Humor of the Day

[planovet]

AN ITALIAN BOY'S CONFESSION


'Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl'.

The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Joey Pagano ?'

'Yes, Father, it is.'

'And who was the girl you were with?'

'I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation'.

"Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?'

'I cannot say.'

'Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?'

'I'll never tell.'

'Was it Nina Capelli?'

'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.'

'Was it Cathy Piriano?'

'My lips are sealed.'

'Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?'

'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.'

The priest sighs in frustration. 'You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself.'

Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, 'What'd you get?'

'Four months vacation and five good leads.'

[planovet]

As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, a lovely looking woman
became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to
the height of the first step of the bus.

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she
reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give
her enough slack to raise her leg. She tried to take the step, only to
discover that she couldn't.

So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to
unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step

Once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg.

With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little
more and again was unable to take the step.

About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her
up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.

She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and yelled, "How
dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!"

The Texan smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree
with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we
was friends."

[teardrop_focus]

A man asks his wife, "What would you do if I won the Lottery?"

"I'd take half, then leave your sorry ass." says the wife.

"Good." says the husband. "I won 12 dollars. Here's 6, now get the f*** out."

[planovet]

A woman had just returned to her home from an evening of church services, when she was startled by an intruder. She caught the man in the act of robbing her home of its valuables and yelled: 'Stop! Acts 2:38!' (Repent and be Baptized, in the name of Jesus Christ , so that your sins may be forgiven.)

The burglar stopped in his tracks. The woman calmly called the police and explained what she had done.

As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the burglar:? 'Why did you just stand there? All the old lady did was yell a scripture to you.'

'Scripture?' replied the burglar.. 'She said she had an Ax and Two 38s!'

[FireLion]

Blondes & Brunettes

Two bowling teams, one of all Blondes and one of all Brunettes, charter a double-Decker bus for a weekend trip to Louisiana.

The Brunette team rode on the bottom of the bus,
and the Blonde team rode on the top level.

The Brunette team down below really whooped it up,

Having a great time, when one of them realized she

hadn't heard anything from the Blondes upstairs.

She decided to go up and investigate.

When the Brunette reached the top, she found all the

Blondes in fear, staring straight ahead at the road,

clutching the seats in front of them with white knuckles.

The brunette asked, 'What is going on up here?

We're having a great time downstairs!'

One of the Blondes looked up at her, swallowed hard

and whispered...

'YEAH, BUT YOU'VE GOT A DRIVER!?!'

[planovet]

A SHORT LOVE STORY

A man and a woman who had never met before, but who were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a Trans-continental train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM , the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying, 'Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold.'

'I have a better idea,' she replied 'Just for tonight let's pretend that we're married.'

'Wow! That's a great idea!', he exclaimed.

'Good,' she replied. 'Get your own damn blanket.'

After a moment of silence, he farted.

[Miriam C.]

Love Making Tips For Seniors





1. Wear your glasses.
TO make sure your partner is actually in the bed.

2. Set timer for 3 minutes,
In case you doze off in the middle.

3. Set the mood with lighting.
(Turn them ALL OFF!)

4. Make sure you put 911 on your speed dial before you begin.

5. Write partner's name on your hand in case you can't remember.

6. Use extra polygrip so your teeth don't end up under the bed.

7. Have Tylenol ready in case you actually complete the act..

8. Make all the noise you want...
The neighbors are deaf too.

9. If it works, call everyone you know with the good news!!

10. Don't even think about trying it twice. .. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

[halfdome, Danny]

New Deodorant

I got this new deodorant and the instructions said….remove cap and push up bottom.

I can barely walk but when I fart it smells amazing.

[caseydog]

CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 24-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A very large pry bar that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle.

Every garage or shop needs a ridiculously large screwdriver with a lifetime warranty.

[Micro469]

http://www.flashfunpages.com/couple.swf

[Chris D]

What do ya call a dead Blonde in the closet?

The 1987 hide and go seek champion.

[tonyj]

There is a medical distinction. We've all heard about people having guts or balls, but do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definitions are listed below:

GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"

BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the balls to say: "You're next, Chubby."

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions. Medically speaking there is no difference in the outcome. Both result in death.

[Chris D]

Now that would take BALLS

[Chris D]

A mans wife and he are in the hospital having a baby.

The baby boy is born just a head ,the man goes through the regular guilt for many years hiding the boy from the world.

On the boys 21st birthday the man says" to hell with it ,were going to the bar"

They walk in he sits the head on the bar and orders 2 shots of JD .The man drinks his and feeds the other to the head Bango! out pops 2 arms and a torso.

The man says hurry give us two more shots. They drink the shots and Bang ! out pops the rest of the boys body. The man says hurry bar keep 2 more shots we are celebrating, my son is finally whole.

They drink the shots and Bang! the boy is just a head on the bar again.
The man screams bar keep what just happened .The bar keep replies I dont know, guess he shoulda quit while he was a HEAD

[bohemian]

Two guys Jack and Pete are off to the golf course to play a few holes. On one of the holes Jack smacked one off to the left and Pete hit one into the woods. Jack found his ball in a patch of buttercups as he tried to hit the ball out he all but destroyed the patch of buttercups. To his surprise mother nature popped out of nowhere totally pissed off that her beautiful buttercups were all destroyed. So she told Jack because of his actions. He would no longer be able to have butter for the rest of his life. and with that puff she was gone.Now Jack being blown away at what just happened started yelling for Pete. Pete where are you. I'm over here next to the pussy willow bushes.(NOOOOOOOOOO)