Humor of the Day

[teardrop_focus]

One Day in the Welfare Office

A guy walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check. He marched straight up to the counter and said, "Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job."

The social worker behind the counter said, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter.

You'll have to drive around in his 2009 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips.

This is rather awkward to say, but you will also, as part of your job assignment, have to satisfy her sexual urges. The daughter is still quite young and has a rather strong sex drive.

A two-bedroom loft type apartment with plasma TV, stereo, bar, etc. located above the garage will be designated for your sole use and the salary is $200,000 a year."

The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, " You're bulls*****n' me!"

The social worker said, "Yea, well........... you started it."

[Jiminsav]

whats it called when you have your appendix taken out?

















an Appendectomy.

whats it called when you have your tonsils taken out?
















a tonsillectomy.

so, then, whats it called when Chastity Bono has a sex change operation?
















and ADDADICKTOME.

[High Desert]

A farmer goes to court

A farmer named Clyde had a car accident. In court, the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning Clyde.

"Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,'?" asked the lawyer.

Clyde responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule, Bessie..."

"I didn't ask for any details", the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?"

Clyde said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road....."

The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud.

Please tell him to simply answer the question."

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Clyde's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule, Bessie".

Clyde thanked the Judge and proceeded.

"Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side.
I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting, real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning.
I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her fatal condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.

Then the Patrolman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me and said, "How are you feeling?"

"Now what the hell would you say?"

[gianine]

A skeleton walks into a bar and says: "Give me a beer and a mop"

[planovet]

Redneck fire alarm??

[chorizon]

Redneck fire alarm??

I resemble that remark. Perhaps there may be a kernel of truth to it?

[madjack]

Baptist
Cowboy

A cowboy, who just moved to Wyoming from Texas , walks into a bar
and orders three mugs of Bud. He sits in the back of the room, drinking
a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to
the bar and orders three more.
The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You know, a mug goes
flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time."

The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in
Arizona , the other is in Colorado . When we all left our home in Texas ,
we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank
together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself."

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.

The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way.
He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.

One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take
notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second
round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I
wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."

The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs.

"Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains, "It's just that my wife and I joined the
Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking."

"Hasn't affected my brothers though."


madjack

[teardrop_focus]

"Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains, "It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking."

HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA...




Now THAT's funny.

[bg]

A teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to
tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.

The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their
stories. There were all the regular type stuff, spilled milk and
pennies saved.


But then teacher realized, much to her dismay, that only Ernie was left.
"Ernie, do you have a story to share?"


"Yes ma'am. My daddy told a story about my Aunt Karen. She was a pilot
in Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy
territory and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol and a
survival knife.


She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break and
then her parachute landed right in the middle of twenty enemy troops.
She shot fifteen of them with the gun until she ran out of bullets,
killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she
killed the last enemy with her bare hands."


"Good Heavens," said the horrified teacher. "What kind of moral did
your daddy tell you from this horrible story?"


"Stay the f #@& away from Aunt Karen when she's drinking."

[rowerwet]

bubba and jed are driving thier 18wheeler late one night, they finaly found the road where they have to make the delivery and are looking forward to a few hours of sleep before unloading in the morning. a few miles down the road they see a sign "bridge height 9' 6", they stop and measure the load, it comes to 12', jed says "now what do we do we can't turn around here and I don't want to back up for miles to the last road".
Bubba looks around and says it's the middle of the night, there is no one around, who is gonna know if we just go for it?!

[rowerwet]

A blonde drives out to check on a prize steer her family wants to buy, after settling on the price she drives into town. She goes to the telegraph office and says "I want to sent just one word, comfortable", the guy at the desk says what does that mean?
She explains she came out to look at the bull, if she liked it she was to cable her sister to come with the truck (trying to save gas) and get it. He says but what is "comfortable" going to tell her? She says" shes a blonde so she reads slow"

[rowerwet]

going back to the list of aircraft writups and the posters coments, I am an aircraft mechanic, I have a high school diploma, over 75% of airplane crashes are caused by those college educated pilots, mechanic errors cause less than 10% of crashes.



The airliner is at the gate, the passengers are loaded, the last of the bags are being put onboard, the crew notice a problem and maintenance is called. Knowing that they face the possibility of being late the captain (I hate this kind) decides he has to impress the importance of leaving on time on the mechanic. As soon as the mechanic arrives he starts letting him know how little he thinks of mechanics and how important he is, and that the mechanic should just sign off the plane so they can make the flight on time.
He says" do you know this plane has already boarded all of the passengers, they paid good money to make this flight and if we're late they could miss connecting flights"
"this airline works hard to have the best arrivals on time, we spend more money on maintenance than any other and have the newest equipment, if your department did thier job right you wouldn't have been called here"
"my copilot and I have both got college educations it took us years to get our flight ratings, and between the two of us we have over 25 years of experience"
"In fact do you realize it takes an IQ of over 140 to even fly one of these planes?"
The mechanic (silently working till now) fires back "that's why there's two of ya"
(I don't rate pilots very highly in my book)

[rowerwet]

A ministers son just turned old enough to get his drivers license, he bugs his dad for weeks to get him a car. His dad says "sure cut your hair, start doing more work around the house and I just think a car is possible"
After a few weeks the son is mowing the lawn, doing the trash and even started on a few home projects his dad hasn't had time to get to. So he says to his dad " I am doing quite a bit around the house now, so how about that car?". His dad says "what about the haircut, you know I don't like your hair down to your shoulders". The son says" you know I did some thinking about that and I noticed all the pictures of Jesus show him with long hair, I figure if it was good enough for him, it's good enough for me"
His dad says" jesus walked every where he went"

[rowerwet]

Santa is a pilot, he is most known for his yearly flight, so one christmas eve and FAA pilot examiner shows up to give him a check ride. After reviewing santas medical, his flight logs, his airworthiness paperwork for the sleigh, the whole weight and balance figures for the immense load of gifts, his flight plan, and clearances for all the different countries he visits, the examiner says "ok now I have to go with you to verify your piloting skills". Santa says "no one has ever flown with me before on christmas eve, but I gues I can make an exception just this once"
The FAA examiner climbs up in the sliegh next to santa and gets buckled in, Santa checks the reindeer, does his preflight and climbs in the sleigh, as they head out toward the runway he notices the examiner has a shotgun across his lap! "What is that for!" he roars, the examiner says" I'm not supposed to tell you this, but you're gona lose an engine on take off."

[rowerwet]

A 747 is flying across the ocean, two hours after take off there is a loud bang the plane shakes and then fire comes out of the #1 (far left) engine, the captain comes on the PA and says "ladies and gentleman, we have just lost our #1 engine, we have extinguished the fire and will continue the flight, due to the loss of thrust we will arrive two hours later than schedualed, don't worry though this plane is well designed and can fly on three engines just fine."
An hour later the #4 (far right) engine also bursts into flames, once again the captian comes on and calms the passengers, however another two hours is now added to the flight.
A half hour after that, and now in the middle of the ocean, the #3 engine (inner right) also fails, adding another 2 hours to the flight time.
Two bussiness men in the back the plane have been figuring how to adjust thier plans due to the extra 6 hours they will spend flying, one turns to the other and says " if we loose that last engine we will be up here forever"