Humor of the Day

[Oregonian]

I was thinking about old age and decided that old age is 'when you still have something on the ball, but you are just to tired to bounce it'.

[Mike C.]

*** A little light-hearted genealogy ***

A little girl asked her mother, 'How did the human race appear?'

The mother answered, 'God made Adam and Eve and they had children
and so was all mankind made.'

Two days later the girl asked her father the same question.

The father answered, 'Many years ago there were monkeys from which
the human race evolved.'

The confused girl returned to her mother and said, 'Mom, how is it
possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and
Dad said they developed from monkeys?'

The mother answered, 'Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you
about my side of the family and your father told you about his.'

[halfdome, Danny]

John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual
Gimmick. His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him
To change.


One day, John came home with another one of his unusual purchases.
It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector.

It was just about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11 year old son
Returned home from school. Tommy was over 2 hours late.

'Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting
Home?', they asked.

'Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit
Project said Tommy.

The Robot then walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking
Him completely out of his chair.

'Son, this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you went
After school.'

'We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie.'

'What did you watch?' asked Marsha.

'The Ten Commandments.' answered Tommy.

The Robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking
Him off his chair.

With lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, 'I am sorry I lied.

We really watched a tape called Sex Queen.'

'I'm ashamed of you Son,' said John. 'When I was your age, I never lied to my parents.'

The robot then walked around to John and delivered a roundhouse
Right that nearly knocked him out of his chair.

Marsha was bent double laughing, almost in tears. 'Boy, did you
Ever ask for that one!

And you can't be too mad with Tommy. After all, He is your son!'



The Robot immediately walked around to Marsha, and slapped her
Three times

[Boodro]

For the Pet lovers!


PET RULES

To be posted VERY LOW on the refrigerator door - snout height.

Dear Dogs and Cats, The dishes with the paw prints are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food.

Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate of food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that

aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king-sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.

For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not

necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years --canine or feline attendance is not mandatory.

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough!

To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following message on our front door:

To All Non-Pet Owners Who Visit & Like to Complain About Our Pets

1. They live here. You don't.

2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. (That's why they call it "fur"niture.)

3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.

4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son /daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.

Remember: Dogs and cats are better than kids because they:

1. Eat less

2. Don't ask for money all the time

3. Are easier to train

4. Usually come when called

5. Never drive your car

6. Don't hang out with drug-using friends

7. Don't smoke or drink

8. Don't worry about having to buy the latest fashions

9. Don't wear your clothes

10. Don't need a gazillion dollars for college, and

11. If they get pregnant, you can sell their children.

[Boodro]

How to Shower
HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A WOMAN:

Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks.

Walk to bathroom wearing long robe. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

Look at your womanly physique in the mirror -- make mental note to do more sit-ups/leg-lifts, etc.

Get in the shower. Use wash cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.

Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.

Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.

Condition your hair with grapefruit mint co nditioner.

Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.

Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.

Rinse conditioner off hair.

Shave armpits and legs.

Rinse off.

Turn off shower.

Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.

Spray mold spots with Tilex.

Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small country.

Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.

Return to bedroom wearing long robe and towel on head.

If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A MAN:



Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and l eave them in a pile.

Walk naked to the bathroom.

If you see wife along the way, shake wiener at her making the woo-woo sound.

Look at your manly physique in the mirror.

Admire the size of your wiener and scratch your butt.

Get in the shower. Wash your face. Wash your armpits.

Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.

Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.

Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.

Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs stuck on the soap.

Wash your hair. Make a Shampoo Mohawk.

Pee.

Rinse off and get out of shower.

Partially dry off.

Fail to notice the water on floor because curtain was hanging out of tub the whole time.

Admire wiener size in mirror again.

Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, and light and fan on .

Return to bedroom with towel around waist.

If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake wiener at her and make the woo-woo sound again.

Throw wet towel on bed.

If there is anyone who did not laugh at the truth behind this, there is something SO very wrong with you. Have a great day... and woo woo!!!

[halfdome, Danny]

25 REASONS I OWE MY MOTHER
And I remember every one of them!!


1. My mother taught me: TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE .
'If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning.'

2. My mother taught me: RELIGION.
'You better pray that will come out of the carpet.'

3. My mother taught me: TIME TRAVEL .
'If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of
next week!'

4. My mother taught me: LOGIC
' Because I said so, that's why.'

5. My mother taught me: MORE LOGIC .
'If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to
the store with me.'

6. My mother taught me: FORESIGHT.
'Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident.'

7. My mother taught me: IRONY
'Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about.'

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS
'Shut your mouth and eat your supper.'

9. My mother taught me:CONTORTIONISM.
'Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!'

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
'You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone.'

11. My mother taught me: WEATHER .
'This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it.'

12. My mother taught me:HYPOCRISY.
'If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!'

13 My mother taught me: THE CIRCLE OF LIFE.
'I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.'

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
'Stop acting like your father!'

15. My mother taught me: ENVY.
'There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do.'

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
'Just wait until we get home.'

17. My mother taught me: RECEIVING .
'You are going to get it when you get home!'

18. My mother taught me: MEDICAL SCIENCE.
'If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that
way.'

19. My mother taught me: ESP.
'Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?'

20. My mother taught me: HUMOR.
'When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me.'

21. My mother taught me: HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT .
'If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up.'

22.My Mother taught me: Genetics
'I swear you're just like you father.'

23. My Mother taught me about my Roots.
'Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?'

24. My Mother taught me: Wisdom
'When you get to be my age, you'll understand.'

25. And my favorite: My mother taught me about Justice
'One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you

[Bob Olszewski]

A man and woman had been married for more than 60 years. They had shared everything. They had talked about everything. They had kept no secrets from each other except that the little old woman had a shoe box in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about.
For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but one day the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not recover.
In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took down the shoe box and took it to his wife's bedside.
She agreed that it was time that he should know what was in the box. When he opened it, he found two crocheted dolls and a stack of money totaling $95,000.
He asked her about the contents. 'When we were to be married,' she said, ' my grandmother told me, the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doll.'
The little old man was so moved; he had to fight back tears. Only two precious dolls were in the box. She had only been angry with him two times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with happiness.
'Honey,' he said, 'that explains the doll, but what about all of this money? Where did it come from?'

'Oh,' she said, 'that's the money I made from selling the dolls.'

A Prayer.......

Dear Lord, I pray for Wisdom to understand my man;
Love to forgive him;
And Patience for his moods;
Because Lord, if I pray for Strength,
I'll beat him to death, because I don't know how to crochet.

[halfdome, Danny]

"Womens Bathroom Humor"

[Oregonian]

Employment application blanks always ask who is to be notified in case of an emergency.

I think you should put "A good doctor!"

[Oregonian]

It was a small town and the patrolman was making his evening rounds.

As he was checking a used car lot, he came upon two old ladies sitting in a used car.

He stopped and asked them why they were sitting in the car, Were they trying to steal it?

'Heavens no, we bought it.'

Then why don't you drive it away.'

'We can't drive.'

'Then why did you buy it.?'

' We were told that if we bought a Used car here that we would get screwed,... so we are just waiting.'

[Joe G]

A car gets a flat on the interstate one day. The blonde driver eases
it over onto the shoulder of the road, carefully steps out of the car
and opens the trunk. She takes out two cardboard men, unfolds them and
stands them at the rear of the vehicle facing oncoming traffic.

The lifelike cardboard men are in trench coats exposing their nude
bodies and private parts to approaching drivers. Not surprisingly, the
traffic becomes snarled and backed up.

It isn't very long before a police car arrives. The officer, clearly
enraged, approaches the blonde of the disabled vehicle yelling,
'What's
going on here?'

'My car broke down, officer' says the woman calmly.

'Well, what the hell are these obscene cardboard pictures doing here
by the road?'
he asks.






'Helllooooooo!!!!' says the blonde. 'Those are my emergency
flashers!'

[Jiminsav]

BEFORE MARRIAGE ....

He: Yes. At last. It's been such a long wait.

She: Do you want me to leave?

He: No! Don't even think about it.

She: Do you love me?

He: Of course! Over and over!

She: Have you ever cheated on me?

He: No! Why are you even asking?

She: Will you kiss me?

He: Every chance I get.

She: Will you hit me?

He: Are you crazy! I'm not that kind of person!

She: Can I trust you?

He: Yes.

She: Darling!




AFTER MARRIAGE....

Simply read from bottom to top.

[Ma3tt]

[t-vicky]

The husband forgets her birthday & she is really mad. She tells him, I will forgive you if you buy me a nice present. I want something that will go from 0 to 260 in 30 seconds when I stand on it and I want it in the driveway in the morning. She got up the next morning & looked out in the driveway & there was her present. New bathroom scales.

[Joe G]

Dispute Between Neighbors - this is a true story...



A city councilman in Utah, Mark Easton, had a beautiful view of the east mountains, until a new neighbor purchased the lot below his house and built a new home.


The new home was 18 inches higher than the ordinances would allow, so Mark Easton, mad about his lost view, went to the city to make sure they enforced the lower roof line ordinance.


The new neighbor had to drop the roof line, at great expense.


Recently, Mark Easton called the city, and informed them that his new neighbor had installed some vents on the side of his home.


Mark didn't like the look of these vents and asked the city to investigate.


When they went to Mark's home to see the vent view, this is what they found...

















here's the rest of the story:
http://www.snopes.com/photos/risque/ventcover.asp