Humor of the Day

[Dixie Flyer]

It is near the Christmas break of the school year. Thestudents have

turned in all their work and there is really nothing moreto do. All the

children are restless and the teacher decides to have an early dismissal.



Teacher: "Whoever answers the questions I ask, first and correctly can

leave early today."



Little Johnny says to himself "Good, I want to get outta here. I'm smart

and will answer the question."



Teacher: "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?"



Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, "Abraham Lincoln."



Teacher: "That's right Susie, you can go home."



Johnny is mad that Susie answered the question first.



Teacher: "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?"



Before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, "Martin Luther King."



Teacher: "That's right Mary, you can go."



Johnny is even madder than before.



Teacher: "Who said 'Ask not, what your country cando for you'?"



Before Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy says, "John F. Kennedy."



Teacher: "That's right Nancy, you may also leave."



Johnny is boiling mad that he has not been able to answer to any of the

questions.



When the teacher turns her back Johnny says, "I wish these bitches would

keep their mouths shut!"



The teacher turns around: "NOW WHO SAID THAT?"



Johnny: "TIGER WOODS. CAN I GO NOW?"

[halfdome, Danny]

Men's Age as Determined by a Trip to Home Depot



You are in the middle of some kind of project around the house- mowing the lawn, putting in a new fence, painting the living room, or whatever. You are hot and sweaty, covered in dirt or paint. You have your old work clothes on. You know the outfit - shorts with the hole in the crotch, old T-shirt with a stain from who knows what, and an old pair of tennis shoes.



Right in the middle of this great home improvement project you realize you need to run to Home Depot to get something to help complete the job. Depending on your age you might do the following:


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In your 20's:

Stop what you are doing. Shave, take a shower, blow dry your hair, brush your teeth, floss, and put on clean clothes. Check yourself in the mirror and flex. Add a dab of your favourite cologne because you never know, you just might meet some hot chick while standing in the checkout lane. And you went to school with the pretty girl running the register.




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In your 30's:

Stop what you are doing, put on clean shorts and shirt.. Change shoes. You married the hot chick so no need for much else. Wash your hands and comb your hair. Check yourself in the mirror.. Still got it. Add a shot of your favourite cologne to cover the smell. The cute girl running the register is the kid sister to someone you went to school with.




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In your 40's:

Stop what you are doing. Put on a sweatshirt that is long enough to cover the hole in the crotch of your shorts. Put on different shoes and a hat. Wash your hands. Your bottle of Brute Cologne is almost empty so you don't want to waste any of it on a trip to Home Depot. Check yourself in the mirror and do more sucking in than flexing. The spicy young thing running the register is your daughter's age and you feel weird thinking she is spicy.


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In your 50's:

Stop what you are doing. Put a hat on; wipe the dirt off your hands onto your shirt. Change shoes because you don't want to get dog doo-doo in your new sports car. Check yourself in the mirror and you swear not to wear that shirt anymore because it makes you look fat. The Cutie running the register smiles when she sees you coming and you think you still have it. Then you remember the hat you have on is from Buddy's Bait & Beer Bar and it says, 'I Got Worms .'




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In your 60's:

Stop what you are doing. No need for a hat anymore.. Hose the dog doo-doo off your shoes. The mirror was shattered when you were in your 50's. You hope you have underwear on so nothing hangs out the hole in your pants. The girl running the register may be cute, but you don't have your glasses on so you are not sure.


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In your 70's:

Stop what you are doing. Wait to go to Home Depot until the drug store has your prescriptions ready, too. Don't even notice the dog doo-doo on your shoes. The young thing at the register smiles at you because you remind her of her grandfather.




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In your 80's:

Stop what you are doing. Start again. Then stop again. Now you remember you needed to go to Home Depot. Go to Wal-Mart instead and wander around trying to think what it is you are looking for. Fart out loud and you think someone called out your name. You went to school with the old lady who greeted you at the front door.


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In your 90's & beyond:

What's a home deep hoe? Something for my garden?

Where am I? Who am I? Why am I reading this? Did I send it? Did you? Who farted?

[Looneytoons]

I thought I was in my 50's. According to this, I must be at least 70. I wonder where those 20 years went.

Now what was I going to do next?

[Sam I am]

Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25-year-old blonde-haired woman who knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm and who hangs over Bob's arm and listens intently to his every word. His buddies at the club are all aghast. At the very first chance, they corner him and ask, 'Bob, how'd you get the trophy girlfriend?' Bob replies, 'Girlfriend? She's my wife!' They are knocked over, but continue to ask. 'So, how'd you persuade her to marry you?' 'I lied about my age', Bob replies. 'What, did you tell her you were only 50?' Bob smiles and says, 'No, I told her I was 90.'

[halfdome, Danny]

1. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.

He acquired his size from too much pi.



2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.



3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.



4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.



5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.



6. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.



7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.



8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.


9. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.



10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.



11. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.


12. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.


13. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'



14. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.



15. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'


16. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, 'No change yet.'

17. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

19. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

20. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

21. A backward poet writes inverse..

22. In democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.

23. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

24. Don't join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects!

[Muggnz]

A grammar lesson

An English professor wrote the words:
"A woman  without her man is nothing."
on the chalkboard and asked his students to punctuate it correctly.
All of the males in the class wrote:
"A woman, without her man, is nothing."
All the females in the class wrote:
"A woman: without her, man is nothing."

[teardrop_focus]

Will I Live to see 80?

Here’s something to think about.

I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive Lab tests, he said I was doing “fairly wellâ€

[planovet]

[starleen2]

read a couple of these post -needed a good laugh today!

[Bodyman]

The Lone Ranger's Last Request...

The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian War Party.
The Indian Chief proclaims,
"So, YOU are the great Lone Ranger"..."In honour of the Harvest Festival,
YOU will be executed in three days..""Before I kill you, I grant you three requests"
"What is your FIRST request?'
The Lone Ranger responds,
"I'd like to speak to my horse."
The Chief nods and Silver is brought
before the Lone Ranger who whispers in
Silver's ear, and the horse gallops away.

Later that evening, Silver returns with
a beautiful blonde woman on his back.
As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters
the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.
The next morning the Indian Chief admits
he's impressed...
"You have a very fine and loyal horse,
but I will still kill you in two days.
What is your SECOND request?"

The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse.
Silver is brought to him, and he again whispers in the horse's ear.
As before, Silver takes off and disappears over the horizon.

Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns, this time with a voluptuous brunette, more attractive than the blonde.
She enters the Lone Rangers tent
and spends the night.
The following morning the Indian Chief
is again impressed.
"You are indeed a man of many talents,
but I will still kill you tomorrow.
What is your LAST request?"
The Lone Ranger responds,
"I'd like to speak to my horse alone."
The Chief is curious, but he agrees,
and Silver is brought to
the Lone Ranger's tent.
Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him square in the eye and says,

"READ MY LIPS!!!!"

FOR... THE... LAST... TIME...
"BRING POSSE"

[SmokeyBob]

[starleen2]

Two women go out one weekend without their husbands. As they came back, just before dawn, both of them drunk, they felt the urge to pee. They noticed that the only place to stop was a cemetery. Scared and drunk, they stopped and decided to go there anyway.

The first one did not have anything to blot herself with, so she took her panties off, used them and discarded them. The second, not finding anything either, thought "I'm not getting rid of my panties..." so she used the ribbon of a nearby flower wreath.

The morning after, the two husbands were talking to each other on the phone, and one says to the other: "We have to be on the look-out; it seems that these two were up to no good last night, my wife came home without her panties..." The other one responded: "You're lucky, mine came home with a card stuck to her butt that read, "We will never forget you."

[Rob]

HOW TO INSTALL A HOME SECURITY SYSTEM

1. Go to a secondhand store and buy a pair of men's used size 14-16 work boots.

2. Place them on your front porch, along with a copy of Guns & Ammo Magazine.

3. Put a few giant dog dishes next to the boots and magazines.

4. Leave a note on your door that reads:

"Bubba,

Bertha, Duke, Slim, & me went for more ammo and beer. Be back in an hour.
Don't mess with the pit bulls – they attacked the mailman this morning and
messed him up bad... I don't think Killer took part, but it was hard to tell
from all the blood. Anyway, I locked all four of 'em in the house.

Better wait outside. Be right back.

Cooter"

[halfdome, Danny]

These fit so well they should be in a dictionary.
ADULT:
A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.
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BEAUTY PARLOR:
A place where women curl up and dye.
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CANNIBAL:
Someone who is fed up with people.
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CHICKENS:
The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.
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COMMITTEE:
A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.
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DUST:
Mud with the juice squeezed out.
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EGOTIST:
Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.
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HANDKERCHIEF:
Cold Storage.
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INFLATION:
Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.
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MOSQUITO:
An insect that makes you like flies better.
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RAISIN:
Grape with sunburn.
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SECRET:
Something you tell to one person at a time.
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SKELETON:
A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.
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TOOTHACHE:
The pain that drives you to extraction.
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TOMORROW:
One of the greatest labour saving devices of today.
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YAWN:
An honest opinion openly expressed.
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and MY Favourite!!
=========================
WRINKLES:
Something other people have, similar to my character lines.

[halfdome, Danny]

A play on Words


1. To write with a broken pencil is pointless.

2. When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate.

3. A thief who stole a calendar got 12 months.

4. When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U.C.L.A.


5. The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground.

6. The batteries were given out free of charge.

7. A dentist and a manicurist got married. They fought tooth and nail.

8. A will is a dead give-away.

9. If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.

10. Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I will show you A-Flat miner.

11. You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

12. A boiled egg is hard to beat.

13. When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.

14. Police were called to the day center when a three year old was resisting a rest.

15. Did you hear about the fellow whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.

16. If you take your laptop for a run, you could jog your memory.

17. A bicycle can't stand alone. It's two tired.

18. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

19. The guy who fell on the upholstery machine was fully recovered.

20. He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

21. When she saw her first strands of gray, she thought she would dye.