Humor of the Day

[FireLion]

Forgetful Actor...
There was once a great actor who could no longer remember his lines. After many years he finds a theatre where they are prepared to give him a chance to shine again.



The director says, "This is the most important part, and it has only one line. You walk on to the stage at the opening carrying a rose. You hold the rose to your nose with just one finger and thumb, sniff the rose deeply and then say "Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress.

"

The actor is thrilled. All day long before the play he practices his line over and over again.



Finally, the time came. The curtain went up, the actor walked onto the stage, and using just one finger he delivered the line, "Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress.

"

The theatre erupted.

The audience was screaming with laughter but the director was steaming!

"You bloody fool!" he cried, "You have ruined the play!"

The actor was bewildered, "What happened, did I forget my line?"

"No!" screamed the director.

"You forgot the rose!"

[Oregonian]

I was thinking how a status symbol of today is those cell phones that everyone has clipped onto their belt or purse.
I can't afford one.
So, I am wearing my garage door opener. I also made a cover for my hearing aid and now I have what they call blue tooth, I think.

[Joe G]

This letter was sent to the Principal's office after the school had sponsored a luncheon for the elderly. An old lady received a new radio at the lunch as a door prize and was writing to say thank you.


Dear Safety Harbor Middle School ,

God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent senior citizens luncheon. I am 84 years old and live at the Safety Harbor Assisted Home for the Aged. All of my family has passed away. I am all alone and I want to thank you for your kindness to an old forgotten lady. My roommate is 95 and has always had her own radio; but before I received one, she would never let me listen to hers, even when she was napping.

The other day her radio fell off the nightstand and broke into a lot of pieces. It was awful and she was in tears. She asked if she could listen to mine, and I told her to kiss my ass.

Thank you for that opportunity.

Sincerely,

Edna

[Oregonian]

During a visit to a mental asylum, a visitor asked the director how do you determine whether or not a patient should be admitted. Well, said the director, we fill up a bathtub, then we offer the patient a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket and ask then to empty the tub.
Oh, I understand, said the visitor. A normal person would use the bucket rather than the teacup and teaspoon.
No said the director, a normal person would pull the plug.
Do you want your bad near the window????

[cs_whypt2]

(This is just a joke, I am not pushing any religion on any one, and I don't care what your religious affiliation is, just so long as you don't try to push it on me.)

God Was Busy:



A United States Marine was attending some collegecourses between assignments. He had completed missions in Iraq andAfghanistan. One of the courses had a professor who was an avowedatheist and a member of the ACLU. One day the professor shocked the class when he camein. He looked to the ceiling and flatly stated, 'God, if you arereal, then I want you to knock me off this platform. I'll give you exactly 15 minutes.' The lecture room fell silent. You could hear a pin drop. Ten minutes went by and the professor proclaimed, 'Here I am God. I'm still waiting.' It got down to the last couple of minutes when theMarine got out of his chair, went up to the professor, and cold-cocked him; knocking him off the platform. The professor was out cold. The Marine went back to his seat and sat there, silently. The other students were shocked and stunned and sat there looking on in silence. The professor eventually came to, noticeably shaken, looked at the Marine and asked, 'What the heck is the matter with you? Why did you do that?' The Marine calmly replied, 'God was too busy today protecting America's soldiers who are protecting your right to say stupid stuff and act like an idiot. So, He sent me.'


Dianne

[Oregonian]

Dianne, Hurrah for you and the Marine

[cs_whypt2]

Dianne, Hurrah for you and the Marine

Hehe...it wasn't me, it was just apart of the joke, but yeah, hurrah for the Marine.

Dianne

[Joe G]

THE FINAL EXAM


At a nearby University, there were four sophomores taking chemistry and all of them had an 'A' so far. These four friends were so confident, that the weekend before finals, they decided to visit some friends and have a big party. They had a great time but, after all the hearty partying, they slept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to college until early Monday morning.

Rather than taking the final then, they decided that they would explain to their professor why they missed it. They said that they visited some friends, but on the way back they had a flat tire. As a result, they missed the final. The professor agreed they could make up the final the next day. The guys were excited and relieved. They studied that night for the exam.

The next day the Professor placed them in separate rooms and gave them a test booklet. They quickly answered the first problem worth 5 points.
Cool, they thought! Each one in separate rooms, thinking this was going to be easy... then they turned the page. On the second page was written...

For 95 points: Which tire? _________

[Miriam C.]

Having taught school I can really appreciate this one.

[cs_whypt2]

THE FINAL EXAM


At a nearby University, there were four sophomores taking chemistry and all of them had an 'A' so far. These four friends were so confident, that the weekend before finals, they decided to visit some friends and have a big party. They had a great time but, after all the hearty partying, they slept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to college until early Monday morning.

Rather than taking the final then, they decided that they would explain to their professor why they missed it. They said that they visited some friends, but on the way back they had a flat tire. As a result, they missed the final. The professor agreed they could make up the final the next day. The guys were excited and relieved. They studied that night for the exam.

The next day the Professor placed them in separate rooms and gave them a test booklet. They quickly answered the first problem worth 5 points.
Cool, they thought! Each one in separate rooms, thinking this was going to be easy... then they turned the page. On the second page was written...

For 95 points: Which tire? _________

That













SUCKS

But, I wish my teachers would be more like that. I am in a Native American history class and for extra credit, last week you could have stood up in front of class and given an oral report on a topic for 10 minutes. This week the final project is due (it is due tomorrow, and I still have to type it.) The teacher said be prepaired to give the presentation last week in you wanted the extra credit. This class runs from 6:30 to 9:30 PM. We were supposed to take our test and leave. Easy night. Well, I gave my presentation and this couple gave their presentation, but when the teacher asked who was next no one spoke up. They all said that they would be ready for next week. So that means I was prepaired like I was supposed to be, but because the rest of my class mates can't figure out what a deadline is, I have to sit in class until 10pm listening to their half -as... projects that were supposed to be done tomorrow.

By the way, the correct answer to the joke is The Flat One.


Dianne

[Oregonian]

The teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses.
She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks they are stupid, stand up!"
After a few seconds, Little Butch stood up.
The teacher said,"Do you think that you are stupid?" "No ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!'

[mydogsbear]

Could You Have Passed the 8th Grade in 1885?


In 1885 the 8th grade was considered upper level education. Many children quit school as soon as they could master the basic fundamentals of the 3 R's (reading, writing and arithmetic). Most never went past the 3rd or 4th grade. That's all you needed for the farm and most city jobs. Child labor laws were not in existence. Additionally today's education has much more focus on technology and sociology than the grammar and geography of old. It's a different world with different requirements and capabilities needed to succeed.

This is the eighth-grade final exam from 1885 from Salina, KS. It was taken from the original document on file at the Smoky Valley Genealogical Society and Library in Salina, KS and reprinted by the Salina Journal.


8th Grade Final Exam: Salina, KS - 1885

Grammar (Time, one hour)

1. Give nine rules for the use of Capital Letters.
2. Name the Parts of Speech and define those that have no
modifications.
3. Define Verse, Stanza and Paragraph.
4. What are the Principal Parts of a verb? Give Principal Parts of do, lie, lay and run.
5. Define Case, Illustrate each Case.
6. What is Punctuation? Give rules for principal marks of Punctuation.
7 - 10. Write a composition of about 150 words and show therein that you understand the practical use of the rules of grammar.

Arithmetic (Time, 1.25 hours)

1. Name and define the Fundamental Rules of Arithmetic.
2. A wagon box is 2 ft. deep, 10 feet long, and 3 ft. wide. How many bushels of wheat will it hold?
3. If a load of wheat weighs 3942 lbs., what is it worth at 50 cts. per bu., deducting 1050 lbs. for tare?
4. District No. 33 has a valuation of $35,000. What is the necessary levy to carry on a school seven months at $50 per month, and have $104 for incidentals?
5. Find cost of 6720 lbs. coal at $6.00 per ton.
6. Find the interest of $512.60 for 8 months and 18 days
at 7 percent.
7. What is the cost of 40 boards 12 inches wide and 16 ft. long at $20 per m?
8. Find bank discount on $300 for 90 days (no grace) at 10 percent.
9. What is the cost of a square farm at $15 per acre, the distance around which is 640 rods?
10. Write a Bank Check, a Promissory Note, and a Receipt.

U.S. History (Time, 45 minutes)

1. Give the epochs into which U.S. History is divided.
2. Give an account of the discovery of America by Columbus.
3. Relate the causes and results of the Revolutionary War.
4. Show the territorial growth of the United States.
5. Tell what you can of the history of Kansas.
6. Describe three of the most prominent battles of the Rebellion.
7. Who were the following: Morse, Whitney, Fulton, Bell, Lincoln,Penn, and Howe?

8. Name events connected with the following dates: 1607, 1620, 1800,1849, and 1865?

Geography (Time, one hour)

1. What is climate? Upon what does climate depend?
2. How do you account for the extremes of climate in Kansas?
3. Of what use are rivers? Of what use is the ocean?
4. Describe the mountains of N.A.
5. Name and describe the following: Monrovia, Odessa,Denver,
Manitoba, Hecla, Yukon, St. Helena, Juan Fermandez, Aspinwall and Orinoco.
6. Name and locate the principal trade centers of the U.S.
7. Name all the republics of Europe and give capital of each.
8. Why is the Atlantic Coast colder than the Pacific in the same latitude?
9. Describe the process by which the water of the ocean returns to the sources of rivers.
10. Describe the movements of the earth. Give inclination of the earth.
[

[Joe G]

This is a prank my friend pulled on his neighbor back in 1965. The names have been changed to protect the innocent (and the guilty).

In the '60s, the VW ads touted the excellent fuel mileage of the Beetle, which led my friend's neighbor, Bill to purchase one.

Bill was very proud of his new purchase, and was quite eager to see if the fuel mileage would meet his high expectations.

At the time, My friend, Al had a '64 Country Squire station wagon, a real gas hog, and Bill was a bit smug about how much less gas his new car would use than Al's. So Al decided to pull a little prank on Bill.

Every night for the first two weeks, Al would sneak over to Bill's driveway and pour a gallon of gas into Bill's Beetle.

After about a week of commuting to work, the gas gauge was still hovering around the full mark, so Bill suspected his gas gauge was defective. He brought it to to the gas station to top it off, and much to his surprise, the tank really was full.

Bill calculated the fuel mileage and found he was getting over 50 MPG! He was so excited that he told everyone about it. Al continued to secretly add a little gas to Bill's tank every night for another week.

The whole next week, Bill would tell Al about his extraordinary fuel mileage every day, telling him that he was getting over 100 MPG.

Finally, Al said that he should bring it back to the VW dealer to have them check it out, suggesting that the manufacturer must have accidentally stumbled upon some kind of technological breakthrough in fuel mileage.

Bill agreed and brought it back to the dealer who told him there was nothing out of the ordinary with the car, and he must be miscalculating his fuel mileage.

Bill was both disappointed and offended at the dealers remarks.
After that, Al discontinued his secret refueling operations, and thus the fuel mileage began to drop.

Bill suspected that the dealer had switched carburetors on his car, but was so disgusted with the dealer that he wouldn't confront them about it.

Many years passed and Bill would tell people occasionally about the conspiracy of the 100 MPG carburetor on his VW that the dealer stole from him.

Al would smirk every time he heard Bill tell the conspiracy story, but to this day, has never 'fessed up to the prank.

[looped]

Neg's urban sports and the annoying devil


there are a couple words that are rough but overall good wholesome fun.

[Joseph]

Many years passed and Bill would tell people occasionally about the conspiracy of the 100 MPG carburetor on his VW that the dealer stole from him.

Al would smirk every time he heard Bill tell the conspiracy story, but to this day, has never 'fessed up to the prank.

Now THAT is funny!!

I remember a guy from San Francisco in the 70s. He was in a very long gas line (remember those) and a girl cut in front of him right as he finally got to the pump. He got out of his car, took his locking gas cap off, locked it on her tank and tossed the key down the sewer.

Joseph