Humor of the Day

[Muggnz]

The Four Cats

Four men were bragging about how smart their cats were.

The first man was an Engineer, the second man was an Accountant, the third man was a Chemist, and the fourth man was a Government employee.

To show off, the Engineer called his cat, 'T-square, do your stuff.'
T-square pranced over to the desk, took out some paper and pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle.
Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.

But the Accountant said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, 'Spreadsheet, do your stuff.'
Spreadsheet went out to the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies.
Everyone agreed that was good.

But the Chemist said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, 'Measure, do your stuff.'
Measure got up, walked to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop into the glass.
Everyone agreed that was pretty good.

Then the three men turned to the Government Employee and said, 'What can your cat do?'
The Government Employee called his cat and said, 'CoffeeBreak, do your stuff.'
CoffeeBreak jumped to his feet.......

ate the cookies........
drank the milk.......
sh*t on the paper.......

screwed the other three cats.......
claimed he injured his back while doing so.......

filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions.......

put in for Workers Compensation............... and
went home for the rest of the day on sick leave............


AND THAT, MY FRIEND IS WHY EVERYONE WANTS TO WORK FOR THE GOVERNMENT!!

[Mike C.]

Little Billy wanted $100 badly and prayed for two weeks but nothing happened.
Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100. When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to God, USA, they decided to send it to President Bush.
The President was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to send Billy a $5.00 bill.
President Bush thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.
Billy was delighted with the $5.00 and sat down to write a thank you note to God, which read:
Dear God,
Thank you very much for sending the money, however, I noticed that for some reason you had to send it through Washington D.C. and, as usual, those crooks deducted $95.00.
Thanks,
Billy

[Mike C.]

FINE
This is the word women use to end an argument when they feel they are right and you need to shut up. Never use "fine" to describe how a woman looks - this will cause you to have one of those arguments.

FIVE MINUTES
This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so it's an even trade.

NOTHING
This means "something," and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with "Fine"

GO AHEAD (With Raised Eyebrows)
This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over "Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine"

GO AHEAD (Normal Eyebrows)
This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care" You will get a "Raised Eyebrow Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off.

LOUD SIGH
This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment, and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing"

SOFT SIGH
Again, not a word, but a non-verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" mean that she is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe, and she will stay content.

THAT'S OKAY
This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you back for whatever it is that you have done. "That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and in conjunction with a "Raised Eyebrow."

GO AHEAD!
At some point in the near future, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble.

PLEASE DO
This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance with the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay"

THANKS
A woman is thanking you. Do not faint. Just say you're welcome.

THANKS A LOT
This is much different from "Thanks." A woman will say, "Thanks A Lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have offended her in some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh." Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh," as she will only tell you "Nothing"

[Muggnz]

Lambo

http://s135.photobucket.com/albums/q135/muggnz/humour/?action=view&current=KiwiRanger.jpg

[oklahomajewel]

Hope this isn't a repeat

********************************


At Saint Mary's Catholic Church they have a weekly husband's marriage seminar. At a session, last week, the Priest asked Luigi, who was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman all these years.

Luigi replied to the assembled husbands, "Well, I've a-tried to treat-a her nice, spend the money on her, but best is that I took-a her to Italy for the 20th anniversary!"

The Priest responded, "Luigi, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here! Please tell us what you are planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary."

Luigi proudly replied, "I'm a-gonna go to get her."

[planovet]

[starleen2]

[Bristol Delica]

A few observations:

Elbow grease will never come in tube.

Dirty fingernails don't make you a man ........... broken fingernails now that makes you a man.

There's no shame in owning no tools ............. just as there's no shame in holding your wife's purse for a minute.

How many tools can a man own ........... don't ask questions with no answers

Never borrow tools. Never ask directions.

Skin care products for men - Oil, brake fluid, lithium grease, blood

No man's legacy should be a heart shaped bird-box

Cold dinner ......... another sign of a job well done.

You can tell how good a power tool is by the size of its warning label.

IanJ

[Muggnz]

Contemporary Latin Phrases:
'Domino vobiscum.' (The pizza guy is here.)
'Sharpei diem.' (Seize the wrinkled dog.)
'Nucleo predicus dispella conducticus.' (Remove foil before microwaving.)
'Bodicus mutilatimus, unemploymi ad infinitum.' (Better take the nose ring out before the job interview.)
'Motorolus interruptus.' (Hold on, I'm going into a tunnel.)
'Revelare Pecunia!' (Show Me The Money!)
'Sic semper tyrannus.' (Your dinosaur is ill.)
'No Quid Pro Quo.' (I'm Sorry, We're All Out of Quid.)
'Veni, Vidi, Velcro.' (I came; I saw; I stuck around.)

[starleen2]

For those who speed on the highway - a few hymns:
45mph....................God Will Take Care of You
55mph....................Guide Me, O Thou Great Jehovah
65mph....................Nearer My God To Thee
75mph....................Nearer Still Nearer
85mph....................This World Is Not My Home
95mph....................Lord, I'm Coming Home
Over 100mph..........Precious Memories

[Nitetimes]

*The little red hin called all of her Democrat neighbors
together and said, 'If we plant this wheat, we shall have bread
to eat. Who will help me plant it?**'*

* 'Not I,' said the cow.*


* 'Not I,' said the duck.*


*'Not I,' said the pig.*


*'Not I,' said the goose.*


*'Then I will do it by myself,' said the little red hen, and
so she did. The wheat grew very tall and ripened into
golden grain.*


*'Who will help me reap my wheat?' asked the little red hen.*

*'Not I,' said the duck..*


*'Out of my classification,' said the pig.*


*'I'd lose my seniority,' said the cow.*


*'I'd lose my unemployment compensation,' said the goose.*


*'Then I will do it by myself,' said the little red hen, and
so she did.*


*At last it came time to bake the bread. 'Who will help me
bake the bread?' asked the little red hen.*


*'That would be overtime for me,' said the cow.*


*'I'd lose my welfare benefits,' said the duck.*


*'I'm a dropout and never learned how,' said the pig.*


*'If I'm to be the only helper, that's discrimination,' said
the goose.*


*'Then I will do it by myself,' said the little red hen.*


*She baked five loaves and held them up for all of her
neighbors to see. They wanted some and, in fact, demanded a
share. But the little red hen said, 'No, I shall eat all five
loaves.'*


*'Excess profits!' cried the cow. (Nancy Pelosi)*


*'Capitalist leech!' screamed the duck. (Barbara Boxer)*


*'I demand equal rights!' yelled the goose. (Jesse Jackson)*


*The pig just grunted in disdain. (Ted Kennedy)*


*And they all painted 'Unfair!' picket signs and marched
around and around the little red hen, shouting obscenities.*


*Then the farmer (Obama) came. He said to the little red hen,
'You must not be so greedy.'*


*'But I earned the bread,' said the little red hen.*


*'Exactly,' said Barack the farmer. 'That is what makes our
free enterprise system so wonderful. Anyone in the barnyard
can earn as much as he wants. But under our modern government
regulations, the productive workers must divide the fruits of
their labor with those who are lazy and idle.'*


*And they all lived happily ever after, including the little
red hen, who smiled and clucked, 'I am grateful, for now I
truly understand.'*


*But her neighbors became quite disappointed in her. She never
again baked bread because she joined the 'party' and got her
bread free. And all the Democrats smiled. 'Fairness' had been
established.*


*Individual initiative had died, but nobody noticed; perhaps
no one cared...so long as there was free bread that 'the rich'
were paying for. Unfortunately, the rich were no longer rich
because all their funds had been redistributed and the whole
damn world starved.*


*IS THIS A GREAT BARNYARD OR WHAT?*

[doug hodder]

And none of the barnyard animals listened to Chicken Little when he said that the sky was falling....this time it really did...Doug

[Nitetimes]

And none of the barnyard animals listened to Chicken Little when he said that the sky was falling....this time it really did...Doug

[Sparksalot]

I knew there was a reason it felt warm today.

[planovet]

A big Texan stopped at a local restaurant following a day roaming around in Mexico.

While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful.

He asked the waiter, 'What is that you just served?'

The waiter replied, 'Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are called Cajones de Toro, bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!'

The cowboy said, 'What the heck, bring me an order.'

The waiter replied, 'I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy.'

The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and that evening was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, inspecting his platter, he called to the waiter and said, 'These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday.'

The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, 'Si, senor. Sometimes the bull wins.'