Thought for the day or Something to think about.

[SmokeyBob]

It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day just exactly fits the newspaper.
~ Jerry Seinfeld

One day, while shaving, Mark Twain cut himself. He recited his entire vocabulary of swear words. His wife, hoping to stun him, repeated all the swear words. Then, Twain turned and said, "You have the words, my dear, but you don't know the tune."

I may be schizophrenic, but at least I have each other!

[SmokeyBob]

He's the kind of a guy who lights up a room just by flicking a switch.

You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you're down there.
- George Burns

Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it, misdiagnosing it and then misapplying the wrong remedies.
- Groucho Marx

[SmokeyBob]

It's easy to identify people who can't count to ten. They are in front of you in the supermarket express lane.
- June Henderson

Any child can tell you that the sole purpose of a middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.
- Dennis Fakes

Instead of giving a politician the keys to the city, it might be better to change the locks.
- Doug Larson

[SmokeyBob]

April 1. This is the day upon which we are reminded of what we are on the other three hundred and sixty-four.
~Mark Twain

I have great faith in fools - self-confidence, my friends call it.
~Edgar Allan Poe

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.
~Will Rogers

I sometimes wonder if the manufacturers of foolproof items keep a fool or two on their payroll to test things.
~ Alan Coren

[SmokeyBob]

The human brain starts working the moment you are born and never stops until you stand up to speak in public.
~George Jessel

I don't have a bank account because I don't know my mother's maiden name.
~Paula Poundstone

My grandmother's ninety. She's dating. He's ninety-three. They're very happy. They never fight. They never argue. They can't hear each other.
~Cathy Ladman

[SmokeyBob]

I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
~Graffiti

The best wings and margaritas in Tucson, Arizona can be found at Chuy's, a chain of Mexican dives.
Their motto, "If our food and service does not meet up to your standards--lower your standards."

Heredity is what sets the parents of a teenager wondering about each other.
~Laurence J. Peter

[SmokeyBob]

Instead of having "answers" on a math test, they should just call them "impressions," and if you've got a different "impression," so what, can't we all be brothers?
~ Jack Handey

Your keyboard is not connected. Press F1 to continue.

Understand it? Why this is so simple a 4 year old child could understand it. Quick, someone run out and get me a 4 year old child.
~ Groucho Marx

[SmokeyBob]

Men are like fine wine. They all start out like grapes, and it's our job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something with which you'd like to have dinner.
~ Janice Trudeau

Laugh and the world laughs with you; snore and you sleep alone.
~ Gelett Burgess

Some people are born on third base and go through life thinking they hit a triple.
~ Barry Switzer

[SmokeyBob]

I put a dollar in one of those change machines. Nothing changed.
~ George Carlin

IRS Auditor: "The trick is to stop thinking of it as 'your' money."

Hokey religions and ancient weapons are no substitute for a good blaster at your side.
~ Han Solo

[SmokeyBob]

I have a rock garden. Last week three of them died.
~Richard Diran

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.
~Henny Youngman

'Who are you and how did you get in here?' 'I'm a locksmith. And, I'm a locksmith.'
~Leslie Nielsen

[SmokeyBob]

Women who seek to be equal with men lack ambition.
~Timothy Leary

Once you've seen your face on a bottle of salad dressing, it's hard to take yourself seriously.
~Paul Newman

Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.
~Groucho Marx

[SmokeyBob]

Relationships are hard. It's like a full-time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay, and before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp.
~ Bob Ettinger

Abstainer: a weak person who yields to the temptation of denying himself a pleasure.
~Ambrose Bierce

Don't you wish there were a knob on the TV to turn up the intelligence? There's one marked 'Brightness,' but it doesn't work.
~Gallagher

[SmokeyBob]

Opportunity knocked. My doorman threw him out.
~Adrienne Gusoff

Some see the glass as half-empty, some see the glass as half-full. I see the glass as too big.
~ George Carlin


The only reason some people get lost in thought is because it's unfamiliar territory.
~ Paul Fix

[SmokeyBob]

A friend is someone who will help you move. A real friend is someone who will help you move a body.

We're not lost. We're locationally challenged.
~ John M. Ford

There are two kinds of people, those who finish what they start and so on.
~ Robert Byrne

[SmokeyBob]

… and that's the world in a nutshell - - an appropriate receptacle.
~ Stan Dunn

The male is a domestic animal which, if treated with firmness, can be trained to do most things.
~ Jilly Cooper

I have decided to live forever, or die in the attempt.
~Joseph Heller