Humor of the Day

[Mike C.]

The Old Gas Station - a look back


The service station trade was slow.
The owner sat around,
With sharpened knife and cedar stick.
Piled shavings on the ground.

No modern facilities had they,
The log across the rill
Led to a shack, marked His and Hers
That sat against the hill.

'Where is the ladies restroom, sir?'
The owner leaning back,
Said not a word but whittled on,
And nodded toward the shack.

With quickened step she entered there
But only stayed a minute,
Until she screamed, just like a snake
Or spider might be in it.

With startled look and beet red face
She bounded through the door,
And headed quickly for the car.
Just like three gals before.

She tripped and fell -- got up,
and then in obvious disgust,
Ran to the car, stepped on the gas,
And faded in the dust.

Of course we all desired to know
What made the gals all do
The things they did, and then we found
The whittling owner knew.

A speaking system he'd devised
To make the thing complete,
He tied a speaker on the wall
Beneath the toilet seat.

He'd wait until the gals got set
And then the devilish guy,
Would stop his whittling long enough,
To speak into the mike.

And as she sat, a voice below
Struck terror, fright and fear
'Will you please use the other hole,
We're painting under here

[Muggnz]

for those of us who are not blonde

Sheriff in a small town walks out in the street and sees a blonde cowboy coming down the walk with nothing on but his cowboy hat, gun and his boots, so he arrests him for indecent exposure. As he is locking him up, he asks 'Why in the world are you dressed like this?'
The Cowboy says 'Well it's like this Sheriff... I was in the bar down the road and this pretty little red head asks me to go out to her motor home with her... so I did. We go inside and she pulls off her top and asks me to pull off my shirt... so I did. Then she pulls off her skirt and asks me to pull off my pants... so I did. Then she pulls off her panties and asks me to pull off my shorts... so I did.
Then she gets on the bed and looks at me kind of s e x y and says, 'Now go to town cowboy...'
And here I am.'

[Oregonian]

I was having trouble with my computer so I called Eric, the 11 year old next store whose bedroom looked like mission control and ask him to come over. Eric clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.
As he was walking away, I asked him, 'so what was the problem' he replied, It was the Idtent error. I didn't want to appear stupid, so I asked, 'what is a Idtent error', in case I have to fix it again. Eric grinned. Haven't you heard of the Idtent error before? No I replied. Write it down , said Eric. In think that you will figure it out. So I wrote
I D IO T
I used to like Eric

[Galen]

Two peanuts walk into an alley.

One was assaulted,

peanut.


------------------------------
My favorite bad joke!

[SmokeyBob]

THINGS YOU DON'T HEAR ANYMORE........

Be sure to refill the ice trays, we're going to have company.
Watch for the postman, I want to get this letter to Willie in the mail today
Quit slamming the screen door when you go out !
Be sure and pull the windows down when you leave, it looks like a shower is coming up.

Don't forget to wind the clock before you go to bed.
Wash your feet before you go to bed, you've been playing outside all day barefooted.

Why can't you remember to roll up your britches legs? Getting them caught in the bicycle
chain so many times is tearing them up.
You have torn the knees out of that pair of pants so many times there is nothing left to put a patch on.

Don't you go outside with your school clothes on!
Go comb your hair; it looks like the rats have nested in it all night.
Be sure and pour the cream off the top of the milk when you open the new bottle.
Take that empty bottle to the store with you so you won't have to pay a deposit on another one.

Put a dish towel over the cake so the flies won't get on it.
Quit jumping on the floor! I have a cake in the oven and you are going to make it fall if you don't quit!
Let me know when the Fuller Brush man comes by, I need to get a few things from him.
You boys stay close by, the car may not start and I will need you to help push it off.

There's a dollar in my purse, get 5 gallons of gas when you go to town.
Open the back door and see if we can get a breeze through here, it is getting hot.

You can walk to the store; it won't hurt you to get some exercise.
Don't sit too close to the TV. It is hard on your eyes.

If you pull that stunt again, I am going to wear you out!
Don't lose that button; I'll sew it back on after awhile.

Wash under your neck before you come to the table, you have beads of dirt and sweat all under there.
Get out from under the sewing machine; pumping it messes up the thread!
Be sure and fill the lamps this morning so we don't have to do that tonight in the dark.

Here, take thi s old magazine to the toilet with you when you go, we are almost out of paper out there.
Go out to the well and draw a bucket of water so I can wash dishes.
Don't turn the radio on now, I want the battery to be up when the Grand Ole Opry comes on.

No! I don't have 10 cents for you to go to the show. Do you think money grows on trees?
Eat those turnips, they'll make you big and strong like your daddy.
That dog is NOT coming in this house! I don't care how cold it is out there, dogs don't stay in the house.

Sit still! I'm trying to get your hair cut straight and you keep moving and it is all messed up.
Hush your mouth! I don't want to hear words like that! I'll wash your mouth out with soap!
It is time for your system to be cleaned out. I am going to give you a dose of castor oil tonight.
If you get a spanking in school and I find out about it, you'll get another one when you get home.

Quit crossing your eyes! They will get stuck that way!
Soak your foot in this pan of kerosene so that bad cut won't get infected.
When you take your driving test, don't forget to signal each turn. Left arm straight out the window
for a left turn; left arm bent up at the elbow for a right turn; and straight down to the side of the
door when you are going to stop.

It's: 'Yes Ma'am!' and 'No Ma'am!' to me, young man, and don't you forget it!

[TheBizMan]

Dear Tech Support:

Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources.

In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Poker Night 10.3, Football 5.0 , Hunting and Fishing 7.5 , and Golf 3.6 were also affected .

I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favorite applications. I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0 , but the uninstall doesn't work on Wife 1.0 . Please help!

Thanks,
Troubled User.....

_____________________________________
REPLY:
Dear Troubled User:

This is a very common problem that men complain about.

Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING!!! It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 7.0 . It is impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files from the system once installed.

You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to not allow this. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under Warnings-Alimony/Child Support. I recommend that you keep Wife 1.0 and work on impro ving the situation. I suggest installing the background application 'Yes Dear' to alleviate software augmentation.

The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE! because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE co mmand before the system will return to normal anyway.

Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance . Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean and Sweep 3.0 , Cook It 1.5 and Do Bills 4.2 .

However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program Nag Nag 9.5 . Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0 !

WARNING!!! DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3 . This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system and can delete all bank account information!

Best of luck,

Tech Support

[Joe G]

Dear Tech Support:
....

[Oregonian]

I was thinking that women should put pictures of their missing husbands on beer cans!!!!!

[Oregonian]

I have gotton the dreaded furniture disease. That's when your chest in falling in your drawers.

[Muggnz]

It's time again for the annual "Stella Awards"! For those unfamiliar with these awards, they are named after 81-year-old Stella Liebeck who spilled hot coffee on herself and successfully sued the McDonald's in New Mexico where she purchased the coffee.
You remember, she took the lid off the coffee and put it between her knees while she was driving. Who would ever think one could get burned doing that, right?
That's right, these are awards for the most outlandish lawsuits and verdicts in the US. You know, the kinds of cases that make you scratch your head. So keep your head scratcher handy.

STELLA AWARDS for the past year:
7TH PLACE:
Kathleen Robertson of Austin , Texas was awarded $80,000 by a jury of her peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was running inside a furniture store. The store owners were understandably surprised by the verdict, considering the running toddler was her own son.

6TH PLACE:
Carl Truman, 19, of Los Angeles , California won $74,000 plus medical
expenses when his neighbour ran over his hand with a Honda Accord. Truman
apparently didn't notice there was someone at the wheel of the car when he
was trying to steal his neighbour's hubcaps.

Go ahead, grab your head scratcher.

5TH PLACE:
Terrence Dickson, of Bristol , Pennsylvania , was leaving a house he had just burglarized by way of the garage. Unfortunately for Dickson, the automatic garage door opener malfunctioned and he could not get the garage door to open. Worse, he couldn't re-enter the house because the door connecting the garage to the house locked when Dickson pulled it shut. Forced to sit for eight, count 'em, EIGHT, days on a case of Pepsi and a large bag of dry dog food, he sued the homeowner's insurance company claiming undue mental Anguish. Amazingly, the jury said the insurance company must pay Dickson $500,000 for his anguish. We should all have this kind of anguish.

Keep scratching. There are more...

4TH PLACE:
Jerry Williams, of Little Rock, Arkansas, garnered 4th Place in the Stella's when he was awarded $14,500 plus medical expenses after being bitten on the butt by his next door neighbour's beagle - even though the beagle was on a chain in its owner's fenced yard. Williams did not get as much as he asked for because the jury believed the beagle might have been provoked at the time of the butt bite because Williams had climbed over the fence into the yard and repeatedly shot the dog with a pellet gun.

Grrrrr... Scratch, scratch.

3RD PLACE:
Third place goes to Amber Carson of Lancaster, Pennsylvania because a jury ordered a Philadelphia restaurant to pay her $113,500 after she slipped on a spilled soft drink and broke her tailbone. The reason the soft drink was on the floor: Ms. Carson had thrown it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during an argument. What ever happened to people being responsible for their own actions?

Scratch, scratch, scratch. Hang in there, there are only two more Stellas to go...

2ND PLACE:
Kara Walton, of Claymont, Delaware sued the owner of a night club in a nearby city because she fell from the bathroom window to the floor, knocking out her two front teeth. Even though Ms. Walton was trying to sneak through the ladies room window to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge, the jury said the night club had to pay her $12,000... oh, yeah, plus dental expenses.

Go figure.

1ST PLACE: (May I have a fanfare played on 50 kazoos please)
This year's runaway First Place Stella Award winner was Mrs. Merv Grazinski, of Oklahoma City, Oklahoma, who purchased a new 32-foot Winnebago motor home. On her first trip home from an OU football game, having driven onto the freeway, she set the cruise control at 70 mph and calmly left the driver's seat to go to the back of the Winnebago to make herself a sandwich. Not surprisingly, the motor home left the freeway, crashed and overturned. Also not surprisingly, Mrs. Grazinski sued Winnebago for not putting in the owner's manual that she couldn't actually leave the driver's seat while the cruise control was set. The Oklahoma jury awarded her, are you sitting down, $1,750,000 PLUS a new motor home. Winnebago actually changed their manuals as a result of this suit, just in case Mrs. Grazinski has any relatives who might also buy a motor home.

[Joseph]

It's time again for the annual "Stella Awards"!

Don't get too worked up over these - they're bogus.

The cruise control story is an urban legend that I first heard in boot camp back in the mid-70s, only then it was an Iranian jet pilot who had the RV.

Joseph

[mandy]

It's time again for the annual "Stella Awards"! For those unfamiliar with these awards, they are named after 81-year-old Stella Liebeck who spilled hot coffee on herself and successfully sued the McDonald's in New Mexico where she purchased the coffee.
You remember, she took the lid off the coffee and put it between her knees while she was driving. Who would ever think one could get burned doing that, right?
g

I remember that lawsuit they found a special bunch of idiots for that jury.

After that verdict I went into that McDonalds and ordered coffee they made me promise to not open it untill I got home.

I got to get a pic of the place, maybe It can become a new tourest site.

Have Fun
Mandy

[dreadcptflint]

The 2007 True Stella Awards Winners
by Randy Cassingham
Issued February 2008

#3: Sentry Insurance Company. The company provided worker's compensation insurance for a Wisconsin "Meals on Wheels" program. Delivering a meal, a MoW volunteer (who was allegedly not even wearing boots) slipped and fell on a participant's driveway that had been cleared of snow, and Sentry had to pay to care for her resulting injuries. Sentry wanted its money back, so it sued the 81-year-old homeowner getting the Meals on Wheels service. It could have simply filed for "subrogation" from her homeowner's insurance company, but by naming her in the action, it dragged an old lady into court, reinforcing the image of insurance companies as concerned only about the bottom line, not "protecting" policyholders from loss.

#2: The family of Robert Hornbeck. Hornbeck volunteered for the Army and served a stint in Iraq. After getting home, he got drunk, wandered into a hotel's service area (passing "DANGER" warning signs), crawled into an air conditioning unit, and was severely cut when the machinery activated. Unable to care for himself due to his drunkenness, he bled to death. A tragedy, to be sure, but one solely caused by a supposedly responsible adult with military training. Despite his irresponsible behavior -- and his perhaps criminal trespassing -- Hornbeck's family sued the hotel for $10 million, as if it's reasonably foreseeable that some drunk fool would ignore warning signs and climb into its heavy duty machinery to sleep off his bender.

But those pale compared to...

The winner of the 2007 True Stella Award: Roy L. Pearson Jr. The 57-year-old Administrative Law Judge from Washington DC claims that a dry cleaner lost a pair of his pants, so he sued the mom-and-pop business for $65,462,500. That's right: more than $65 million for one pair of pants. Representing himself, Judge Pearson cried in court over the loss of his pants, whining that there certainly isn't a more compelling case in the District archives. But the Superior Court judge wasn't moved: he called the case "vexatious litigation", scolded Judge Pearson for his "bad faith", and awarded damages to the dry cleaners. But Pearson didn't take no for an answer: he's appealing the decision. And he has plenty of time on his hands, since he was dismissed from his job. Last we heard, Pearson's appeal is still pending.

[Joseph]

The 2007 True Stella Awards Winners
by Randy Cassingham
Issued February 2008

At least these are true, though it's reasonable to expect that Pearson's appeal will be also thrown out on it's arse.

He's also suing DC to the tune of a million for firing him. He may have a case there - being an idiot seems to be a requirement for being imployed by the District and he certainly is qualified...

Joseph

[looped]

Thought you might like to know. . .

The latest ploy to defeat the Iraqis is to send in a team of Arkansas
Army Special Forces.


Billy Bob, Billy Joe, Billy Ray, Bubba, Boo Boo, Scooter, Slick,
Bucky &
Cooter are being sent in with their 1968 Ford four wheel drive pickup
trucks.

They will be given only the following information about the enemy:
1. There is no limit.
2. The season opened last weekend.
3. They taste like chicken.
4. They don't like women, beer, pickup trucks, country music,
barbecue, or Jesus.
5. They were responsible for Dale Earnhardt's death.










It should be over in about a week.