Humor of the Day

[teardrop_focus]

^ Hahahaha!


While we're on the subject...

Why Condoms Are Packaged in 3s, 6s and 12s:

A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son.They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks,"What are these, Dad? To which the man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called condoms son. Men use them to have safe sex."

"Oh I see," replied the boy pensively. Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school." He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, "Why are there 3 in this package?"

The dad replies, "Those are for high school boys, one for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday."

"Cool" says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and asks, "Then who are these for?"

"Those are for college men," the dad answers, TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday."

"WOW!" exclaimed the boy, "then who uses THESE?" he asks, pickingup a 12 pack. With a sigh, the dad replied, "Those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for March..."

[planovet]

LITTLE GIRL ON A PLANE

A stranger was seated next to a little girl on the
airplane when the stranger turned to her and said,
'Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you
strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.'

The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed
it slowly and said to the stranger, 'What would you
like to talk about?'

'Oh, I don't know,' said the stranger. 'How about
nuclear power?' and he smiles.

OK, ' she said. 'That could be an interesting topic.
But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow,
and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass - . Yet a
deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a
flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried
grass. Why do you suppose that is?'

The stranger, visibly surprised by the little girl's
intelligence, thinks about it and says, 'Hmmm, I have
no idea.'

To which the little girl replies, 'Do you really feel
qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know
s__t?

[planovet]

HAVING MOM OVER FOR DINNER

Brian invited his mother over for dinner. During the course of the meal,
Brian's mother couldn't help but notice how beautiful Brian's roommate,
Jennifer, was. Brian's Mom had long been suspicious of the platonic
relationship between Brian and Jennifer, and this had only made her more
curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she
started to wonder if there was more between Brian and Jennifer than met
the eye.

Reading his mom's thoughts, Brian volunteered, 'I know what you must
be thinking, but I assure you Jennifer and I are just roommates.'

About a week later, Jennifer came to Brian saying, 'Ever since your
mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy
ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?'

Brian said, 'Well, I doubt it, but I'll send her an e-mail just to be sure. So
he sat down and wrote:


Dear Mom,

I'm not saying that you 'did' take the gravy ladle from the house, I'm not
saying that you 'did not' take the gravy ladle. But the fact remains that
one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.


Love, Brian


Several days later, Brian received an email back from his mother that read:


Dear Son,

I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Jennifer, I'm not saying that
you 'do not' sleep with Jennifer. But the fact remains that if Jennifer is
sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now.

Love, Mom


LESSON OF THE DAY - NEVER LIE TO YOUR MOTHER

[High Desert]

good one Mark!

[planovet]

I love the last sentence

[High Desert]

I love the last sentence

a different version of those three little words

[Ivar the Red]

You are 100% Oklahoman if:

1. You can properly pronounce Eufaula, Gotebo, Okemah,Waurika, Weleetka, Wewoka, Wetumka and Chickasha .

2. You think that people who complain about the wind in their states are sissies.

3. A tornado warning siren is your signal to go out in the yard and look for a funnel.

4. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor on the highway.

5. You've ever had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day.

6. You know that the true value of a parking space is not determined by the distance to the door, but by the availability of shade.

7. Stores don't have bags, they have sacks.

8. You see people wear bib overalls at funerals.

9. You think everyone from a bigger city has an accent.

10. You measure distance in minutes. ("I'm about 5 minutes away.")

11. You refer to the capital of Oklahoma as "The City."

12. It doesn't bother you to use an airport named for a man who died in an airplane crash.

13. Little smokies are something you serve only for special occasions.

14. You go to the lake because you think it is like going to the ocean.

15. You listen to the weather forecast before picking out an outfit.

16. You know cow pies are not made of beef.

17. Someone you know has used a football schedule to plan their wedding date. (GO SOONER'S!!!!!)

18. You have kno wn someone who has had one belt buckle bigger than your fist.

19. A bad traffic jam involves two drivers staring each other at a four-way stop, each determined to be the most polite
and let the other go first.

20. You know the difference between the town of "Miam-uh” and the city "Miam-ee".

21. You aren't surprised to find movie rental, ammunition, and bait all in the same store.

22. Your "place at the lake" has wheels under it.

23. A Mercedes Benz is not a status symbol. A Ford F350 4x4 is.

24. You know everything goes better with Ranch. (Mazzio's Ranch)

25. You learned how to shoot a gun before you learned how to multiply.

26. You actually get these jokes and are " fixin" to send them to your friends..

27. Finally, you are 100% Oklahoman if you have ever heard this conversation:


"You wanna Coke?"
"Yeah."
"What kind?"
"Dr. Pepper."

[kajamelu4]

ummmm......I guess I am 100 percent Okie! And proud of it!
But my son and daughter-in-law didn't have to get out the football schedule to plan their weddin'.......we got out the livestock show schedule. No kidding!


Karol

[Mike C.]

Scenario:

You are in the middle of some kind of project around the house--mowing the
lawn, putting a new fence in, painting the living room, or whatever. You are
hot and sweaty, covered in dirt or paint. You have your old work clothes on.
You know the outfit--shorts with the hole in crotch, old T-shirt with a
stain from who knows what, and an old pair of tennis shoes. Right in the
middle of this great home improvement project, you realize you need to run
to Wal-Mart to get something to help complete the job.

Depending on your age you might do the following:

In your 20's:
Stop what you are doing. Shave, take a shower, blow dry your hair, brush
your teeth, floss, and put on clean clothes. Check yourself in the mirror
and flex. Add a dab of your favorite cologne because you never know, you
just might meet some hot chick while standing in the checkout lane. You went
to school with the pretty girl running the register.

In your 30's:
Stop what you are doing, put on clean shorts and shirt. Change shoes. You
married the hot chick so no need for much else. Wash your hands and comb
your hair. Check yourself in the mirror. Still got it. Add a shot of your
favorite cologne to cover the smell. The cute girl running the register is
the kid sister to someone you went to school with.

In your 40's:
Stop what you are doing. Put a sweatshirt that is long enough to cover the
hole in the crotch of your shorts. Put on different shoes and a hat. Wash
your hands. Your bottle of Brute Cologne is almost empty so you don't want
to waste any of it on a trip to Wal-Mart. Check yourself in the mirror and
do more sucking in than flexing. The spicy young thing running the register
is your daughter's age and you feel weird thinking she is spicy.

In your 50's:
Stop what you are doing. Put a hat on, wipe the dirt off your hands onto
your shirt. Change shoes because you don't want to get dirt in your new
sports car. Check yourself in the mirror and you swear not to wear that
shirt anymore because it makes you look fat. The cutie running the register
smiles when she sees you coming and you think you still have it. Then you
remember the hat you have on is from Buddy's Bait & Beer Bar and it says, 'I
Got Worms.'

In your 60's:
Stop what you are doing. No need for a hat anymore. Hose the dog poop off
your shoes. The mirror was shattered when you were in your 50's. You hope
you have underwear on so nothing is exposed by the hole in your shorts. The
girl running the register may be cute, but you don't have your glasses on so
you are not sure.

In your 70's:
Stop what you are doing. Wait to go to Wal-Mart until they have your
prescriptions ready. Don't even notice the dog poop on your shoes. The young
thing at the register smiles at you because you remind her of her
grandfather.

In your 80's:
Stop what you are doing. Start again. Then stop again. Now you remember you
needed to go to Wal-Mart. Go to Wal-Mart and wander around aimlessly trying
to think what the heck it was you were looking for. You went to school with
the old lady who greeted you at the front door and you still think she's a
hot chick. Try to find your car in the parking lot.

[Ivar the Red]

The husband leans over and asks his wife, 'Do
you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you.'

'Yes', she says, 'I remember it well.'

'OK,' he says, 'How about taking a stroll around
there again and we can do it for old time's sake?'

'Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!'

A police officer sitting in the next booth heard
their conversation and, having a chuckle to
himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.

The elderly couple walks haltingly along,

leaning on each other for support aided by

walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his
trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in..

Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen.. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.

The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has
learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.

After about half an hour of lying on the ground
recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.

So, as the couple passes, he says to them,
'Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?'

Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply,
'Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence.'

[Ivar the Red]

Four men were bragging about how smart
their cats were.

The first man was an Engineer,
the second man was an Accountant,
the third man was a Chemist, and
the fourth man was a Government Employee.

To show off, the Engineer called his cat,
'T-square, do your stuff.'

T-square pranced over to the desk,
took out some paper and pen and promptly
drew a circle, a square, and a triangle.
Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.

But the Accountant said his cat could do better.
He called his cat and said,
'Spreadsheet, do your stuff.'

Spreadsheet went out to the kitchen and returned
with a dozen cookies.
He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies.
Everyone agreed that was pretty good!

But the Chemist said his cat could do better.
He called his cat and said,
'Measure, do your stuff.'

Measure got up, walked to the fridge,
took out a quart of milk,
got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard
and poured exactly 8 ounces
without spilling a drop into the glass.

Everyone agreed that was pretty good.
Then the three men turned to the
Government Employee and said,
'What can your cat do?'

The Government Employee called his cat and said,
'Coffee Break, do your stuff.'
Coffee Break jumped to his feet........

ate the cookies........
drank the milk........
sh-t on the paper.......

screwed the other three cats........
filed a claim that he injured his back while doing so........

filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions........

put in for Workers' Compensation................and
went home for the rest of the day on sick leave.

AND THAT, MY FRIEND, IS WHY EVERYONE WANTS TO
WORK FOR THE GOVERNMENT!!

[FireLion]

NEVER CHEAT ON A HILLBILLY WOMAN!



In West Virginia A hillbilly wife came home just in time to
find her husband in bed with another woman. With super-human strength, born of
Fury and frequent cutting firewood, she dragged him down the stairs, out the back door,
And into the tool shed located in the back of the barn. She put
His tally-whacker into a vise and secured it tightly.
Very quickly she removed the handle. Next she picked up an
Old carpenter's saw. The banged up hillbilly husband was
Terrified and kept hollering, "Stop! Stop! Stop!
You're not gonna cut it off with that rusty saw, are you?"
The wife with a gleam of revenge in her eye, put the
Saw in her husband's hand and said, "Nope! I'm
Gonna set this old shed on fire and go into town for a cold
Beer.

You do whatever you want!!!"

[PaulC]

LOST IN TRANSLATION


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------



Wonderful English from Around the World...

In a Bangkok temple:
IT IS FORBIDDEN TO ENTER A WOMAN, EVEN A FOREIGNER, IF DRESSED AS A MAN.

Cocktail lounge, Norway:
LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR.

Doctors office, Rome:
SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES.

Dry cleaners, Bangkok:
DROP YOUR TROUSERS HERE FOR THE BEST RESULTS

In a Nairobi restaurant:
CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE OUGHT TO SEE THE MANAGER.


On the main road to Mombassa, leaving Nairobi:
TAKE NOTICE: WHEN THIS SIGN IS UNDER WATER, THIS ROAD IS IMPASSABLE.

On a poster at Kencom:
ARE YOU AN ADULT THAT CANNOT READ? IF SO WE CAN HELP.

In a City restaurant:
OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK AND WEEKENDS.

In a cemetery:
PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS FROM ANY BUT THEIR OWN GRAVES.


Tokyo hotel's rules and regulations:
GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO SMOKE OR DO OTHER DISGUSTING BEHAVIOURS IN BED.


On the menu of a Swiss restaurant:
OUR WINES LEAVE YOU NOTHING TO HOPE FOR.

In a Tokyo bar:
SPECIAL COCKTAILS FOR THE LADIES WITH NUTS.

Hotel, Yugoslavia:
THE FLATTENING OF UNDERWEAR WITH PLEASURE IS THE JOB OF THE CHAMBERMAID.


Hotel, Japan:
YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE CHAMBERMAID.

In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery:
YOU ARE WELCOME TO VISIT THE CEMETERY WHERE FAMOUS RUSSIAN AND SOVIET COMPOSERS, ARTISTS AND WRITERS ARE BURIED DAILY EXCEPT THURSDAY.

A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest:
IT IS STRICTLY FORBIDDEN ON OUR BLACK FOREST CAMPING SITE THAT PEOPLE OF DIFFERENT SEX, FOR INSTANCE, MEN AND WOMEN, LIVE TOGETHER IN ONE TENT UNLESS THEY ARE MARRIED WITH EACH OTHER FOR THIS PURPOSE.


Hotel, Zurich:
BECAUSE OF THE IMPROPRIETY OF ENTERTAINING GUESTS OF THE OPPOSITE SEX IN THE BEDROOM, IT IS SUGGESTED THAT THE LOBBY BE USED FOR THIS PURPOSE.

Advertisement for donkey rides, Thailand:
WOULD YOU LIKE TO RIDE ON YOUR OWN ASS?

Airline ticket office, Copenhagen:
WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM IN ALL DIRECTIONS.

A laundry in Rome:
LADIES, LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE AND SPEND THE AFTERNOON HAVING A GOOD TIME.

[chorizon]

Never Argue with a Woman

One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book.

Along comes a Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, "Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?"

"Reading a book," she replies, (thinking, "Isn't that obvious?")

"You're in a Restricted Fishing Area," he informs her

"I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading"

"Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."

"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the woman.

"But I haven't even touched you," says the game warden.

"That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment."

"Have a nice day ma'am," and he left.

MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think.[/u]

[teardrop_focus]

I searched back three pages to see if this letter I'm about to post was already been posted... and I saw the LETTER FROM A HILLBILLY.

Anyway... I love my job.

I LOVE MY JOB

This is even funnier when you realize it's real!
Next time you have a bad day at work think of this guy.

Bob is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers inLouisiana

He performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs.

Below is an E-mail he sent to his sister.
She then sent it to radio station 103 .5 on FM dial in Indiana, who was sponsoring a worst job experience contest.

Needless to say, she won.
Read his letter below.


~Hi Sue,

Just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother.
Last week I had a bad day at the office.
I know you've been feeling down lately at work, so I thought I would share my dilemma with you to make you realize it's not so bad after all.
Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a few technicalities of my job.
As you know, my office lies at the bottom of the sea. I wear a suit to the office. It's a wet suit. This time of year the water is quite cool. So what we do to keep warm is this: We have a diesel powered industrial water heater. This $20,000 piece of equipment sucks the water out of the sea. It heats it to a delightful temperature. It then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose, which is taped to the air hose.

Now this sounds like a darn good plan, and I've used it several times with no complaints.
What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is take the hose and stuff it down the back of my wet suit.

This floods my whole suit with warm water.
It's like working in a Jacuzzi.
Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my butt started to itch.
So, of course, I scratched it.

This only made things worse.
Within a few seconds my ass started to burn.
I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was done.
In agony I realized what had happened.
The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit.
Now, since I don't have any hair on my back, the jellyfish couldn't stick to it, however, the crack of my ass was not as fortunate.

When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish into the crack of my ass.

I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator.
His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he, along with five other divers, were all laughing hysterically.
Needless to say, I aborted the dive.

I was instructed to make three agonizing in-water decompression stops totaling thirty-five minutes before I could reach the surface to begin my chamber dry decompression.
When I arrived at the surface, I was wearing nothing but my brass helmet.
As I climbed out of the water, the medic, with tears of laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to rub it on my butt as soon as I got in the chamber.
The cream put the fire out, but I couldn't sh** for two days because my ass was swollen shut.

So, next time you're having a bad day at work, think about how much worse it would be if you had a jellyfish shoved up your ass.
Now repeat to yourself, 'I love my job, I love my job, I love my job.'
Whenever you have a bad day, ask yourself, is this a jellyfish bad day?

May you NEVER have a jellyfish bad day! !!!!