Humor of the Day

[planovet]

Women Are Evil By Nature...

A woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub...

She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her
immediately. She seductively signaled that he should bring his
face closer to hers.

As he did, she gently caressed his full beard.

"Are you the manager?" she asked, softly stroking his face with
both hands.

"Actually, no," he replied.

"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she said,
running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.

"I'm afraid I can't," breathed the bartender. "Is there anything
I can do?"

"Yes. I need for you to give him a message," she continued,
running her forefinger across the bartender's lip and slyly popping
a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck
them gently.

"What should I tell him?" the bartender managed to say.

"Tell him," she whispered, "There's no toilet paper, hand soap,
or paper towels in the ladies room."

[Chris D]

Right on

Chris D

[starleen2]

A young Irishman sat at a pub in the New World drinking beer and conversin' with the barkeep. Another comes in and sits besides him. He says how you do and hears the lilt and says you be Irish? Yes I am. The first man yells barkeep give us another round and one for my friend here he's from the mother country as well. The second man asks-so where in the old country ye from. Dublin responds the first. Dublin you say - so am I and the second man hollers barkeep bring us another round and a shot of your best Irish Whiskey for me and my friend here. Afterwards the first man asks from where in Dublin and the second man responds with the street and the first man says well I'll be - so am I and yells barkeep another pair of beers and Irish Whiskey for the pair of us. The phone behind the bar rings and the barkeep answers it. The owner of the pub asks - how is business. The barkeep responds - not too bad - The O'Malley twins are here getting drunk again.

[drafter]

This is an old one,

Three guys meet at the golf coarse for their weekly game. After the first six holes, one asked the other how he was sinking these amazing putts. He told them that he bought these new glasses that really helped his game, he continued that with these new glasses he saw a small hole and a large hole. A small ball and a large ball. All he had to do is putt the small ball into the large hole. The following week, everyone had on their new glasses but just before teeing off, one had to use the men's room. He came back to the group with his pants all wet. What happened? ask one of the guys. He said when I was in the bathroom, I saw a big one and a small one, I knew the big one wasn't mine so I put it away.

[sonar37]

THE ANT AND THE GRASSHOPPER

This one is a little different....
Two Different Versions! .................. Two Different Morals!



OLD VERSION: The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter.


The grasshopper thinks the ant is a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.

Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed.

The grasshopper has no food or shelter, so he dies out in the cold.



MORAL OF THE STORY: Be responsible for yourself!



MODERN VERSION:


The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter.


The grasshopper thinks the ant is a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.

Come winter, the shivering grasshopper calls a press conference and demands to know why the ant should be allowed to be warm and well fed while others are cold and starving.


CBS, NBC , PBS, CNN, and ABC show up to provide pictures of the shivering grasshopper next to a video of the ant in his comfortable home with a table filled with food. America is stunned by the sharp contrast.


How can this be, that in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so?

Kermit the Frog appears on Oprah with the grasshopper and everybody cries when they sing, 'It's Not Easy Being Green.'


Acorn stages a demonstration in front of the ant 's house where the news stations film the group singing, 'We shall overcome.' Rev. Jeremiah Wright then has the group kneel down to pray to God for the grasshopper's sake.


Nancy Pelosi & Harry Reid exclaim in an interview with Larry King that the ant has gotten rich off the back of the grasshopper, and both call for an immediate tax hike on the ant to make him pay his fair share.


Finally, the EEOC drafts the Economic Equity & Anti-Grasshopper Act retroactive to the beginning of the summer.


The ant is fined for failing to hire a proportionate number of green bugs and, having nothing left to pay his retroactive taxes, his home is confiscated by the Government Green Czar.


The story ends as we see the grasshopper finishing up the last bits of the ants food while the government house he is in, which just happens to be the ant's old house, crumbles around him because he doesn't maintain it.


The ant has disappeared in the snow.


The grasshopper is found dead in a drug related incident and the house, now abandoned, is taken over by a gang of spiders who terrorize the once peaceful neighborhood.



MORAL OF THE STORY: Be careful how you vote in 2010.

[Gage]

MORAL OF THE STORY: Be careful how you vote in 2010.

Glen Beck for President in 2012.

[sonar37]

I saw this on Saturday Night Live Last night and laughed so hard I criedhttp://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RMLwUItWmYo

[starleen2]

After a heavy night of drinking at the local bar, a drunk stumbles into a Catholic church and slowly makes his way into the confessional booth. There, the priest patiently awaits the man to begin his confession.
After a few minutes of silence, the priest politely taps on the window… nothing. The priest taps again and this time clears his throat a bit… still nothing. At this point the priest begins to lose his patience and bangs on the window.
Finally the dunk yells out… “Ain’t no use knocking, there ain’t no paper over here either!â€

[SmokeyBob]

FROM THE MOUTH OF A CHILD - YOU JUST NEVER KNOW!

A teacher is explaining biology to her 3rd grade students. She says, "Human beings are the only animals that stutter," A little girl raises her hand. saying,"I had a kitty-cat who stuttered."
The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident. "Well,'' she began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!" The teacher exclaimed, "That must've been scary," The little girl said, "It sure was. My kitty raised her back, went 'Sssss, Sssss, Sssss' and before she could say 'sh**,' the Rottweiler ate her!"
The teacher had to leave the room.

[steve smoot]

Does anyone remember Lewis Grizzard from Atlanta? I always thought he was a funny fellow. He would have fit right in our TD&TTT forum...I was reading one of his old books "Elvis is dead And I don't feel so good myself"...well, he told this story that I would like share with everyone here. I'll shorten it up a bit..

This old farmer had these two sows that he wanted to have mated, so he takes them over to his neighbors farm that had a boar hog to have them mated.

The old boar hog got rather excited about his job and there was a lot of gruntin' and oinkin' goin' on. The old farmer ask his neighbor "how will I know this took"? His neighbor says "well, you take a look at them two sows in the mornin' and if they is laying in the sun it took and if they is a laying in the mud, you gonan' need to bring back over here".

Well, the next morning, sure nuff, they was laying in the mud, so the old farmer loads um up and takes back over where the boar has his way with um again'.

The next mornin' the old farmer can't bare to look out the window, so he ask his wife to see if the two sows was a layin' in the sun or layin' in the mud. His wife looks out and says " neither". The farmer says "well, where are they"? The wife says " one of um is riding shotgun in the truck and the other is honkin' the horn".

[robertaw]

Sears Catalog

Two rednecks were looking at a
Sears catalog and admiring the models.

One says to the other,
'Have you seen the beautiful girls in this catalog?'

The second one replies,
'Yes, they are very beautiful.
And look at the price!'
The first one says, with wide eyes,
'Wow, they aren't very expensive.
At this price, I'm buying one.'
The second one smiles and pats him on the back.
'Good idea! Order one and if she's as beautiful
as she is in the catalog, I will get one too.'
Three weeks later,
the youngest redneck asks his friend,
'Did you ever receive the girl you ordered
from the Sears catalog?'
The second redneck replies......

'No, but it shouldn't be long now.
I got her clothes yesterday!'

[planovet]

MAN OF THE HOUSE

A husband had just finished reading a new book entitled,
"You Can Be THE Man of Your House."

He stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced,
"From now on, you need to know that I am the man of
this house and my word is Law. You will prepare me a
gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm done eating my meal,
you will serve me a scrumptious dessert. After dinner,
you are going to go upstairs with me and we will have the
kind of sex that I want! Afterwards, you are going to draw me a
bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and
bring me my robe. Then, you will massage my feet and hands. Then
tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"

The wife replied, "The funeral director would be my first guess."

[High Desert]

a thought for the season...

Diary of a Snow Shoveler

December 8 - 6:00 PM
It started to snow. The first snow of the season and the wife and I took
our cocktails and sat for hours by the window watching the huge soft
flakes drift down from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses print or
a Norman Rockwall print. So romantic we felt like newlyweds again.
I love snow!

December 9
We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch
of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a more lovely
place in the whole world? Moving here was the best idea I've ever had!
Shoveled for the first time in years and felt like a boy again. I did both
our driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon the snowplow came
along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got
to shovel again. What a perfect life!

December 12
The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a disappointment! My
neighbor tells me not to worry- we'll definitely have a white Christmas.
No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says we'll have so much snow by
the end of winter, that I'll never want to see snow again. I don't think
that's possible. Bob is such a nice man, I'm glad he's our neighbor.

December 14
Snow, lovely snow! 8 inches last night. The temperature dropped to -20.
The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but
I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This is the life!
The snowplow came back this afternoon and buried everything again. I
didn't realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling, but I'll
certainly get back in shape this way. I wish l wouldn't huff and puff so.

December 15
20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4 Blazer. Bought snow
tires for the wife's car and 2 extra shovels. Stocked the freezer. The
wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think that's
silly. We aren't in Alaska , after all.

December 16
Ice storm this morning. Fell on my a$$ on the ice in the driveway
putting down salt. Hurt like hell. The wife laughed for an hour, which I
think was very cruel.

December 17
Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere. Electricity
was off for 5 hours. I had to pile the blankets on to stay warm. Nothing
to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. Guess I should've
bought a wood stove, but won't admit it to her. God I hate it when
she's right. I can't believe I'm freezing to death in my own living room.

December 20
Electricity's back on, but had another 14 inches of the damn stuff last
night. More shoveling! Took all day. The damn snowplow came by twice.
Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said they're too busy
playing hockey. I think they're lying. Called the only hardware store
around to see about buying a snow blower and they're out. Might have
another shipment in March. I think they're lying. Bob says I have to
shovel or the city will have it done and bill me. I think he's lying.

December 22
Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more inches of the
white s**t fell today, and it's so cold, it probably won't melt till August.
Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel and then I
had to pee. By the time I got undressed, peed and dressed again. I
was too tired to shovel. Tried to hire Bob who has a plow on his truck
for the rest of the winter, but he says he's too busy. I think the a**hole
is lying.

December 23
Only 2 inches of snow today. And it warmed up to 0. The wife wanted me
to decorate the front of the house this morning. What is she, nuts?!!
Why didn't she tell me to do that a month ago? She says she did but I
think she's lying.

December 24
6 inches - Snow packed so hard by snowplow, l broke the shovel. Thought
I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the son of a b***h who
drives that snow plow, I'll drag him through the snow by his privates and
beat him to death with my broken shovel. I know he hides around the
corner and waits for me to finish shoveling and then he comes down the
street at a 100 miles an hour and throws snow all over where I've just
been! Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and
open our presents, but I was too busy watching for the damn snowplow.

December 25
Merry f---ing Christmas! 20 more inches of the damn slop tonight -
Snowed in. The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. God, I hate the
snow! Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation and I hit
him over the head with my shovel. The wife says I have a bad attitude. I
think she's a fricking idiot. If I have to watch "It's A Wonderful Life"
one more time, I'm going to stuff her into the microwave.

December 26
Still snowed in. Why the he!! did I ever move here? It was all HER idea.
She's really getting on my nerves.

December 27
Temperature dropped to -30 and the pipes froze; plumber came after 14
hours of waiting for him, he only charged me $1,400 to replace all my
pipes.

December 28
Warmed up to above -20. Still snowed in. The B***H is driving me
crazy!!!

December 29
10 more inches Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave in.
That's the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does he think I am?

December 30
Roof caved in. I beat up the snow plow driver, and now he is suing me
for a million dollars, not only the beating I gave him, but also for trying
to shove the broken snow shovel up his a$$. The wife went home to
her mother. Nine more inches predicted.

December 31
I set fire to what's left of the house. No more shoveling.

January 8
Feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep giving me.
Why am I tied to the bed?


just a reminder that it can always be worse...

[Miriam C.]

Cannibal Restaurant
> >
> > A cannibal was walking through the
> > jungle and came upon a restaurant operated by a fellow
> > cannibal.
> >
> > Feeling somewhat hungry, he sat down
> > and looked over the menu...
> >
> > + Poached Tourist:
> > $5
> > + Broiled Missionary:
> > $10.00
> > + Fried Explorer:
> > $15.00
> > + Baked Democrat or Grilled
> > Republican: $100.00
> >
> > The cannibal called the
> > waiter over and asked, 'Why such a price difference for
> > the Politician?"
> >
> > The cook replied, "Have
> > you ever tried to clean one? They're
> > all so full of
> > s***, it takes all morning."

[Miriam C.]

MEMORANDUM

TO: ALL EMPLOYEES

SUBJECT: SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING

In order to assure that we continue to produce the highest quality work possible, it will be our policy to keep all employees well trained through our program of SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING, (S.H.I.T.). We are giving our employees more S.H.I.T. than any other organization in our field.

If you feel that you do not receive your share of S.H.I.T. on the job please see your supervisor. You will be placed at the top of the S.H.I.T. list for special attention.

All of our supervisors are particularly qualified to see that you get all teh S.H.I.T. you can handle at your own speed.

If you consider yourself to be trained enough already, you may be interested in helping us to train others. We can add you to our BASIC UNDERSTANDING LECTURE LIST - SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING, ( B.U.L.L.S.H.I.T.).

If you have further questions, please address then to our HEAD OF TRAINING - SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING, (H.O.T.S.H.I.T.).

Thank You,

Boss in General
Special High Intensity Training
(B.I.G.S.H.I.T.)

P. S. With the personality someof you display around here, you could clearly become the DIRECTOR OF INTENSITY PROGRAMMING - SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING, (D.I.P.S.H.I.T.)