the puddle?!" The shocked farmer replys, "I don't understand" Pointing to his chest " It only comes up to here on the ducks." :roll:
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Postby Oregonian » Mon Apr 07, 2008 10:43 pm

When my grandson asked me how old that I was, I teasingly replied," I'm not sure." " Look in your underware Grandpa," he advised. "mine says I 'm four to six." :rofl: :thumbs up1: :rofl2: :grouch day1:
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Postby Oregonian » Sat Apr 12, 2008 9:38 pm

For us "older" people, I was thinking starting a fitness class and calling it
"Pumping Rust" :thinking:
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Postby DSBoring » Sat Apr 12, 2008 11:30 pm

Living in Oregon, everything we do involves rust. :beautiful:
My Grandpa always said "Boring is a name, not a condition"
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Postby Oregonian » Sun Apr 13, 2008 12:42 am

Boy you got that right. Yours is lower valley rust, and mine is mountain rust. :snowstorm:
Bruce :SG JSC
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Postby Oregonian » Sun Apr 13, 2008 12:49 am

Why do they put pictures of criminals in the post office??? What are we supposed to do... write to these people??? Why don't they just put their pictures on postage stamps so the mailcarriers could look for them while they deliver the mail??? Or better yet, arrest them while they are taking their pictures! :R
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Postby DSBoring » Sun Apr 13, 2008 1:55 am

"Mountain Rust" That kind of sounds like a color or maybe a name of a cheap wine. :lol:
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Postby DSBoring » Sun Apr 13, 2008 1:58 am

"Lower Valley Rust" That kind of sounds more like a medical condition!! :oops: :lol:
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Postby Oregonian » Sun Apr 13, 2008 10:45 am

Cheap wine---- Thunderbird! :lol:
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Postby Oregonian » Wed Apr 16, 2008 8:27 pm

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older. Then it dawned on me, they were CRAMMING for their finals. As for me, I'm just hoping God grades on the curve. :worship:
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Postby Bob Olszewski » Fri Apr 18, 2008 12:23 pm

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes,and said, 'I would like to buy some cyanide.'

The pharmacist asked, 'Why in the world do you need cyanide?'
The lady replied, 'I need it to poison my husband.'

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed, 'Lord have mercy!
I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband.
That's against the law! I'll lose my license!
They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen.
Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!'

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, 'Well now, that's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription.'
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