Humor of the Day

[planovet]

How to wash a toilet


1. Put both lids of the toilet up. And add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.

2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.

3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close the lid. You may need to stand on the lid.

4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.

5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a 'power-wash' and 'rinse'.

6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.

7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift the lid.

8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and run outside where he will dry himself off.

9. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean.



This public service announcement has been brought to you by The Dog.

[Looneytoons]

I have used the dog to dry myself off in an emergency. I see no reason why the cat can't help out now and then.

[Dean in Eureka, CA]

Working Hard or Working Smart?

[caseydog]

How to wash a toilet


1. Put both lids of the toilet up. And add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.

2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.

3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close the lid. You may need to stand on the lid.

4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.

5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a 'power-wash' and 'rinse'.

6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.

7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift the lid.

8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and run outside where he will dry himself off.

9. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean.

Use a smaller cat and you can stop at step five.

CD (AKA, the dog)

[Dirran]

My neighbour found out that her dog (a Schnauzer) could hardly hear, so she took it to the veterinarian. The vet found that the problem was hair in the dog's ears. He cleaned both ears, and the dog could then hear fine. The vet then proceeded to tell the lady that, if she wanted to keep this from recurring, she should go to the chemist and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.

The lady went to the chemist and bought some "Nair" hair remover. At the register, the pharmacist told her, "If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days."

The lady said, "I'm not using it under my arms."

The pharmacist said, "If you're using it on your legs, don't shave for a couple of days."

The lady replied, "I'm not using it on my legs either. If you must know, I'm using it on my Schnauzer."
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The pharmacist says, "Well stay off your bicycle for about a week."

[Looneytoons]

An elderly blind lady walks into Macy's with her seeing eye dog. She walks to the middle of the store where she proceeds to pick the dog up by the tail and swing it in circles above her head. The guard rushes over and screams, "Lady, LADY, what the heck do you think you're doing".

"Just looking around", she says!

[planovet]

Mrs. Bronson's kitty isn't feeling well - a bad case of
constipation. She takes it to the vet, who gives her a new
kind of laxative. "Give her about six teaspoons of this,
and she'll be better in no time."

Mrs. Bronson does as she's told and returns a week later.

The vet asks, "How's your calf?"

"I don't have a calf. It was my cat who wasn't feeling well."

"Well, how's your cat doing?"

"I'm not sure. The last time I saw her, she was heading
toward the north end of town with ten other cats. Five were
digging, three were covering, and two were scouting for new
territory."

[Looneytoons]

Since we're doing animal jokes, here's another.

A man was returning from the drug store with a three month supply of Viagra. As he got out of the car, he dropped the bottle and the Viagra pills spilled out all over the driveway. Before he could pick them up, a hummingbird swooped in and ate them all.

The last time anyone saw the hummingbird, he was flying due south at about 80 miles an hour right behind a helicopter.

[steve smoot]

Ok, I'll try one...

A genie appears to this old maid..the genie says "I will grant you three wishes".

The old maid says.."I want to be the most beautiful woman in the universe"

So, the genie turns the old maid into the most beautiful woman that has ever walked the face of earth.

The old maid says.."and, I want a million dollars cash".

The genie waves his hand an a million dollars appears out of thin air.

The old maid says.."see my old tom cat over there? I want you to turn him into the most handsom man on this planet".

The genie says.."your wish is my command, but this is your last wish". as he spoke, the old tom cat was turned into the most handsom man the old maid had ever seen.

The handsom fellow walks over to the old maid, takes in his arms and kisses her with more passion than she could even imagine. He genty kisssed on the neck and said "I have one question for you, aren't you sorry that you had me fixed when I was a kitten"

[planovet]

A rancher needed a bull to service his cows but had to borrow the
money from the bank to do so. The banker who lent the money came by
a week later to see how his investment is doing. The farmer complained
that the bull just eats grass and won't even look at the cows. The banker
suggests that a veterinarian have a look at the bull.

The next week the banker returned to see if the vet had helped.

The farmer looked very pleased. "The bull has serviced all my cows,
broke through the fence, and has serviced all my neighbor's cows too!"

"Wow," says the banker, "what did the vet do to that bull?".

"Just gave him some pills," replied the farmer.

"What kind of pills?" asked the banker.

"I don't know," says the farmer, "but they sort of tasted like
peppermint."

[rebapuck]

GOD LOVES DRUNK PEOPLE TOO
A man and his wife were awoken at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door.
The husband reluctantly gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger,
standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3:00 in the morning!"
He slams the door and returns to bed.
"Who was that?" asked his wife..
"Just some drunk asking for a push," he answers.
"Did you help him?" she asks.
"No, I didn't, it is 3:00 in the morning and it's pouring with rain out
there!"
"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you
Remember about six months ago when we broke down and were stranded, and those two guys helped us get home?
I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself"
The man does as he is told, gets dressed, puts on his hat and raincoat and goes out into the
pounding wind and rain.
He calls out into the dark,
"Hello, are you still there mate?"
"Yes," comes back the answer.
"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.
"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.
"Where are you?" asks the husband.



"Over here on the swing,"
replied the drunk.

[teardrop_focus]

NO SEX SINCE 1955

A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major and asked,

"Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very Serious man. Is something bothering you?"

"Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature."

The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, ''It looks like you have seen a lot of action?''

''Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said,

"You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself."

The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his usual serious manner.

Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"

"1955", he replied.

"Well, there you are. No wonder you're so serious. You really need To chill out! I mean, no sex since 1955!"

She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to 'relax' him several times.

Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, 'Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955."

The Sergeant Major said in his serious voice, after glancing at his watch, "I hope not; it's only 2130 now."

[teardrop_focus]

Frank Feldman


A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. He jumps into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank."

Man: "Who?"

Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happen like that to Frank Feldman every single time."

Man: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

Cabbie: "Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy."

Man: "Sounds like he was something really special."

Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, he could do everything right."

Man: "Wow. Some guy then."

Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman."

Man: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"

Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Frank. He died. I'm married to his f*ckin' widow."

[planovet]

[starleen2]