Humor of the Day

[oklahomajewel]

A duck walks into a bar and asks: "Got any Bread?"

Barman says: "No."

Duck says: "Got any bread?"

Barman says: "No."

Duck says: "Got any bread?"

Barman says: "No, we have no bread."

Duck says: "Got any bread?"

Barman says: "No, we haven't got any bread!"

Duck says: "Got any bread?"

Barman says: "No, are you deaf?! We haven't got any bread, and if you ask me again and I'll nail your dang beak to the bar you irritating dang duck!"

Duck says: "Got any nails?"

Barman says: "No"

Duck says: "Got any bread?

[planovet]

Lena is pregnant with Ole's child. Late one night, Lena vakes Ole and says, I tink it's time!' So Ole fired up the Yohn Deere tractor and took her to the hospital to have their first baby.

She had a little boy, and the doctor looked over at Ole and said, 'A son! Ain't dat great!' Well, Ole got excited by dis, but yust den the doctor spoke up and said, 'Hold on! We ain't finished yet!' The doctor den held up a little girl. He said, 'Hey, Ole! You got you a daughter!' She's a pretty little ting, too.' Ole got kind of puzzled by this, an then the doctor said, 'Holey Moley, Ole we still ain't done yet!' The doctor then delivered another boy and said, Ole, you yust had yourself another boy! Ole was flabbergasted by this news!

A couple days later, Ole brought Lena and their three children home in the self-propelled combine. He was real serious and he asked Lena, 'How come we got tree on the first try?' Lena said, 'You remember dat night we ran out of Vase line and you vent out in the garage and got dat dere 3-in-1 Oil? Ole said, 'Yeah, I do. Uffda! It's a good ting I didn't get the WD-40.

[cccamper]

A duck walks into a bar and asks: "Got any Bread?"

Barman says: "No."

Duck says: "Got any bread?"

Barman says: "No."

Duck says: "Got any bread?"

Barman says: "No, we have no bread."

Duck says: "Got any bread?"

Barman says: "No, we haven't got any bread!"

Duck says: "Got any bread?"

Barman says: "No, are you deaf?! We haven't got any bread, and if you ask me again and I'll nail your dang beak to the bar you irritating dang duck!"

Duck says: "Got any nails?"

Barman says: "No"

Duck says: "Got any bread?

OH, this is almost the same as a joke I 'perform" because it has to be performed for full effect. My duck wants grapes, though. Maybe I"ll still try it if I can find a couple people who have been in Margaritaville for a while next month at LCGIII!

[cccamper]

oh yah! ole and lena, part uf my family tree!

velkommen!

elizabeth (nee Olson)

[planovet]

oh yah! ole and lena, part uf my family tree!

Stay away from the WD-40!

[rbeemer]

Careful might be racy for some

http://mithuro.com/presscuefiles/januar ... goggle.swf

[Muggnz]

These fit so well they should be in a dictionary!!
ADULT: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.
BEAUTY PARLOUR: A place where women curl up and dye.
CANNIBAL: Someone who is fed up with people.
CHICKENS: The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.
COMMITTEE: A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.
DUST: Mud with the juice squeezed out.
EGOTIST: Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.
HANDKERCHIEF: Cold Storage.
INFLATION: Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.
RAISIN: Grape with a sunburn.
SECRET: Something you tell to one person at a time.
SKELETON: A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.
TOOTHACHE: The pain that drives you to extraction.
TOMORROW: One of the greatest labour saving devices of today.
YAWN: An honest opinion openly expressed.

david

[halfdome, Danny]

A new supermarket opened near my house. It has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.

When you pass the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and you experience the scent of fresh mown hay.
In the meat department there is the aroma of charcoal grilled steaks with onions.

When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle, and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.

The bread department features the tantalizing smell of fresh baked bread & cookies.

I don't buy toilet paper there any more…..

[halfdome, Danny]

THIS IS A NONPARTISAN JOKE THAT CAN BE ENJOYED BY BOTH PARTIES! NOT ONLY THAT, IT IS POLITICALLY CORRECT!!



While walking down the street one day a US senator is tragically hit by a truck and dies.


His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.


"Welcome to heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."


"No problem, just let me in," says the man.


"Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity."


"Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven," says the senator.


"I'm sorry, but we have our rules."


And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.


Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, Shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting Rich at the expense of the people.


They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne.


Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go.


Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises...


The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.


"Now it's time to visit heaven."


So, 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.


"Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity."


The senator reflects for a minute, then he answers: "Well, I would Never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell."


So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.


Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage.


He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.


The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder. "I don't understand," stammers the senator. "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?"


The devil looks at him, smiles and says,


"Yesterday we were campaigning. Today you voted."

[Muggnz]

Q: What is the difference between a pigeon and a merchant banker?
A: A pigeon can still put a deposit on a Ferrari.

who'd ever of thought that guano would worth more than it's weight in gold?

Or have such poor taste

[Jiminsav]

A recent study found that the average American male walks about 900 miles a year. Another study found that Americans drink, on average, 22 gallons of alcohol a year. This means that, on average, Americans get about 41 miles to the gallon. Kind of makes you proud to be an American!

[halfdome, Danny]

When Insults Had Class


"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of
the vices I admire." -- Winston Churchill


"I have never killed a man, but I have read many
obituaries with great pleasure." -- Clarence Darrow

"He has never been known to use a word that
might send a reader to the dictionary." -- William
Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)

"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But
this wasn't it." -- Groucho Marx

"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice
letter saying I approved of it." -- Mark Twain

"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by
his friends." -- Oscar Wilde

"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night
of my new play; bring a friend... If you have one."
-- George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill...

followed by Churchill's response:
"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend
second, if there is one." -- Winston Churchill

"I feel so miserable without you; it's almost
like having you here." -- Stephen Bishop

"He is a self-made man and worships his
creator." -- John Bright

"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope
it's nothing trivial." -- Irvin S. Cobb

"He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of
dullness in others." -- Samuel Johnson

"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to
run up." -- Paul Keating

"He had delusions of adequacy." -- Walter Kerr

"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope
without any address on it?" -- Mark Twain

"His mother should have thrown him away and kept
the stork." -- Mae West

"Some cause happiness wherever they go -- others,
whenever they go." - Mae West

Lady Astor once remarked to Winston Churchill at a
dinner party -
"Winston, if you were my husband I would poison your
coffee."

Winston replied - "Madam, if I were your husband, I
would drink it."

[planovet]

Charlie was fixing a door and found that he needed a new hinge, so he sent his wife Mary to Home Depot. At Home Depot, Mary saw a beautiful bathroom faucet while she was waiting for Walt, (the manager) to finish waiting on a customer.

When Walt was finished, Mary asked.. 'How much for that faucet?' Walt replied, 'That's pewter and it costs $300.' My goodness that sure is a lot Mary exclaimed. Then she proceeded to describe the hinge that Charlie had sent her to buy, and Walt went to the back room to find it.

From the back room Walt yelled, 'Mary, you wanna screw for that hinge?'

Mary replied, 'No, but I will for the faucet.'

This is why you can't send a woman to Home Depot.

[campadk]

http://www.palinaspresident.us/ ... but only until Nov 4th!

[halfdome, Danny]

http://www.palinaspresident.us/ ... but only until Nov 4th!

I thought we weren't suppose to get political on this forum. Danny